Dating is a Learning Curve

I know this is public… And obviously not every situation has to be shared through this. But I did this so that I could learn and so that people can hopefully learn from my mistakes…
I dated my first boyfriend for a year. That was a rough one, I invested so much emotionally, physically and mentally, when I realized things weren’t going to work, I struggled to end the relationship. I tried twice in March to tell him I was done, I half way tried again at the end of March. Telling him that I needed to be done, but didn’t tell him I WANTED to be done.
I didn’t want to hurt him. He is far more sensitive than me and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Then I realized that hanging onto him was only hurting both of us more. It was hurting me more because it was adding to my stress, I found that every other night I was venting about something. And him, he was trying to find ways to relocate so he could be 4 hours closer putting him only 30 minutes away from me so we could actually see each other.
I got tired of skipping things I wanted to do because I was trying to spend time with him because I knew if I didn’t take that time, I wouldn’t get to talk to him. Our evenings were screwed up… My family is busy getting kids ready for bed, getting everyone showered and ready for the next day. So after dinner at 6:30-10 I’m doing absolutely nothing. About 10:00 pm mom wants to spend time with me till she goes to bed.
My ex-boyfriend on the other hand wanted to watch movies from 6:30-10 and would get huffy because I would go talk to mom and by the time I got him called back, he was already in bed. OR I would choose to talk to him over spending time with mom, and he would sit on his phone the whole time. Making me regret not going and talking with mom.
He took me to a military ball back in November and I never told anyone because I was ashamed of the fact that he did this to me and I still stayed with him, once his buddies left, he spent the last hour and a half on his phone. So I sat there watching everyone else talk while he played on fb. On top of that, he was supposed to pay for half of my plane ticket up there. He told me he would pay for my dress and the hotel… Then he tells me that he paid for one dinner for me, my mom and my two sisters, and paid for the tickets for the ball for myself and him so felt we were even… I had spent well over $500… Which, I was relying on halving at least $300 back.
To begin listing problems I was having, his cursing had gotten too much. I don’t curse so it eventually wears on your ears when the smallest mishap causes a string of curse words. He would lose a game on his phone and you would hear “You Mother F’ing, son of a f’ing B****, you F’ing F’er,” and I would ask him if that was really necessary and he’d answer back with a short tempered yes.
He was obsessive over the fact that he would always carry a gun around my mom’s husband because he wanted to have the upper hand if her husband did something he didn’t approve of. He told me on multiple occasions that he would shoot her husband if he felt like it was necessary.
He hated both of my parents, regardless of the fact that they were nice to him despite the fact that they did not approve of him. But rather than trying to get to know them, he chose to avoid them in every way possible.
When it came to his temper, he couldn’t handle owning it and controlling it. It was always “well so and so made me angry.” “Only you can let them make you angry.” “No. They made me get angry.” He could own up his mistakes in a heartbeat when it came to me. Which was something that pulled me closer to him. But when it came to his temper as long as it wasn’t me, it was everyone else that made him angry. Or it was his anxiety, apparently his anxiety causes him to have a hot temper too…
Due to respect for him, there were some pretty major things that supposedly played into his anxiety that I cannot publicly say, but I didn’t see those things… I feel like they should have been more obvious, but it took me talking to other people within the army for me to start seeing that the things my ex-boyfriend was telling me weren’t adding up.
