Mom brought home the movie “The Delivery Guy” and to be honest it really is a good movie. But you see my brain is almost always working and this is what I got.
Brief overview is that the man is a sperm donor to 533 kids who all want to know who and where their biological father is. His goal is to learn to juggle all 533 teenagers without them knowing he’s their dad. He begins to pick one child at a time and finds common ground so that he can form a bond with them. As he said he wants to be their “Guardian Angel” because there is no way he can father all of them. However the children are also looking diligently without resentment to find their dad. Holding no anger against this person that allowed them to live a fatherless life and when I saw that my immediate thought was, I want that. I want to be able to seek my biological father without resentment.
Growing up without a dad has taught me a lot. Then living with mom’s boyfriend who very easily made me feel rejected, like I was once again a disappointment, has taken its toll along with a few other things. But you see, I may not belong in a male figures life, be it dad, boyfriend, husband, whatever. But, there is one that I do belong to and that is My Father in heaven. After walking away from God because all the good things were happening when I began letting go of God, while the bad things happened all the time I was close to Him. But you see here, I’ve learned something and that is this.
The questions I asked where: How could there be a God, a greater power that could care for so many? I see all these evangelists who have it SO good, I listened to one talk about how he paid for his jet with cash and how he has never had a single minor ailment since he was … thirty-four? And he is now in his sixties… I mean, what makes them so special that this just and loving God will take care of them but not me. For a God who has made EVERYONE equal, what makes them so much more special? For a God who provides abundant life and is supposed to shelter and care for us why is it that I, or other people I know should suffer? With all that in mind there must not be a God who truly cares for everyone, if there is one at all. Oh and by the way, what kind of gracious loving God lets His children suffer so that He can benefit, because to me that sounds more like a selfish God, not one who’s loving and merciful.
BUT Oh, how wrong I was… 533 children is nothing to Him. He wants more and is more than apt to care for them and love them and for that I am thankful. He is way more than a Guardian Angel and wants us to treat Him as the Father He is. I don’t know why some people are more seemingly higher regarded in God’s eyes, or why He would let us even begin to doubt Him but I know in my heart He has His reasons and reality is He wants glory for our sufferings so that they will draw others so that they may experience His passion. You see, when I was close to God my “fix” to get away from my life was going outside and praying and/or worshipping which were the only things that completely eased my mind and put my insane mind to rest. In HIS presence I was alive and it felt good.
After 2 years of being mostly on my own and realizing how much harder it is going through life without My Father who seemed to have hidden himself from me. I began searching for Him slowly but surely and then I found him. All the past memories of the joy I found in Him all the times I broke down and he was there without fail. The ONLY one who has been there for me ALL my life through EVERYTHING, EVEN WHEN I rejected Him. But then, he revealed Himself to me. In my months of searching I just couldn’t find Him no matter where I looked and then He just poured Himself on me and all of my desires to have His presence with me has overwhelmed me.
I may not belong in anyone’s life; I may not have a purpose to anyone else. But, I belong to God and for Him I have a purpose and that purpose will be fulfilled.
So yes, all that to say, it may not seem like God’s there all the time, but between our own mistakes and our world He can’t protect us the way He wishes He could. But I do know that if we find Him and never tire of Him, He will take care of us, protect us, lavish us, love us, and in return all He asks is for a relationship with us. Though I may not agree with how He handles things, I know it is in my best interest and I will come to Him as though it’s my first time meeting Him, with all excitement because He has revealed himself to me. Even though I walked away from Him and even though I felt like He had turned His back on me, I know, I’m not separated from Him, I’m not rejected, not abandoned, but loved and ever so treasured; and so are you.
Psalm 41:9 Chosen, not rejected
Psalm 139:13-14 Created by His hands, we are fearfully and wonderfully made