Trust, Love, and Hope

That *points to the picture above* seems to be everywhere you look. Don’t trust, because you might get hurt, don’t love because you might get hurt, don’t hope because why? Oh yeah, you might get hurt.. I think that goes along with everything else too, why don’t we just stop living life, don’t drive your car because you might get into an accident, don’t ride horses because you might die, don’t use a computer or your phone because it could give you neck problems… you might get hurt… Are you catching my drift here?

I don’t know why, I saw that picture today and it set off a small explosion in me. We have enough people who are hurt and more than willing to not trust, or love, or hope. WHY ARE WE GOING TO ENCOURAGE IT?!?! Why give them one more reason to remember why they shouldn’t?! Why not give them a reason to remember why they should?! Quit helping them focus on why not!

I don’t know, I guess since I have my own issues with trust and love and the fact that I wish so badly sometimes that it would be more simple for me to trust and love people, that is part of why that “quote” if you will, is striking such a nerve in me. Yes, I’ve been hurt many times, have I let it dash my hope? No. Have I let it ruin my trust? To a certain degree, yes. Have I let it crush my love? Ehh, I suppose it depends.

Yes, I know we should use wisdom in determining who can be trusted and who can’t be trusted. However, as mom always says “A funny look from someone could just be gas.” A lot of times we read too much into a situation, people who have left us were there for a reason and likely, it wasn’t anything you did or said that caused them to drop off the face of the earth. Sure, that might not always be the case, but we have to be careful to not read in too much. But, that shouldn’t stop us from trusting people. I know it can seem so complicated, because no, you shouldn’t trust everyone, but you shouldn’t not trust anyone either. I’ve always thought having a handful of people to trust in was a good thing, I have 7 or 8 people that I talk to about different things, one of them is my mother, 5 of them are men who have adopted me as their daughter, and two of them are friends, one of those friends is iffy anyway. However, these are all people who have earned my trust over a period of time, or I have had that gut feeling that I can trust them. I think with that comes a certain level of love also. Even though I think there might only be two people that I open up to about everything, each person has a level of trust and because of that I have a stronger liking, love if you will, that would cause me to move mountains for them.

And see, here’s the kicker, at least in my brain, in order to love someone, really love someone, you have to have a trust built with them anyway. I mean, you aren’t going to look at some random person off the street and instantly fall in love with them. At least, I would hope not.. But you are going to build a friendship, a relationship, form a bond with that person which will create a trust as that bond grows. If that person leaves, it isn’t your love that is damaged. It’s your trust. You may think “Well what about people who start getting mean and not caring about anyone?” I know from experience, when someone is trying to use hurt to keep people away so they don’t “love” anymore. It isn’t because they are too hurt to love, it’s because they don’t want to trust anyone enough to love them. They are afraid if they love someone that person will let them down, and that my friends, that is a trust issue not a love issue.

As for hope, I don’t know that I have too much to say there. I’ve always been taught to be hopeful and I guess I am to a point, but I am also very pessimistic. Though, I think the pessimism keeps me from getting into trouble and keeps a level head on my shoulders. Because even though I can see the good in a situation, I always know something very wrong could happen just as easily. Watching my mom struggle for 19 years over something that had gone on for 21 years total, saying that things would change, things would get better, nothing can stay this messed up for too much longer. Then watching it all fall apart and ending the way it did after all the effort she and I put into it, yes, it did crush my hope a bit, because I don’t ever want to be stuck in that kind of a situation for that long or even half that long. My pessimism kicks in and says “HEY! Stupid! It’s not going to change.” I fight with it for a little bit, find my bearings and either move on while I let the problem naturally sort itself out, or I get up and walk away without looking back. Unless my optimism is overriding and I really feel like I should stick with it. I know I can be overly pessimistic sometimes and it drives me crazy because it is far too easy for that pessimism to put you down in the slumps. But here again, just as with the trust  issue, my hopefulness or lack of it is something I also know that I need to correct.

Anyway, there you have it, don’t focus on everything that could go wrong. Don’t trust all, but trust enough that you have people to take care of you, using wisdom and generally a gut feeling works you can figure out who’s worth your trust or not, love all, but really love the ones you trust, and keep hope at a healthy level, use it daily and your world will be that much brighter.

Y’all have a good day, or a goodnight, whenever y’all are reading this.

God Bless,

Jessica

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Relationships and Insecurities

So, has the thought of having a partner ever made you nervous, or maybe a little uhm…. anxious? Maybe that’s the word I’m looking for… Relationships and insecurities hardly go well together, unless both are willing and able to work through them. Working through that kind of stuff takes a strong couple, or at least a persistent one… Ideally both should have a Godly foundation to help them along. But it can be done.