Then you start reaching the smaller stuff, like, I do MMA for a reason, I LOVE to roughhouse and pick some sort of play fight. He wouldn’t. In fact, he would get upset if I tried to roughhouse with him. I kept trying to tell him I wasn’t a delicate flower and I don’t get hurt easily but he never would. Or that his sense of humor was wrapped up in Chauvinistic jokes. Whether he actually believed it or not, I can’t say I know for sure, but I was concerned that it would be a matter of time before he decided to transfer that mindset to me if that’s what he liked to joke about and then blame the army for it. He decided that I would need to do the majority of coming to see him because it was more important for him to blow his money on things he wanted to do so he couldn’t afford to come see me. But heaven forbid I didn’t have the money to see him because I have classes I need to pay for… And thus, he would get mad when I wouldn’t take off work because I was/am dead set on getting the classes paid for. He just wasn’t a happy person in general… He wasn’t happy with his life, he wasn’t happy with himself, he carried around his past and put in on a pedestal and coddled it using it to “Ok” how he handled situations and how no one was EVER going to disrespect him.
Anyway, I’m going to give that a break and say this, he was sweet to me. He was amazing, he opened all the doors for me, he paid for all of our “dates” and even when he would ask for help on something more expensive he would still usually pay for it. He had the ability to be very kind hearted and selfless, but I had gotten to the point with everything else, I couldn’t do it. He definitely showed me things to look for in a future husband, but also showed me a lot of things I thought I could handle, but can’t.
When I realized I had developed feelings for someone else, I knew something had to be done fast because I wasn’t going to be the girl who cheated. So two weeks into trying to grow a backbone and tell him I was done, I was getting my timeline out. Saturday I figured out I was done and knew I was done. I didn’t want to tell him that day because he had to work the next morning and if I told him, he wouldn’t sleep that night and then he’d be at work miserable the next day. His schedule was one day on, one day off, so he had Monday off, but between me not wanting to talk to him and him being “busy”, we really didn’t even talk Monday. He worked Tuesday which meant he had Wednesday off. However Tuesday was when I knew I was in trouble because I actually liked this other guy that I work with. So that nailed Tuesday night as the best day. He got off work at 10:30 pm and called me because I missed his phone call on his break while hanging out with this other guy at work, and he had off Wednesday, that gave him Tuesday night and Wednesday to recoup before work on Thursday.
So now that that is over, I’ve heard from him a handful of times, he wanted to tell me that he was willing to change, which was all things I heard before. And that he loved me and he was wrong. But rather than allowing that to pull me in for a 4th time, I called him out and moved on. He later called again, to let me know that even though I am essentially dating, that he and I could still make the relationship work. And he called me again later to let me know he changed his mind, that I’m too immature for a relationship, that I don’t deserve the success he’s going to achieve and that if I had worked as hard as he did for the relationship that we could have made things work. Here again, I called BS and we got off the phone. After that I finally decided I was removing all forms of contact with him. For both his sanity and mine.
I had to reason it out. I cared too much about how he felt and so it took me reasoning why it was bad for him, for me to keep holding onto him. Ultimately he wouldn’t be happy, and if he was happy that I wasn’t happy in the relationship that just brought up a whole new load of problems. I wasn’t going to wait around to figure that out. Or, with the fact that I got to the point I avoided telling people I was dating because if they were interested, I didn’t want to squash that hope, knowing that if anyone took me up on it I would either have to tell my ex or cheat on him… Well, finally someone finally took me up on it asked for my number, asked to go meet up. Luckily for me I had already determined how and when, so it all just happened simultaneously. Naturally he got mad when he found out I was already going out to dinner with a “friend” and I got the lecture about it being too soon and having no time to heal. The problem was that mentally, I was done with the relationship in February. I had come to the grips with the fact that I was done. And I’m one of those people who are kind of emotionally separated anyway. If I decide someone isn’t worth my time, I can walk away without batting an eye. Like with this, I feel bad for him, but I’m enjoying life and after I broke up with him, he was kind enough to show me just how crazy he is which only made sure I knew I made the right choice.
