I read an article earlier on so many ways a girl who is outgoing but guarded loves differently, but it failed to actually talk about how we love or how to love us… It felt so spot on for myself. And really, it goes for so much more than what the article was talking about, because it was going for a more boyfriend/girlfriend feel and basic personality traits. I look at it, and see, this could go for anyone who really wants to care for a woman or girl, who is like this… Whether you’re a pastor trying to figure a particular woman out that you think wants your help, or a stepdad dealing with a daughter (of any age), or a dad dealing with a daughter (of any age), or even a biological dad, or a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, as well as a husband trying to get his wife to trust him…
We have trust issues, and it’s not an easy journey for anyone. But it pays off in the long run and I think, it is well worth it. Because we’ll take care of you as best we can through the whole thing and we are some of the most loyal and committed people.
I think if we were to go into that this is what I would have to say,
1. We smile (A lot)
We love to spread happiness wherever we go. It’s one of the perks to being who we are, quiet, yet outgoing at the same time. Our goal is to simply brighten someone’s day by the smallest gestures of kindness.
2. We won’t trust anyone immediately
We’ll laugh with you and everyone else, we know how to have a good time just like anyone else. But we are still skeptical of everyone around us. We have a hard time making GOOD friends because they don’t have the same level of commitment to their friends or there’s just something about them that makes us not trust them. But deep down inside of us, we desperately want someone to trust. Sometimes it tears us up when we have people we want to trust in, but can’t.
3. We’ll talk to (almost) anyone
It’s part of spreading that joy that we keep inside of us. We can be the life of a conversation and social butterflies without a problem. However, due to some of our trust issues, there’s only so much personal detail you will receive. Although, I’m one of those people who will share most personal details if there’s a purpose for it. Mostly because I don’t want sympathy, and the past itself doesn’t bother me. There’s just some left over damage I’m still mending… But due to our lack of trust and our social behavior, we have lots of people we like talking to and even hanging out with, but few friends.
4. Likely, we won’t make the first encounter
Despite being social and loving conversation, we don’t generally like being the one to start a conversation. It’s a good possibility, that we are either concerned about being a burden or we don’t want to get tangled up with the wrong person. So we prefer to let others make the first move and often times, we really hope you do even when it seems like we are trying to avoid you. Partially, because it shows us that you are somewhat committed and we might be able to trust you a little easier.
5. We seem like we have it together
But we don’t, otherwise, we probably wouldn’t be so worried about trusting people. You can never truly tell if someone has their crap together until you get to know them. But the bonus is, once you get to know us, we’ll talk to you and in the same way that we hope you will listen, we are more than happy to hear your problems and help you the same way you were willing to listen and help with ours.
6. We’re beautifully broken and want to be loved
If there’s anything I personally can say on this, it’s that we can be so guarded it hurts. Because we don’t have anyone to trust and we’re always skeptical of someone. All we really want is someone who has guts and is courageous and is committed enough to push past the concertina wire and fire pits and steel enforced brick walls and then reach the beautiful valley where it looks like everything is going to be ok, only to reach the fire swamp and a heavier guarded, thicker, stronger, wall…. It takes a special person to get through that mess, and if they can understand that there is a reason those walls were strategically built and we can’t just simply tear them down, it will make it easier. Though, we feel horrible when our guardedness inflicts emotional pain on someone we love because they feel like it’s hopeless… I promise you, we aren’t hopeless. We just need help.
7. We likely live for the future by working in the present
We can thoroughly enjoy our present times, but we invest a lot of time into thinking about our near and distant future and how a current problem or situation could cause an issue in our future. We don’t like making the same mistake twice, or really any mistake. Sometimes, we over think it so much that we actually create problems.
8. We want you to get through those walls
I know I keep saying this, it’s important to understand, for the right person, we will help you get through them as much as possible. We are skeptical little people, because most of us have been through many that we thought were trustworthy, only to find that they really weren’t. So I encourage you to PUSH onward and don’t give up because the kind of loyalty and kindness and compassion you will be rewarded with is immeasurable.
9. We’ll run
We tend to run, we get close to someone, it scares us… I can’t even explain how terrifying it is to become attached to someone and then fear getting close to them. I have a tendency to destroy relationships with people I care about for fear of getting close to them. But here’s the key, chase us… We may get annoyed, but if you truly love us, be it your daughter, your girlfriend, your wife… You won’t give up. If you make it past the atomic bomb she tried to blow you up with, she’ll see that you are devoted and you love her and she’ll likely come back trusting so much deeper than she could before. When you show us that you can stick with us no matter what we throw at you, it means the world to us.
10. Patience is a virtue
Sometimes, you might have to let us make some calls, we need to be able to trust that we can talk to you about anything and everything, whenever…. You can’t force us to speak… Many times, it’s just hard to talk to people for fear of what they’ll say, or whether or not they’ll approve or talk down to us. We prefer to keep most things to ourselves, unless, we can trust you with what we have to say.
Speaking of patience, I’m just throwing this in here, I don’t really know if it applies to everyone who is guarded or not, but change is huge. You can’t force us into something, or force me to do something without breaking whatever trust has been created. Especially when you are changing many things at once. Even if it is only little things to you, they are huge things to me… to us…
12. Even small stuff
I’m sure this goes beyond just me… But, I think when someone has serious trust issues, every little detail will make us question the relationship. Whether it’s a friend not calling or someone you live with changing the way they act with you, it bothers us. It makes us wonder what we did wrong. Chances are we won’t say anything, because that will mean we’ll have to be open and showing vulnerability. We’ll have to be willing to let that person know that we want them and that is an unacceptable position to be in because we convince ourselves we don’t need anyone because we don’t want to have to trust anyone or become attached to anyone. That’s just what we tell ourselves though…
13. We have a lot to give
When someone breaks through those walls, it means they care… Someone has spent much time and energy and probably countless nights in emotional distress over not being trusted by someone they love and that lets us know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you care. We’ll help you where we can, we may not always be vocal so you have to be careful, because a lot of times, I think we just want to see if you notice… And heaven forbid you don’t notice, it will throw us for a momentary tailspin wondering why we thought we could trust you and what did we do wrong. But if you are in for the long haul it’s not hard to gain any lost ground. That’s where our outgoing personalities come in your favor. I think you’ll find that the reward of a woman or daughter, who is caring and lovely and loving, is unmatchable. Because we have a hard time trusting people, I think that makes us one of the most trustworthy and loyal types, because we are always afraid of giving someone we love a reason not to trust, love, or accept us. We want a full devoted trust and loyalty in return for the trust and loyalty we are giving to you. Because after the emotional battle of breaking through all those walls, you deserve someone with a devout loyalty and someone you can trust everything to.
Being with someone who is guarded is hard, it’s a long emotional process that might make you wonder why she hates you, but we don’t hate you if anything we hate that we are so guarded. I know because I can see in myself that it is not easy for those who try to get close to me. There’s only a handful of people I’ve ever been close to and for those people, they are a huge part of my life. The way they feel, the things going on in their life, it concerns me. Not in an anxious way, but it is part of who I am to make sure they are happy and move mountains if necessary when they are in need. There’s really only been a handful of people in all my 20 years that have actually stuck with me. Some became frustrated once they got close and only added fuel to the fire when I became scared… Others, I should’ve been able to trust, but never were able to. And other’s just left without a trace or excuse. But I am incredibly thankful to those who have stuck by me.
It doesn’t matter if we are your daughter, girlfriend, wife, student, or a simple friend. If you can break through those walls and stay there, you’ll have a friend for life.
I apologize for the length of this… Thank you for bearing with me.
Y’all have a good rest of your weekend,