Ya know, it really is odd to me. I’ve learned to cope without a certain type of love and acceptance. I had learned to accept it as a part of me that I’d never know.
You see a family was designed for the husband to cherish his wife, the wife to passionately love her husband, and the mother and father to love and tend to their blood. No one person, be child, teenager, or adult was created to not know love. Yet, everyday we find souls who’ve never known it, who learn to live with it, who learn to cope with it.
Here’s a few things to prove my point:
“We spoke with Ann Bigelow, a professor and researcher of developmental psychology at St. Francis Xavier University in Antigonish, Nova Scotia, whose lab has been conducting research into parent behavior and infant development.”
“[An edited transcript of the interview follows.]
We have known for a long time that skin-to-skin contact with babies is important for their development. In what ways does it help them?
Particularly in the newborn period, it helps calm babies: they cry less and it helps them sleep better. There are some studies that show their brain development is facilitated—probably because they are calmer and sleep better.
Does skin-to-skin contact with their babies have benefits for the parents?
It reduces their stress level—they report lower levels of depression, they seem to be able to be more sensitive to their baby’s cues and the babies are more responsive to the mother through the whole first three months. They’re recognizing their mother earlier, so the relationship between the mother and baby is off to a facilitated start. It works the same way with fathers, too.
What is happening in the body—of both parent and child—when there is skin-to-skin contact?
From the mother’s perspective, it probably releases oxytocin.
The newborn is coming out of a very restrictive environment, so anything that simulates that comforts them. Being touched or hearing a heartbeat is familiar because they heard it in the womb.”
In order for the above to happen it has to be a LOVING touch and from what I have seen and experienced it isn’t just infants. It’s children, teenagers, and adults. If you think about it, what is more relaxing than laying wrapped up in a loved ones arms while listening to the steady rhythmic beats of their heart? We were meant to love and be loved.
With this in mind I never could figure out why my momma’s love always left a spot empty. I had more than enough love from her. She is wonderful and I remember being little and wanting to grow up to be just like mommy. But there was always a spot that was empty. But now I understand no matter how hard she tried she could not fill that hole that was originally meant for the father I never had. Instead I learned to cope with being rejected and unloved by him. The ONLY thing I truly longed for was his acceptance and love. Many years later after I realized I no longer wanted it from him I longed to have it from anyone who could fulfill that roll. Sun up and sun down some weeks that’s all that I could think about, what would it be like to have a father who loved me? I want it. I want to be loved. As pathetic as I am I’d cry myself to sleep, my heart aching for a father to love me. After I finally got angry enough I decided I didn’t want a father, all men were jerks anyway in my opinion, I couldn’t find one that was trustworthy.
However, what is funny about all this is that I’ve found that love is like a crazy drug. For someone who’s lived without it and learned to cope without fatherly love and acceptance you’d think I’d do better. However now that I know it, I don’t function well without that love now. Joking, but with more serious than even I may know, there is a portion of me that breaks when dad doesn’t tell me goodbye when he leaves the house and he’s just going down the road. In fact I harassed him for not loving me because he left three times without saying goodbye to me this morning. Because I’ve lived without it there is a part of me that just gets all giddy when he hugs me. It’s stupid, but those little things make my day.
It’s the same for a husband and wife, the crazy love drug that is. The relationship is definitely different. My momma’s crazy though…. However she is another one that had learned to cope without love, now that she has it she’s freakin’ scary some times. But it’s in a good way I like seeing her this happy. She’s never been allowed to be her playful loony self. Some times, I do have to look at her and go “Really? You’ve always taught us that when someone says stop you stop, you’ve taught us NOT to hurt someone and to be compassionate when they do get hurt, you’ve also taught us to not be annoying and disruptive.” However, all that goes out the window when she’s with him….. It seems slightly twisted but for whatever reason he seems to enjoy the pain that gets inflicted upon him being that he typically brings it on himself and he doesn’t seem to mind mom trying to make herself known while he’s trying to work. But I love it when they are together because when they are behaving themselves he is so gentle and tender with her and she well… yeah… He tries… Anyway, I’m kidding, sort of, she can be so compassionate and loving to him… Although now that I think about it, it is a rare occasion that she’s not harassing him and playing with him. But that is her way of showing her love, see, when they first met, that’s what took me. They were both so tender and gentle with each other. I’d never seen a man treat a women like that. So tender and caring, I didn’t know a man was capable of caring like that.
Anyway, moving on, we all have a way of loving each other. Whether it’s through goofing off together, or sitting cuddled up with each other. For married couples you sleep together, goof off, cuddle up, whatever. For Fathers, Daughters, Sons, and Mothers, Daughters, and Sons, it’s playing with them or simply taking them aside and holding them. For me, it’s that skin-to-skin contact. Nobody deserves to be starved of such a love and acceptance. Not women, not men, not infants, or children, or teenagers. Every single person deserves to have someone who loves them dearly. Everyone has a different way of showing or feeling loved, our job is to find the way to show them love. So all that to say this: love your loved ones, don’t let them even begin to doubt that you may not love them because you let that happen and you’ll not only destroy the relationship between you and that person, you could destroy that person as well if they aren’t strong enough, and for you mom’s and dad’s who are reading this. No matter how strong you may think your kid is, I can almost guarantee they are not strong enough to handle a lack of love. But this goes for most everyone too. No one is truly strong enough to go without love.