I have a guy momentarily who is trying really hard to be only a friend, but is failing miserably… He’s so funny, because he’s such a boy that it’s actually ridiculously cute… He’s that teenage boy that reaches up to stretch and tries to put his arm around you without you noticing… Except he does it in different ways. Like, sitting on the other side of a bench, he fidgets enough that he works his way so he’s leaned up against me or he grabs a hold of me in play and lets his head “accidentally” fall into my lap… He’s just a dork and I love that about him… He reminds me a lot of my mom’s husband which is something that intrigues me about him… and he’s a complete polar opposite of my ex. He calls me, he texts me, he picks me up from home, or picks me up from work, takes me to the lake to eat dinner… It’s not at all what I’m used to. When he sees me, he leaves his phone in the car or in another room. We can roughhouse and when I tell him he bruised me he laughs and tells me I deserved it… Which, as backwards as it may sound to people who don’t wrestle, I love it! But, he seems to be leaning towards moving away for a job. So we are just supposed to be maintaining a friend status till he decides what he wants to do.
It’s funny though because my parents dropped by his apartment for a surprise visit and he took it in stride, wasn’t expecting it, ran around his apartment “cleaning” which consisted of pushing in a chair, taking his clean laundry out of the living area and into his room, taking his pillow that was on the couch (he was sick) and putting that into his room while he muttered about his immaculate apartment being a wreck… He’s a neat freak… But he did, and afterwards we had an almost 20 minute conversation about how much he liked my parents…
Where my ex, would have lost his crap and would have been going about how dare they drop by like that and not give any warning and probably threatening to shoot them if they ever did it again.
Here’s the thing. Even if this guy does move. I will not at all regret any decisions I have made. Because he gave me needed motivation to leaving a bad relationship and he taught me that there are guys out there who have what I need. He’s also helped me see that city slickers may not be so bad after all, especially when they are willing to explore your world too… And he does, he takes an interest in my MMA and he’s trying to muster up the guts to see the horses… But he’s also the first person to tell you he’s a little Pansy and he needs to man up.
My only regret will be if he decides to move and then I will be legitimately sad. Because I have already allowed myself to get close to him and he’s down now, doing an in person interview for this company… So yeah, I’m feeling a little pouty already.
But, if he moves, I’ll get over myself pretty quick like and know that though this guy is 100 times better than my ex, there’s someone who’s going to be even better than the guy I’m liking now.
And I’m not putting all this out there to publicly bad mouth my ex… I’m putting it out there because all that crap I mentioned, I didn’t see till 7 months into the relationship and then realized there “might” be some issues… Then 10 months in I realized these things couldn’t be ignored, finally the 12th month we had two and a half breakups, each time he pulled me in saying he would change, he screwed up, he’s sorry, give him another chance, and I would allow him to drag me back in.
Don’t do it. If they want to change they will change. They won’t feed you some BS excuse like, “You had to tell me.” Or “Guys don’t take hints.” Because one thing I will say, is there’s guys who joke about not being able to take hints… But I know a few who do even though they won’t admit to it. Because I’ve seen how they treat their wife, or me, or other women. Obviously you can’t be stupid with it, any person deserves to be told, but when it’s something obvious like, your boyfriend is ignoring you and playing on their phone and you tell them that it drives you nuts when people are on their phones while someone is trying to talk to them… That’s a pretty obvious hint…
I think a second chance is fair, after being outright told there’s an issue and this is what it is. That way it gives them an opportunity to fix it, but at this point, I would like to hope that I wouldn’t allow myself to get pulled back in by some sweet talking boy who knows how to play their words.
If a guy or girl cares about you, you’ll know it. You won’t have to play this game of we’re done, I’m sorry, I love you, we’re back together. Every relationship is going to have issues yes… But it shouldn’t be every little thing causing issues, and you definitely should never feel like you aren’t a priority… when friends, or hunting, or fishing, or a flipping phone takes priority over you, there’s a problem.
So, now that I’ve written y’all a 4 page book, I’m going to see if I can go through here and cut some things out to make it shorter… wait… that put it at 5 pages… I got it down to 4 pages… but I cheated and made the margins smaller….
Anyway,
God Bless,
Good Luck,
Jessica

