9:45 at night, I’m jumping on my trampoline, maybe not the brightest idea I’ve had with the storms rolling in, but it was peaceful, over cast skies, a few stars poking out here and there, with the distant sheet lighting and the cool rain scented breeze, it was just lovely.
Anyway, I went out for the sole purpose to worship, which I haven’t done in was seems like ages. It’s been probably about three weeks since I’ve actually WORSHIPED. Most times I would try and I wouldn’t have enough time to get through a song before I found myself turning it all off.
So I figured it would be the same tonight but there was something different. Something was weird, the moment I emerged into that trampoline something felt different, but all so right. The first song I kind of dragged through thinking to myself “what am I doing”, about the second song I started to feel God’s presence drop. It was going to come in strong, I could feel it with every fiber in my being. The third song played, nothing was stopping God now, he had a hold of me and wasn’t letting go. The next few songs I found myself singing so loudly my voice was giving out and I was just getting lost in the presence of God.
“Undone” by FFH came on. It started, I sang, about half way through the song I was singing the chorus:
I don’t need to be the Hero tonight
We all want love
We all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price
I sang it through once or twice, at this point, I don’t remember, all I remember is I sang it at least once and started singing it the second time. I finished “I don’t need to be the hero tonight.” I smiled, kind of giggled and then dropped. I was laying on my back just laughing. Relief rushed through my body from head to toe. “I don’t need to be the hero” I thought excitedly to myself.
See, for the past year or so I’ve shouldered a lot of guilt feeling like I should be able to fix my broken family. I’ve wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t fix it. My dad hates me and my mom, he’s working on my two sisters, but I know he doesn’t like us. For a long time and even still he would say that everything was my fault. I’ve had many conversations with my mom and Chris who tell me, “You will never fix it, only God can. It’s not your fault and it never will be. Your dad’s just too stubborn to see that.” Those conversations made me feel “better” having someone tell me that. They would bring me back so that I could focus or rather re-focus.
But tonight, I’ve gotten it, I don’t need to be the hero, I don’t have to fix things, it’s not my responsibility to fix things, I need to surrender to be strong, and just because I want love and honor doesn’t mean I should have to get beat up trying to gain it. I’ve got people who love me for me and I’ve got a God who loves me even more, I don’t need to let anyone else control me any further. I’m done trying to be the hero who fails miserably with each attempt. I have surrendered it all and I’m allowing God to be my hero.
If we will just surrender, some times surrender is the best thing you can do, some of us don’t surrender because it makes us feel weak, but reality is some times surrender makes you the stronger person. Especially when you are surrendering to God, and backing off the idea of trying to be the hero.
Tonight because of my surrender, I don’t feel weighted down by all the guilt I was carrying, I feel free, to say the least.