Seriously though, I’ve lived all my life learning that men can’t be trusted, can’t be depended on, I spent my first 16 years thinking that all men were egotistical jerks that were only after one thing… In the process, I also learned that a man can’t tell me what I can and can’t do, along with striving to be equal to men in the fact that I can do any physical work a man can do. On top of that, I wasn’t much of one for letting men help me or open doors for me, if anything I would try to open the doors for them so they wouldn’t open them first.. Now, do understand, I was never rude to anyone, if someone opened a door for me, I’d tip my head and thank them politely…. AFTER I tried to get the door for them, granted… But, I was never rude to anyone.

So with all that being said, you can probably imagine that I am not a dependent, trusting, follower… Oh no, I’m very much independent, if there’s a job to be done, I’ll do it before I ask for help unless there is no way to get around doing it on my own. I am self-sufficient and can take care of myself. I still don’t trust men, and I don’t want to depend on one and have them leave me stranded. NOW, I have figured out that there are men out there that know how to behave themselves and know how to be around girls without trying to get them in bed… AND better yet, actually respects that a girl respects her own body. Then, with a little time and patience, I finally became comfortable with a man doing something for me, be it opening a door, or helping me with a job. Though, I still try to weasel my way out of that stuff, I am definitely more accepting of it. And lastly, yes, I DO have some problems with authority….

Now, put those together and voilà, you now know why I planned to spend the rest of my life alone with my animals and family and friends, but never actually get close enough to anyone to let them become a husband.. My personality intimidates most guys and I suppose I don’t really have the personality to be married to anyone. But, over the last couple years it’s been kind of a struggle back and forth between wanting to be single for the rest of my life and maybe wanting to be married later on down the road. The problem has been that I’m too bullheaded and untrusting to WANT have a partner, I worry that I wouldn’t make them feel… adequate enough.. I don’t know.. Plus, I also kind of feel like a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode at the first sign of distrust. I know I definitely have some work to do before I ever get real heavily involved with someone.

But you see, this is my problem, I met someone I kind of like, ok.. maybe not kind of like, but REALLY like, he’s great. We’ve had this conversation before, about how I would have to let him open doors for me, and I’d have to let him help me with things because he WANTS to. It’s so funny, in an awesome kind of way, because he understands, he’s doesn’t want me to be incapable, but he wants to aid. He wants to be a gentleman…

We’ve talked about the fact that I am extremely independent and I don’t NEED a man in my life to take care of me. And his response is, “But I still wouldn’t mind taking care of you”. I guess that’s where it boils down to, needing and wanting. Sure, I don’t NEED a man, but instead I want you… I consciously, logically, willingly, desire to have you. Rather than being forced, because I need you. Sure, I can want you in my life, that sounds much more pleasant…

With time, I think I will come around. I will become inter-dependent and independent, rather than codependent. I will have the ability to trust much deeper than I have before and maybe, just maybe, some of my issues with being bullheaded towards male authority will die down and not hassle me as much. I think it’s just a matter of God bringing along the right man who knows how to lead me and work with me rather than just following behind, or trying to drag me..

I remember watching a show with my parents many years ago and the one thing that stuck in my head was when the husband, of a insecure housewife and mother of 4 or 5 kids, was talking to a neighbor:

Roy: I know times have changed, but a man’s still a man. And you deserve to have your wife respect you.
Tom: She respects me plenty, Roy. Here’s the thing you gotta understand about her. She grew up without her dad. Her mom was a drinker. So she had to be responsible for everyone.
Roy: Yeah, well, that’s rough.
Tom: Yeah. It left her with this constant fear that everything could suddenly fall apart. And that’s why she needs to control everything. Of course, she can’t. Nobody can. But… She can control me… If I let her. So I do. Because it makes her feel safe. And that is my job, as her husband… to make her feel safe.

Anyway, that stuck with me because at that point in my life I knew that THAT’S the kind of man I would need. Someone who would find a way to help me feel secure. However, I do hope that I don’t have to feel in control of everything because sometimes I think it would be nice to just let someone else handle things. How’s the saying go? “Don’t walk in front of me because I may not follow, don’t walk behind me because I may not lead, walk beside me and hold my hand.” Except, I know that if I am given the chance, I will lead, because that’s what I do. Instead, I need to be guided…

Wow, this is a bit of information for me to process. But I guess all that to say this. No matter what the problems are, God will bring along the right person who will be able to help you through whatever is plaguing your mind. It’s a simple matter of patience, even when it seems like a hopeless situation. The only hopeless situation is one that has been given up on.

For those of you who are still waiting for that right person, that person who can handle your bullheaded personality, or your emotional baggage, or whatever you need them to do, there is still someone out there who is suitable for you. Just be patient, and in the process, respect yourself. Don’t sleep around with the first guy that comes your way. Don’t flaunt yourself, those are negative ways to get attention and will undoubtedly attract the wrong boys… Patience, patience, patience… Trust me, I don’t do patience well… but I am definitely loyal to myself and my friend.. and as long as he is willing to work with me and he doesn’t give up on me, I think, we might just be alright… My own morals and the way I have been raised will keep me on a straight and loyal path.. a respectable path..

Anyway, I don’t know if y’all will get as much out of this as I have, but I hope it helps someone..

God Bless,

Jessica