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Attraction, Dating and Relationships

Desperation isn’t an attractive feature… Needy isn’t an attractive feature… I’ve maintained for a while that I would never need a man, but wanting a man would be something different. There’s a sort of insanity in this world when a man is willing to try to date woman who is allowing another man to pursue her… All because he “needs” that woman.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s sweet in its own weird way that he feels like he loves her enough to overlook it, but why torture yourself? Just on that alone, if a woman, or a man, doesn’t feel the same way about you, wouldn’t you at least owe it to yourself to find someone better? Find someone more capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved?
Some things can be fixed when they are broken, but emotions are a tricky thing. There’s a point for some, that once their emotions are decided, that is it. You can’t force someone to love you again, and even if they are willing to try to pretend, try to fake it till you make it kind of thing, if they aren’t happy is it a healthy relationship? Is it a healthy relationship when one is content because he or she has the spouse of their dreams, but they completely overlook the fact that their spouse isn’t happy. They don’t care if their spouse loves them, so long as their spouse is theirs.
There are people that are so willing to overlook cheating because they “need” that one person. There is a difference between genuinely coming to a mending over a significant other cheating, and being willing to say you forgive them and turn a blind eye to it because you don’t want to accept that they don’t love you.
I was accused of cheating, cheating because in my mind I decided I liked someone a week before I left the relationship… cheating because I told this someone I “had,” as in previously/no more, a boyfriend because I didn’t want him to lose interest because I had a boyfriend that I decided two weeks before I was walking away from… cheating because the night I decided I liked this someone, was mere hours before I knew I couldn’t hold off any longer this conversation that needed to take place that night.
But you see, I will admit, I do believe it was a form of cheating. To tell someone you don’t have a boyfriend when you do, is wrong. But on the same note, he cheated on me not once, but on a daily basis with his phone. His phone got more attention than myself, his phone was more important than myself, his facebook, his games, his news, his emails, his news again, his game… again… and then, I got tired of it. And really, it wasn’t the only reason, but on the chance that maybe he reads this. Maybe he won’t be so quick to tell people that I cheated first…
I am strong, but strict, there is little room for error with me, and any guy is going to find that as a challenge. But that is ok. Anything worth having is worth the work right?
The funny thing is, the one whom I dated is polar opposites of the one I am getting to know.
I’m a country girl through and through, I am a tomboy that will make other tomboys look like girly girls. My previous boyfriend, was wound up tighter than stretched barbwire, cussed more than I could handle, blew up over the smallest things, his phone was his life, I couldn’t wrestle with him, but he was a big outdoors person.
The one who is currently catching my attention doesn’t curse (told me the only time he curses is during a basketball game), is probably too laid back, leaves his phone in random places because he forgets about it, and is a complete city slicker pansy boy who’s afraid of everything except dogs and cats! But I actually feel more comfortable jacking around with him and I can actually wrestle with him. Like, he left a bruise on me because he actually picks back! And despite his pansy city side, he’s trying to explore my world, he’s willing to explore my world. Which is cool to me. And, he’s come to grips with the fact that I’m going to crack jokes with him about me being manlier than him.
Anyway, point being, there’s someone out there for everyone. Take it slow, get to know them, learn your pet peeves and what you are willing to tolerate. That was something I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I was willing to tolerate. I knew what I definitely was not tolerating, but had a list of things I thought I could tolerate till I started weeding them out.
So, I went into this whole dating idea that I would have one boyfriend and one only, we dated for a year and it didn’t work, and I am honestly very much ok with that. I learned a lot though, he taught me somethings that I would definitely notice were gone and would like to see them in potential boyfriends, but he also taught me a lot on what I wasn’t able to handle. And that’s ok too.
I know for being 22 and only having had one boyfriend, it’s not a rare occurrence, but if you are determined to only ever date one person, don’t marry the person because of that. Make sure you do genuinely love them and care for them. I don’t necessarily agree with “shopping around” and dating every guy you see, but dating more than one isn’t a bad thing either…
Anyhow, I’m not sure how well this all ties together, but, I think I’ve said my part.
God Bless,
Jessica

