A few days ago I began looking at some things that I had dealt with or thought I had dealt with. Like my self-esteem, my past regrets, stuff like that. See, I realized that I still blame myself for a lot of the problems with my biological dad. If I would have he would have been happier, if I hadn’t he wouldn’t have been so upset with me and mom. It was my fault that the way he was. I still struggle through the memories of him yelling at me and disowning me in front of the many people there for lessons on a Saturday morning. Or the time I gave him a hug as a nine year old to tell him thank you for making me and my friend waffles and he pushed me to the other side of the kitchen and told me to never touch him again. I was unwanted, worthless, a screw up, and when he went on those rants like that I didn’t see much point to my existence since I was such a horrible kid. I remember the late nights talking to my friend telling her that I should’ve never been born because my family would’ve been happier without me and that it would be better if I just died.
The irony was that I really was a good kid, still am. I started my own business when I was 14 and prior to that I was working for a pet sitting company, I started with them when I was probably 10. I helped with all the house chores and had dinner on the table and despite Matt’s horrible attitude towards me I’d get up at 6 in the mornings and pack him a lunch just because, even though we’d find later that he would throw it away and still I persisted.
I’ve noticed that a lot of that has been slowly creeping back into my life. Feeling like I’m unwanted and that I’m just a burden, and all I ever do is screw up. A lot… Most of the time, I’m pretty sure. I suck.. But, my tries don’t go unnoticed. I do my best to fix all the stupid crap I create. Unfortunately no, I can’t go back and find a better way to handle things, but I can always find a new way to handle a situation. When I’m feeling irritable I find that it works better for me to just stay away from my family because I’m bound to ruin something, on the other hand, I sit in my room or go outside and really all I want is for someone to just come in and sit with me. I’m a huggy kind of person, I’d be happy to just sit in someone’s arms when I’m in a crummy mood. However, other times I’ve found that I can actually be out and about but I have to be doing something so that I can keep my mind busy, and some times I’m just good to be relaxed and ok.
In the process of learning all this stuff that I obviously have to deal with, these unknown truths about myself that I just didn’t want to face. I’m also having to keep in mind the truths that are ever so hard for me to believe and I’m getting to the point at which I just want to right them again and again until I can finally believe it, but I’m loved, I’m special, I’m worthful, I’m valuable, I’m not a screw up no matter what anyone says, I’m not a burden, and I am wanted. For whatever reason, it is incredibly hard to believe that about myself, and all I want is to hear that constantly until I believe. Not because I’m selfish and want to make it known of how awesome I am, but simply because I don’t believe it and I want to. I want to have a healthy self-image of myself. I want to be steady in who I am. I want to KNOW this and be confident in me but at the same time humility and humbleness will be my best friends.
The first time my completely awesome long lost daddy told me he loved me, it threw me back a bit. I sank, I couldn’t believe that he actually loved me. Everything in me wanted to fight those three little words. Every past insult started attacking me because who was I to be loved by someone like him? Someone who’s heart was so kind and gentle and who’s words were so soft spoken and meaningful. I didn’t deserve it. Right? I was just a worthless piece of crap. But I’ve come to a very true conclusion and that is this.
I don’t care who you are, how badly you’ve screwed up, how jacked up you are. You ALWAYS deserve to be loved. You always deserve to have someone treat you like the precious jewel you really are. Because down inside that is what you are. You are a jewel waiting to be discovered. You aren’t a screw up, and some where there is someone in this world that you have impacted that loves you, and don’t you dare think for a moment that there could never be anyone that you would impact because I’m telling you now, there is bound to be someone. Every precious human being was placed in this crazy world for a reason, you may not see it now but there is a reason. You are precious, I am precious, but always keep in mind, that humility must come first. If you lose humility and humbleness your self-esteem is nothing.