Who You Are

Alright, I started this several months ago and never finished it. Originally I hadn’t intended for it to be anywhere but in a folder however once again someone prayed over me and it hit me that those papers NEEDED to be on my wall. I waited for another month or two because I couldn’t put those papers on my wall because they weren’t me. I wasn’t loved, I wasn’t accepted, and who was I to think God could forgive me, and by the way I’m depressed and a manic depressive and maybe bi-polar that doesn’t exactly scream I’ve overcome. So this was the fight and with each paper, I was reluctant and unnerved at my insanity for thinking these should go on my wall. In fact to begin with I was slightly ashamed when people would come into my room and see them and it got worse when people asked about them. I would give them the briefest reason as possible and change subjects before they could think to ask another question. But as time has gone on I have grown more and more fond of them, they don’t hurt as much as they use to, in fact I proudly added two more tonight. At this point I have a funny feeling it will never be truly finished. You see, I’ve always struggled with acceptance, love, forgiveness, my self image has always been fairly poor no matter what I said or let on to.

Anyway I got the wild hair to do this one day so that whenever I became depressed or what have you I could look at my wall and see past whatever lies I believed about myself. This became a very interesting job because as I was writing these out I began to wonder what I could do to give them more meaning and not just have a bunch of paper with positive thoughts sketched onto them with a pencil.

The first one I wrote was “I am loved” I then realized that when someone loves another person they usually get them a red rose (if they get flowers of course)… There came the first idea. Can I put a flower with each of these truths? Each truth is colored so the meaning matches the flower that it closes relates to.

I am loved, is outlined in red and filled in with purple because a red rose is a passionate love and a lilac is a first love. I’m just saying but we were first loved, PASSIONATELY by God.

I am not forgotten, that is outlined in yellow and filled in with blue because there are flowers called Forget-Me-Nots that are yellow and blue.

Each color has a specific meaning that coordinates with whatever is written on the paper. To be honest I was quite proud of myself for actually having the capability of coming up with it on my own for the most part. Some of them I even dug up scriptures for and added those to the paper. So in case you can’t read them, I am going to list them off.

I have a purpose ~ Romans 8:28

I am worth it and forgiven ~ Psalms 32:5

Keep eyes wide open

I have overcome, I am not a victim ~ John 16:33

I am successful

I am not a disappointment or a failure or a screw up

I am loved ~ Romans 5:8

I am not forgotten

I am accepted ~ Romans 15:7

I am beautiful inside and out ~ Psalms 139:14

I am outlaw and water walker

I am the righteousness of God ~ 2 Corinthians 5:21

 

These are all things I struggle with on a regular basis. Outlaw, Eyes Wide Open, and Water Walker originated from Ted Dekker books called…. Outlaw, Eyes Wide Open, and Water Walker… Go figure. They were books that changed my perspective to life and had a deep impact on my life. As Outlaws we are not suppose to allow the world to affect us. We should be so deeply buried in God that we are walking in His light, spreading His love and forgiveness everywhere we go. As Water Walkers we are suppose to look past our circumstances and see the reality which is not what we are going through but simply what I have written above… Even when you don’t feel loved, reality is you are loved. We have to see the reality so that we can forgive and help others see reality too. For Eyes Wide Open, it is a matter of not closing everything out. See what God is doing around you. See the truth about yourself instead of the lies. Don’t get that tunnel vision like I had thinking that you are worthless. Because the truth that you must open your eyes to is that you are So much more.

So yes. If you can believe what is written about you in the bible and begin to live by it. You will be set and ready to go. Everything that is written here doesn’t only apply to me but it is applicable to anybody. If you can believe it, it will change your life.