Self-Control, Offense and Forgiveness

There’s a difference between self-control and being walked on…
I know that it can be a very fine line at times. I struggle with that line myself, because sometimes finding that line is hard. Trying to gauge whether you are being a doormat or whether you actually using self-control and being respectful.
I guess it boils down to knowing when to stand up and voice your opinion and knowing when to step back and keep your mouth shut.
Blowing your lid over everything or even over smaller details and getting excessively angry because you refuse to be walked on may only escalate the situation and make it worse. Or choosing to dwell on it and allowing it to define your actions and the way you treat people.
But, I think… I think I’m seeing a little more of the aspect on maintaining self-control. When someone can talk about multiple bad incidents, not use a curse word and not let those past problems make them mad… Or the fact that from there they don’t stereotype and assume that because of a few bad run-in’s with a group of people mean they all must be that way.
The fact that they can get picked on, or in “trouble” and they can leave and be able to brush it off their shoulders…
Honestly, there’s usually a way to handle any situation without being disrespectful, without being rude or getting angry… Yeah, it may frustrate you, even make you fume a bit, but the difference is, do you let it affect your daily life? The way you treat people? Do you let it become an excuse for poor behavior?
I get not allowing people to walk on you, but it goes back to that theory that a calm word quiets a quarrel and a harsh word stirs up wrath… When we become so worried about not allowing ourselves to be walked on, or taken advantage of, there’s a point where we become so guarded, we can manage to find anything that is potentially an issue and making it a massive problem. Especially when it isn’t your own issue but you are taking it as an offense regardless.
We are all guilty of it to some degree or another, and to a degree that’s ok. But it’s what we continue doing with those situations. We’ve all taken a situation that wasn’t our own and gotten offended by it, angry, mad, frustrated, whatever you want to call it. But it’s our choice to continue doing it, and it’s our choice to begin putting an end to it.
I have a client who always tells me that he is a logical thinker and has no emotion because emotions get people into trouble… And honestly, I whole heartedly agree… Obviously, we need emotion, but if we could rule out emotions on certain situations and use logic, quit wearing our hearts on our sleeves and letting past situations affect current feelings, we might find, it would be easier to handle the offense as it comes.
Ted Dekker likes to refer to offense as waves, or troubled waters…
“Take a leap of faith and see that these troubled waters have no power over you unless you give it to them, and even then they lie.”
“The physical power of real love is staggering, because the real forgiveness is staggering.”
“Always remember you have been given the power to forgive any offense, and in so doing, remove it from your awareness as far as the east is from the west. True Vision is his gift, allowing you to see no blame; forgiveness is your truest purpose in the life. Seventy times seven, always leaving the old self in a watery grave and rising to find no fault. That’s grace…”
“I’m here to say that you can’t make the troubled waters of life go away by defending yourself against them. You can only walk over those troubled waters if you offer peace to them and leave the safety of your boat.”
“…It’s not the water that changes. It’s what you make of the water that changes. It’s finding no offense in the water that keeps you safe, because there’s nothing to be kept safe from when you are already safe…”
“Letting go is something you do, not just talk about. Talking about forgiveness changes nothing. Doing it changes everything, not just in you, but somehow in those around you. We are not healed alone.”
“Let go of your right to take offense at all that ever threatened you and all that threatens you still. Release the fear your understanding shows you in this storm. Turn even the other cheek.”
“And why does a man get angry? Because he feels threatened or wronged. And why does he feel threatened? Because he does not believe he is safe. Why? Because he is afraid of God,” (or in my own opinion does not have the knowledge of God,) “and so cannot trust him.”

Anyway, just some thoughts to chew on for this lovely Sunday afternoon…
God Bless,
Jessica

Time Management

Something’s been on my mind… Time management… Or prioritizing… either way, I suck at both…

I’ve struggled the last few years… It really started about 3 years ago I think. I was noticing I was too tired. I would get the things done that needed done, and then I was too tired to do anything else. It was part of why I dropped out of MMA last year. Why I wasn’t working with horses. Why family time started dwindling, and I felt like I was becoming a little more reclusive all around. Things started going undone, and I would stress over having things to do the following days. Working a 9-5 job 4-5 days a week scared me because I didn’t think I could do it.

But here’s the thing. I started finding problems and worked with a doctor to start eliminating health issues. My hormones were out of whack, so we are balancing that out and that is helping with my sleep, helping me feel rested when I do sleep, increasing energy levels (even before menses) and helping me manage my stress and appetite. Magnesium baths are helping me sleep, helping with muscle soreness and Restless Leg Syndrome and Asthma. We are working on building my red blood cell count, as I’m losing too much blood and not able to replenish my blood, and I’m on something else, that tastes horribly nasty, and I’m not quite sure the purpose of it, other than it helps relieve menses pain that isn’t touched by Tylenol and Ibeprophin combined, and it isn’t a pain killer. So I’m not being knocked on my but for two days strictly to pain.

So even with all that, we also think there’s probably a fungal infection which could also be causing the fatigue but we haven’t started treating that yet. However, with my energy levels rising and getting more restful sleep, I was finding I was still hesitant on working 5 days a week.

