Relationships and Insecurities

So, has the thought of having a partner ever made you nervous, or maybe a little uhm…. anxious? Maybe that’s the word I’m looking for… Relationships and insecurities hardly go well together, unless both are willing and able to work through them. Working through that kind of stuff takes a strong couple, or at least a persistent one… Ideally both should have a Godly foundation to help them along. But it can be done.

Seriously though, I’ve lived all my life learning that men can’t be trusted, can’t be depended on, I spent my first 16 years thinking that all men were egotistical jerks that were only after one thing… In the process, I also learned that a man can’t tell me what I can and can’t do, along with striving to be equal to men in the fact that I can do any physical work a man can do. On top of that, I wasn’t much of one for letting men help me or open doors for me, if anything I would try to open the doors for them so they wouldn’t open them first.. Now, do understand, I was never rude to anyone, if someone opened a door for me, I’d tip my head and thank them politely…. AFTER I tried to get the door for them, granted… But, I was never rude to anyone.

So with all that being said, you can probably imagine that I am not a dependent, trusting, follower… Oh no, I’m very much independent, if there’s a job to be done, I’ll do it before I ask for help unless there is no way to get around doing it on my own. I am self-sufficient and can take care of myself. I still don’t trust men, and I don’t want to depend on one and have them leave me stranded. NOW, I have figured out that there are men out there that know how to behave themselves and know how to be around girls without trying to get them in bed… AND better yet, actually respects that a girl respects her own body. Then, with a little time and patience, I finally became comfortable with a man doing something for me, be it opening a door, or helping me with a job. Though, I still try to weasel my way out of that stuff, I am definitely more accepting of it. And lastly, yes, I DO have some problems with authority….

Now, put those together and voilà, you now know why I planned to spend the rest of my life alone with my animals and family and friends, but never actually get close enough to anyone to let them become a husband.. My personality intimidates most guys and I suppose I don’t really have the personality to be married to anyone. But, over the last couple years it’s been kind of a struggle back and forth between wanting to be single for the rest of my life and maybe wanting to be married later on down the road. The problem has been that I’m too bullheaded and untrusting to WANT have a partner, I worry that I wouldn’t make them feel… adequate enough.. I don’t know.. Plus, I also kind of feel like a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode at the first sign of distrust. I know I definitely have some work to do before I ever get real heavily involved with someone.

But you see, this is my problem, I met someone I kind of like, ok.. maybe not kind of like, but REALLY like, he’s great. We’ve had this conversation before, about how I would have to let him open doors for me, and I’d have to let him help me with things because he WANTS to. It’s so funny, in an awesome kind of way, because he understands, he’s doesn’t want me to be incapable, but he wants to aid. He wants to be a gentleman…

We’ve talked about the fact that I am extremely independent and I don’t NEED a man in my life to take care of me. And his response is, “But I still wouldn’t mind taking care of you”. I guess that’s where it boils down to, needing and wanting. Sure, I don’t NEED a man, but instead I want you… I consciously, logically, willingly, desire to have you. Rather than being forced, because I need you. Sure, I can want you in my life, that sounds much more pleasant…

With time, I think I will come around. I will become inter-dependent and independent, rather than codependent. I will have the ability to trust much deeper than I have before and maybe, just maybe, some of my issues with being bullheaded towards male authority will die down and not hassle me as much. I think it’s just a matter of God bringing along the right man who knows how to lead me and work with me rather than just following behind, or trying to drag me..

I remember watching a show with my parents many years ago and the one thing that stuck in my head was when the husband, of a insecure housewife and mother of 4 or 5 kids, was talking to a neighbor:

Roy: I know times have changed, but a man’s still a man. And you deserve to have your wife respect you.
Tom: She respects me plenty, Roy. Here’s the thing you gotta understand about her. She grew up without her dad. Her mom was a drinker. So she had to be responsible for everyone.
Roy: Yeah, well, that’s rough.
Tom: Yeah. It left her with this constant fear that everything could suddenly fall apart. And that’s why she needs to control everything. Of course, she can’t. Nobody can. But… She can control me… If I let her. So I do. Because it makes her feel safe. And that is my job, as her husband… to make her feel safe.

Anyway, that stuck with me because at that point in my life I knew that THAT’S the kind of man I would need. Someone who would find a way to help me feel secure. However, I do hope that I don’t have to feel in control of everything because sometimes I think it would be nice to just let someone else handle things. How’s the saying go? “Don’t walk in front of me because I may not follow, don’t walk behind me because I may not lead, walk beside me and hold my hand.” Except, I know that if I am given the chance, I will lead, because that’s what I do. Instead, I need to be guided…

Wow, this is a bit of information for me to process. But I guess all that to say this. No matter what the problems are, God will bring along the right person who will be able to help you through whatever is plaguing your mind. It’s a simple matter of patience, even when it seems like a hopeless situation. The only hopeless situation is one that has been given up on.

For those of you who are still waiting for that right person, that person who can handle your bullheaded personality, or your emotional baggage, or whatever you need them to do, there is still someone out there who is suitable for you. Just be patient, and in the process, respect yourself. Don’t sleep around with the first guy that comes your way. Don’t flaunt yourself, those are negative ways to get attention and will undoubtedly attract the wrong boys… Patience, patience, patience… Trust me, I don’t do patience well… but I am definitely loyal to myself and my friend.. and as long as he is willing to work with me and he doesn’t give up on me, I think, we might just be alright… My own morals and the way I have been raised will keep me on a straight and loyal path.. a respectable path..

Anyway, I don’t know if y’all will get as much out of this as I have, but I hope it helps someone..

God Bless,

Jessica

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