God Bless,

 Jessica

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Life is Good

My life is good. It really is. At least for now. I have two wonderful little sisters, a great mother, three beautiful horses, I have amazing people helping me through life, and I have an almighty God who cares about me. My little nothing self. He cares about and because of that I am great… I’m feeling accomplished. I’m a heck of a cook, my guitar playing is progressing, I have good work ethic, I feel good physically, unless I have to be physically flexible. That I am not… But at this moment I feel good.
Maybe it’s because I have this overwhelming peace that has attached itself to me today. I don’t know. Obviously I still have issues I’m dealing with and working out but those seem of so little importance right now. I’m just happy to be me. Happy to be where I am right now.
I’m looking to start college in the spring and for that I am excited. Five months and then I’m done with the most time consuming chunk of my college then it is all CEU classes.
Eventually I would like to actually do something with my guitar. I’m naturally shy. I don’t like people watching me or listening to me or being near me or… or… being on the other side of the world. But I love the handful of people that I am dedicated to. Anyhow, I love playing guitar and I love singing. Both everyone thinks I’m great at even if I don’t agree. But despite me not thinking I’m all that great I would love to actually go somewhere with my guitar rather than being just another in the closet singer/guitarist. I would love to write my own music, however I really, really do suck at writing my own songs there’s just no two ways about that one.

But you see, my conclusion for the day is to just be content. Find things to be thankful for. It’s not all that hard even in the worst of situations. You just have to work harder and set your mind to it and it truly can be hard. But I’m sure you can find at least one thing to be thankful for.
Go through your day and just smile at people, say hi, start conversations with your cashiers (I’ve found actually engaging them really brightens their day and I love being able to make their day better. It makes me feel good). Make jokes in passing people and watch their face light up simply because you chose to give them a little humor. Which I will say is extremely contradictory being that I said I don’t like people, it has taken me a lot to get to this point and I do still have to give myself that extra push to engage someone and I don’t do it all the time but I’ve found specific employee’s at the walmart I go to that I try to stick with because they are easy to talk to. Some times if I don’t get those specific cashiers then I may not talk to anyone, it just depends on how far I feel like pushing myself or if I feel like taking on the challenge of making someone’s day better.

It all pays off in one way or another to just loosen up and be content. Be happy and spread the love. Your life is as good as you make it.
Have a good night y’all,
Jessica

A Life of Bliss

I’m sitting here listening to me 7 year old sister tell me her plans for her life and I love how simple everything is in the life of these young children. They live in bliss, money is no object, and there’s always an answer no matter how bizarre it may sound. There is nothing that can stop them.
She has been raddling off how she is going to build a huge water museum (with much discussion she’s building an aquarium.) to house all of her water animals.
She’s going to make several separate buildings, one for her desert animals, one for her forest animals, one for her cold weather animals and so on.
She is teaching her dogs to tend to her garden, and robots to clean up after the animals, in the midst of all this she is not paying anyone to build it because her and dad are going to build it, and she’s going to teach riding lessons and have 5 kids.
Oh, and lets not forget she isn’t paying anyone to take care of the animals because that would just waste money so instead her and her 5 kids are going to take care of everything.
I have one thing to say to that… and by the way she’s still rambling… She’s absolutely crazy. But I wont tell her that.

So basically what I’m trying to get at is as we get older we allow those dreams to crash because we see reality. Financially and/or logically they just can’t happen. However when we find dreams that we would love to achieve and are attainable even if it doesn’t come for several years, instead of making that a goal to hit we pass it off and don’t bother with it. Because there’s no way I could get the finances to cover that. Or so we think…
Obviously some dreams, that’s where that logic thing comes in. Some dreams cannot be attained, my dream when I was little was to move onto a hundred acre ranch and turn it into a wildlife reserve and live with my best friend. Nothing big and really if we were adults when we decided that it could work if that’s what we wanted. Reality hits years later when we both grow up and realize, she wants to get married, lives 5 hours away and financially isn’t happening any time soon. It just isn’t logical.
But you see with little kids they just don’t get it, they think well, just pay the $100 and be done with it, or in my 10 year old sisters mind, “If I sell my toys then we can buy this $35,000 jumping horse right?”
No, unfortunately it’s not that easy. But in the mean time we are so caught up in how much money we do or don’t have we miss opportunities to advance our dreams and have fun. We think that we have to have money to have fun. Even advancing your dreams if you begin making connections with people at least then you have the connections right? No money required. Or at least not ridiculous amounts anyway.
I do understand sometimes due to a situation that a dream does have to be put on hold, that’s understandable, but even still, you have to start somewhere eventually, right?
So all that to say this.
Dream on, let no ones opinions stop you, don’t get discouraged, think like a little kid. Don’t fear the limits just know where they are.

Dream it, Do it.
Have a good night y’all.