However, I took the dive and went for it. Got a third job to add to the hoof trimming and first massage job. What I am finding has actually surprised me. I’ve found that being cooped up in a dark room for 5-7 hours a day, is actually pushing me to spend more time outside. It affects my energy levels at work, because being in a dark room is still causing me to get sleepy, but it’s still doable… It’s not like back in December and January when I was dozing while working on my clients… However, even still I am finding once I am done working, there is a whole new energy that is almost renewed in me, it’s that energy that makes me want to drive home with my windows down and my music up and then the moment I get home spend 2-3 hours outside with the horses, and then I can come in and get some more things done.

I know everyone is in different situations, I guess my push is to say this. If you find you are having trouble getting things done, there may be underlying causes…

If not, go that extra mile! You might just surprise yourself and find you are more productive!

If not, don’t get discouraged, it’s trial and error, start looking at all areas of your life, where are you spending your time? Can you ditch facebook for an hour or two… or four? Can you wake up an hour earlier or go to bed an hour later? Can you plan your meals ahead of time so you don’t have to spend the extra time during the week? Can your potty breaks be shorter? Can your children help around the house more? Can you be a little less wound up and learn to enjoy things throughout the day?

It’s a matter of finding your groove, finding what kicks up the motivation.

I always love when people get burnt out about Mondays… I’ve been like this for forever… Mondays have NEVER bothered me. Not during school, not during college, not now that I’m working. Monday is simply another day that needs doing. Each day has tasks to be completed. People dread Mondays, and to a degree I understand why, but it’s a matter of the mind, yeah? If you set Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday up to be a bad day. It’s going to be a bad day! Get out of that mindset, understand it’s just another day, get up, and get it done!

If you want to get another job, get out and do it! If you don’t have time, find the time. If you can’t do, find a way. Get motivated, get pumped, if you have to listen to rock music at 4 a.m. while you’re driving to work DO IT!

Even still, I am cautious on adding things to my schedule, because I try to be very careful so I don’t burn myself out… because there is such a thing. I’m supposed to go running with a friend on Saturday at 7 a.m. before work at 9. I have a hard enough time getting up at 7:30 to be at work by 8:45. But, we are going to try it. I have someone to hold me accountable for it now. I’ve been wanting to get back into running and it just so happens he coaches track and cross-country running. He’s determined he can find a broken hipped asthmatic person a routine to get me back in shape to run again. And honestly, I’m excited! But that means I’m going to have to work running into my routine again, but here’s something else.

Working out, be it running, Martial Arts, Crossfit, even walking… Will also give you more energy. As long as you take care of your body and eat right, it will boost your energy levels. Just another thing to think about…

Anyway, I need to get off the computer…

Y’all have a goodnight now,

Jessica

 

Pregnancy Jokes

I’m going to put my opinion somewhere it probably isn’t wanted… But that’s ok.

Ever since the 1st of April, I’m watching three things happen.

  1. People are trying to raise awareness that playing fake pregnancy jokes isn’t funny.
  2. People are actually playing the jokes.
  3. People are losing their crap saying that people who are getting “offended” should “suck start a shotgun”

I love John Burk and I support him and everything he’s said until this point…

Here’s why… Women who “need” to bear children, it is their life. For those that are infertile and it’s their dream but can’t have a child, due to their monthly cycle, EVERY FLIPPING MONTH they get a new reminder, “Hey, you can’t have children.” Or each month they try to have hope that maybe this time, or if they are late for their period… Then it gets crushed each month…

For someone who succeeded in getting pregnant and their body rejected the baby or they gave birth to a stillborn, can you even begin to imagine the amount of grief that floods them when you fake a pregnancy? Something that was so dear to them, that you suddenly are making a joke of?

And maybe you aren’t making fun of them, and maybe people are reading into the joke… But when someone dies do you still have sensitivity about it? Yes…

Relate it to someone in your family committing suicide… If your child, spouse, friend, parent, sibling, whatever committed suicide, would you think it was “funny” if someone thought to make a joke out of the topic of suicide?

I may be coming off as extreme, but I’m also trying to get my point across, and to me the situation of suicide and death still fall into the same category as a miscarriage and a stillborn.

