A Father’s Role

Dad’s play such an important role in their child’s life.
One can spend years and years trying to get over it, and I thought I had. Until the last two years or so… The night I was driving down the road teary eyed because I just wanted a father. I want someone to connect with on that father daughter level…
Once you hit your late teens, you don’t get that anymore, because it becomes borderline inappropriate.
Life happens, people you thought you could trust at one time become strangers… They hate you… Yet you have to put on a façade because others can’t know how much you’ve come to detest that person… Always calling you stupid and complaining about the things you like, the things you believe, the lifestyle you choose to live… You know when they joke with friends or family about their “disrespectful and sarcastic” child, it’s really not a joke to them, they really feel that way… The moment you realize your safety is of no concern when it comes to them forcing you to do something, so what if it causes a midday hospital trip, at least they made their point, right?… When nothing you do is ever right… You’re afraid to go to them for help or questions because you might get your head ripped off…
And yet when you are around family you wonder if they notice a shift… from the playful banter of a newfound family to a relationship that has been tattered and torn to pieces… Yet you still pretend it is all ok. You listen to them talk about this “Special and wonderful” person who really, you wish would just disappear… Because he’s not that special and he’s definitely not wonderful… He’s a jerk and he’s mean and he’s careless. But we still pretend it’s all ok.
I don’t have a dad to do dad things with. I don’t have a dad to talk to. I don’t have a dad to be there when I need him.
And no matter how many times I tell myself I don’t need a dad… It’s a lie every time.
Out of the many father figures/male role models I tried to have, only one I was so mad at that I said he could die in a hole in hell.
But I’ve become far more bitter… far more angry… With people… with myself… with God…
Anyone I try to get close to leaves be it physically or emotionally. It sucks. Because it terrifies you when you think you want to let someone in, but you are so freaking tired of people saying they’ll never leave or they’ll always be there for you and you know they mean it with the best of intentions, but you just wish people would stop making promises they can’t keep. So you come to the point that you don’t trust… and you don’t let people close, or at least, you try not to…
It’s hard to become your own person living that kind of life… Because your confidence is broken, your self-esteem is broken… You get it into your brain that you can’t and your stupid and you’ll never be… And then you break… The anger lets loose, you become tired of faking it. You become fed up with just taking it.
I’m here to say this… If you have the determination, you have the grit and the hustle… And you’re not willing to let anyone dictate your future or your success. You’ll come out strong on the other side.
For those that struggle with that missing father, I don’t know that it will ever get better. You may always be jealous of those dads you see playing with their kiddos. I don’t know… And I’m not going to be the one to tell you it’s going to get better or easier… But I will say this… You don’t have to let it affect the rest of your life.
It takes a lot because now I’m speaking to myself too… But we aren’t broken. We aren’t missing anything. We don’t have to be angry and bitter to the people who we perceive have done us wrong. Me personally, I don’t know that forgiveness is on the to-do-list anytime soon… But I know I need to do it. If not for them, then for us. Forgiveness is an important part of the healing process, being unforgiving is simply wasted energy.
I’ve been lucky… I’m surrounded by a great group of colleagues and most of them are focus on over coming and learning to build yourself up. Changing the thought process and changing your life. They keep me present. They keep me knowing where my faults are so I don’t lose my mind completely… Because I aspire to be like them. The compassion and empathy they show… I WANT to be like that… They inspire me every day and give me little tiny actions to get me on track. One day… I will get there… We will get there…
To the dads… Don’t take your children for granted… Boys need their dads just as much as girls do… Time with the wife is extremely important… Work is tiring… Sometimes you’re hurting… Sleep is also important… But your children are only there for a time… They can grow up without you, or they can grow up with you… But either way they are only going to be there for so long. What you do now, shapes their emotions, habits, self-esteem and confidence later. Don’t let them think they are stupid, don’t let them think you hate them… Discipline is good. Spank them, ground them, give them a butt chewing… But don’t give them the silent treatment and decide you aren’t talking to them ever again, don’t only interact with them when they are in trouble. They need to know they can confide in you, especially girls… They need security. They need safety, even us gun wielding, badass MMA and Krav martial artists… We need to know we have safety, and if we don’t feel safe, you’re not going to be one we ask questions to or want to learn from, we’re not going to want to talk to you, tell you how our day went, tell you what we learned, tell you how school went or how this class went or how work went…
Give your children hugs, give them affection, play with them, talk to them… Teach them so that they not only grow up without feeling like there is a piece of them missing, but so that their children grow up without feeling rejected or unimportant. I know men aren’t “wired” for compassion and empathy… but it’s certainly helpful.
Anyway, I think that is all for now…
To Recap…
To the fatherless or motherless… We got this. Forgive, be determined, be the person you want to be, be confident, be happy, it will all work out eventually no matter how hard it is now.
To the dads… Do your job. Be a dad…
Y’all have a good night…
Jessica

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