It amazes me how many young ladies and young men will look at you and say “Oh, they’ll change after we get married.” Or “That won’t happen.”
Well, I’m here to ask, what if they don’t change? What if that does happen? Then what?
You want kids, she doesn’t? “Oh, she’ll understand eventually” or “He’ll see after a little while.”
Mom’s trying to control the relationship and he/she won’t stand up to her to protect the relationship, “Oh, his/her mom will leave it alone once we are married.” Or “He’ll stand up to her after we are married.”
He/she gets a job in the military or any other public safety job such as police officer, firefighter, etc. and has the possibility (not saying everyone is like this) of changing because those jobs have a habit of creating complete…. Jerks… egocentric, hero complexed people, and I hear, “They won’t change.”
I’ve seen girls who have stayed with boys who continue looking at other young women and they say, “He’ll stop that when we are married.”
Different religions, “God will change him/her. They’ll see it one day and change.”
Drug addicts and alcoholics, “God will change them.” Or “If he/she really loves me they’ll stop.”
I’m not here to say that if you encounter these problems you shouldn’t get married, what I’m saying is, it’s time we put our heads on straight and look at the situation with a new perspective. WHAT IF THEY DON’T CHANGE?
Us girls are always told to watch how young men treat their mothers because that is how they will treat us. It seems these young men are one extreme or the other, they are either under their mothers thumb, or don’t give a dang about her at all.
A note to the mothers out there who use any form of manipulation on your sons, please stop. You are turning perfectly fine young men into suckling infants. That may be harsh, but I’m getting tired of all these boys that have no backbone, no concept of standing up for themselves or the girl they want to or have married. It makes it really hard to find a decent young man.
A note to the young men, you are a young man! No, don’t go off halfcocked, don’t be unreasonable. But stand up for yourself! Stand up for your female friends/girlfriends! There comes a point at which you can’t let your parents walk all over you or your girlfriend/fiancé/wife. There is no problem with you having a good relationship with your parents, the problem comes in when you are afraid to stand up for yourself and you are allowing your parents to use you as a doormat, or you are expecting your girlfriend/fiancé/wife to be a doormat.
So in all seriousness, to you young people out there, if you marry a man or woman who can’t stand up to their parents, you will inevitably be marrying their parents. Then you will eventually be wondering why it is they aren’t standing up for you. The girls especially will want to know why the man that is supposed to protect them isn’t standing up for their relationship. It will create a very unhappy marriage, possibly ending in divorce.
I don’t say this to detour the marriage or try to scare you, instead it is a strong word of caution. Because there are many young men who are truly wonderful but they lack the ability to stand up for themselves or their girlfriends when it comes to their parents. I say if it’s a parent issue, by all means, marry him/her, BUT make sure to get those issues ironed out before you get married. The husband and wife should have a game plan on how to handle it that does not include, simply ignoring it.
They should also have an idea of how they are going to handle different situations, such as having children, and religion and the sort. Because even if they are small problems now that you are hoping will change or have a possibility of becoming a problem in the future, it should be discussed before marriage.
Some of you may ask, “What makes you think you know anything?” My only answer to that is simply this.
I have seen it in so many marriages, so many relationships… It’s a lesson I have learned by the mistakes of others. I have had a mother who has raised me to be dependent on no one, and so I don’t NEED a boyfriend, it is not a priority. If I meet a man who I care about deeply, great, so be it. But I hope I never become so blinded by love that my mother never has to use those frying pans I have told her she was allowed to hit me with. Because if she has to get out those frying pans, I’ve got a whole list of other people that I told could hit me upside the head with a frying pan if I ever stayed in an unhealthy relationship, or allowed a healthy relationship to be destroyed because I/we didn’t take the necessary steps.
I hope this wasn’t too terribly harsh, but does get my point across.
Mothers: Raise trustworthy, independent, young men who are self-thinkers and have a backbone. Also, your daughter looks to you to know how a man should be treated, honestly, your sons do too. But we look to you for that knowledge of respecting a man, and loving him.
Fathers: Be a daddy to your young girls and a daddy to your boys. You are our picture of how a man should treat us, and if you treat us like crap that’s what we are likely to marry. And your boys look to you as their hero, they want to grow up to be like you, if you treat their sisters or their mother with disrespect, that is how they will grow up treating young ladies. Trust me, I grew up with a crummy father, and thankfully mom has raised me well enough and I’ve had some fairly decent mentors in my life I know how I should be treated, but don’t think for one second that it doesn’t pain me when the thought of “I’m not good enough to be treated this way.” Crosses my mind.
Young men: Give your girl a reason to trust you. Your job is to care for her and protect her, that includes from your parents (bonus points if you stand up to her parents). Don’t let her doubt your love for her. Make sure you cover any and all topics before you marry her, so that you both know the ins and outs and what is going to drive you batty for the rest of your life.
Young women: Don’t give your man a reason to distrust you. You are his support, if he’s having to deal with his parents it’s going to be hard on him if he is one of those men who WANT a good relationship with his family. The same goes for us, cover all aspects of the relationship, if you don’t want kids, make sure that is made abundantly clear. If you have goals, make them known. Learn as much as you can so you know what you will be dealing with after marriage.
Young couples: Don’t go into the relationship thinking this or that will change, go into the relationship thinking about if you can’t change ANYTHING not even your situation with parents, is that something you would be ok with for the rest of your life?
Alright, I’m done now.
Good Luck to you all,