These people who are getting all in a tizzy over “We should be able to play pregnancy jokes without you (insert any string of profanities) getting offended by it.” Need to back off. I don’t like kids… I have a really hard time getting excited when someone announces to me they are pregnant… But I also have seen the trauma of a mother who has lost their unborn baby… I know the mental hardships of not being able to bear children and people telling me that I will never get married because men only want women who can have children… Does it bother me? No… I don’t even want my own kids… But it still hurts… for a moment… When that thought hits your head of, “No one is going to love me because I can’t have kids…” But then I come back to reality, and I’m going, “Who cares! Because I don’t! If I can’t have kids that only benefits me! Someone will love me and care enough about me that if I really can’t have kids, he’ll be ok with adopting later down the road when I’m ready to settle down.”

I know Mr. Burk said that we are all a bunch of liberal feminists and we are the reason society is going down the tubes, but I am neither feminist nor liberal… All I’m saying is watch who your joke affects. If you’ve got people you know won’t mind it, great! Go for it… But if you know it has the potential to reach someone who has lost their child, be careful… And understand you may not be aware because they didn’t want to tell anyone…

Just to put this in here, in case it gets back around, I mean Mr. Burk no disrespect, I think he’s an awesome person, and he has the guts to say what a lot of people need to hear. Shoot, he’s even put me in my place when it comes to my work ethic… I have the greatest respect for him. But I do think there needs to be just the slightest consideration with some things… In the same manner that he very strongly informs people who are overweight, but has understanding for people who are overweight due to a medical condition… This is the same thing… There’s a difference between the people who are getting offended for no reason, and the people who are speaking up because they know the hurt… They know the pain, and there’s nothing they can do to help it other than mental healing.

If someone has a death in the family, you don’t poke fun at a similar situation… If someone commits suicide, you don’t make light of a similar situation… If someone becomes pregnant, you don’t pretend to be pregnant and then make it into a joke… There are things you joke about, and things you don’t.

And do I think people who are infertile have the right to get offended by such a joke? No. But again, there’s a difference between offended and hurt.

The difference between the hurt and the offended is that the hurt will eventually get over a miscarriage, it won’t hurt them later in life, the offended will take someone else’s miscarriage and run with it. The hurt will speak up calmly and let it go, while the offended will shout it from the rooftops and refuse to let it go. The hurt are less likely to even say anything, while the offended will make sure you know.

I’m not sticking up for the offended, I’m sticking up for the ones that know the pain… The ones that have been through the heart ache…

It’s not only the infertile women who are affected… Don’t be so narrow minded… And there’s no need to be so quacky over a sensitive topic to some people…

But that’s just me and my opinions…

Once again, feel free to comment, but please take heed to the words of our dear friend Thumper, “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”

Have a good day y’all!

Jessica

13 Secrets of Massage Therapy

If you’ve been to a massage school, you are probably all too familiar with everything they feed you when you are considering going to school… That the average massage therapist easily makes upwards of $60,000 a year and that massage therapists are in high demand right now because people are starting to realize how valuable massage therapy is, and the best part is that you can set your own schedule, and work your own hours, you can be your own boss… And they make it sound so wonderful like you can work 4 days a week for 6 hours a day and be making all this money while helping yourself and other people!

As you get through school, no one really says anything until you hit business class… Where suddenly reality hits and your business teacher is blunter than you would like… Or at least if you have a business teacher like mine…

Then you start getting told in the last month and a half you are there, that most massage therapists are still working 8 hour days, they are working 5-6 days a week and probably working 2-3 jobs and it’s nearly impossible to make a living being self-employed. He tells you that most therapists who think they are going to start being self-employed eventually end up working for 1 or 2 establishments while trying to finagle their handful of clients that belong strictly to them.

You think to yourself, “Nah… That can’t be. Everyone makes it sound so easy!”

Well, I’m here to let you in on some of the dirty secrets…

  1. It is really hard to start your own business… You will likely want to consider working elsewhere, at least while you try to build your business…
  2. Working for others, doesn’t pay what it should… I’ve seen pay as low as $12 and I’ve seen pay as high as $30, and that’s only working per client and not counting the 45 minutes you spend folding sheets, which sounds AMAZING until you find they are only working you 3-8 hours a week even though they promised you more hours…
  3. If you are going to work for someone, be aware, they may say anything to get you on their “team.” My first job with a chiro, they told me that I would get payed for this or that, and then I would pretty much be walking into a full clientele because they had ALL these people and not enough hands… Well, all those people are choosing to wait 2-4 weeks for a massage by the other massage therapist and I’m going weeks without working AND not being payed to do things I was originally told I would get paid for… Which, isn’t the fault of the lady who hired me…
  4. You are probably going to have massage teachers that try to drill into you, only spa music, only dark rooms, don’t ever let your client move arms/legs/head themselves, don’t let them talk, don’t talk to them other than communication about the pressure, and never let your hands leave their body… It’s OK to let that stuff go… Sometimes a dark room and spa music isn’t someone cup of tea, sometimes it’s easier to move around and do things if you let your hands leave their body, sometimes it’s less stressful for the client to move their arm/leg/head and you are better off letting them do it, sometimes it’s best to talk to them, and sometimes it’s best to not talk at all… you just have to get a feel for your client… and figure out your mojo.
  5. Working in a dark room, sucks… Especially if you are tired… And if you are listening to that stupid “relaxing spa” music, it’s even worse… To say the least, don’t be surprised if you fall asleep while working on your client… If you do, don’t feel bad… You aren’t the only one… Word of advice, play it off like you lost your balance… And then, find some music that is a little more upbeat if you are allowed… If you aren’t allowed… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…
  6. The stupid “relaxing spa” music… Most people it actually drives them crazy… They want normal music… I got a lot of complaints, people asking to turn it off, asking if I had something else… Another tip, my clients have taken a liking to the “Piano Guys” I play their music for all my sessions, it doesn’t get boring, some of it is a little more upbeat, there’s no words but it gives them something “normal” and just so y’all know, I do refrain from playing their music that is “abnormal” or too upbeat… Like Cello Wars or the Cello Song…
  7. You are going to have crazy clients, and you are going to have boring clients, and you are going to have AWESOME clients… Me personally, I love a client who will hold a conversation, or goof off. Or someone who is totally interested in bodywork and wants me to teach them why massage works and what it does… OR… They are just a mess, and there’s so much to work on that you literally just don’t get bored… Then there are clients that don’t want to talk other than to say “that hurts” and “that feels good” they are boring… and then there’s crazy… We just won’t go into that.
  8. The more you know about anatomy and the fact that where the pain is, is only a symptom of a problem somewhere else, you’ll have a lot more success and people will think you work magic because you fix things without ever touching the spot that hurt.
  9. PEOPLE WILL CRY…. Just pretend to be sympathetic and hope they don’t catch on… I’m still learning to talk to people about pain…. DON’T ask them “how are you feeling?” It’s a dangerous question….
  10. Don’t be surprised if you find you have texture issues… I never thought I would have a problem with skin texture until I felt someone’s back and it felt like really coarse sandpaper… People that have real loose skin on the other hand are fun to play with… And some people, especially heavy set people… make farty sounds when you glide over certain areas of skin… it’s embarrassing as heck for myself, but inside it’s freaking hilarious!
  11. It’s hard on your hands… Nobody tells you this before you start school… So make sure you take care of your hands… I’ve been massaging for a year now, and my thumbs hurt like nobody’s business… It hurts to text, it hurts to hold a glass of water… it hurts to grip… But because massage therapy is so expansive, I’m going to learn new techniques that make it so I don’t have to use my hands as much!
  12. If you like humor and you like to keep things upbeat, look into chair massages… Especially for military! They are freaking hilarious! And just in general chair massage gigs are filled with a lot of banter between co-workers and friends! It’s so much fun! And it’s pretty decent pay…
  13. You will love your job! It may not pay the best at times, and it may be challenging, but it is one of the most rewarding jobs out there, it’s got amazing people, the work atmosphere’s are wonderful and you won’t get tired of it! So if you are considering working in the massage industry, be aware, it’s going to be tough, it’s going to be challenging, but it will pay off, because in the end, you’ve made a difference in someone’s day, whether you are their sanity at the end of a long work day, or because you made them feel that much better, or because you are the “safe” place for them to just let their guard down and chill, it always pays off, and then you feel better for making that persons day. So if you are considering massage as a career, DO IT! Go for it and see how far you can take it! You will LOVE it! And there’s not quite any other job like it! The thing is, whether you choose to be self-employed or work for someone else, it can be done, you just have to get out there and be aggressive, get yourself out there, beef up your resume, and you’ll succeed no matter which way you go!