With Every Drop

I had a momentary melt down the other night. Anyhow, I was playing Steven Curtis Chapman’s “Cinderella” on my guitar when I noticed there was a spot on the guitar that was holding a small puddle of tears. Tear drops on her dark guitar, kept coming to my mind, I got cleaned up and ready for bed when a brief overview of my struggles began to flood my mind. I sat down with my guitar and a pen and notebook and then was the beginning of my song.

No, it’s not perfect and I want to get a friend of mine who writes music to help me put it together better, however. “With Every Drop” became a story of my thoughts and struggles that flood me on a almost consistent basis. But it also is about my overcoming’s. It is written from my golden child looking into the broken child. My golden child is seeing all of the struggles but knows that the broken child can make it through. It’s about a girl who has lost herself and fears that she couldn’t be forgiven, much less loved, she has dreams and hopes and memories that will only serve to taunt her, dreams and hopes that will never be fulfilled.  She continually questions her worth, and wonders if her wounds can ever be mended. Some times she doesn’t see herself for who she is, she’s weak, she screws up, she can’t keep on any longer. 

And then…

And then she begins to understand with every tear drop, it tells a story, tells a story of her strength and her victories, with every drop there’s a beauty, for someone to be so vulnerable, there’s a beauty. All she wants is her pain to go away, her memories, her past, her mistakes, but with every drop, though it may not seem like it, she’s overcoming. After the golden child sees her strength she begins encouraging the broken child until the broken child begins to understand, she is strong, she is courageous, and even though she may lose it, she will overcome. 

No matter what your struggle is, you can reach a point at which you can be ok. Society beats us over the head and tells us that we can’t be weak, we can’t cry, especially guys. But reality is, some times, you have to be weak, you have to be vulnerable for you to overcome whatever you are going through. It took my youth leader months, to get me to accept the fact that it was ok for me to be weak or to cry. It wasn’t till he convinced me that if I had a problem I could talk about and ask for guidance. We are so stuck up with having to put on this front that is completely fake 100% of the time that we can’t accept a moment of weakness. Ya know, maybe if you could be weak for just a moment, make yourself vulnerable for just a moment, and with the RIGHT person, you’ll find that having a moment of weakness is ok because in the end you know you’ll overcome, you’ll be ok. Maybe in a situation like mine where your deepest desire is something that stems from your past and there is no possible way that that desire will every be met. But, there is healing to come, no matter what your situation. As long as you are actively looking for an answer you can overcome. I don’t care how much pain, how much guilt, how bad your past or present, or how much you question your very existence. You are always strong, even when you are weak.

Be strong, you are dearly loved.

Jessica

 

 

What You Learn From A Horse

I have started working with my mustang again. While I was talking to Jake, the person who is teaching us, he had mentioned that Fancy was troubled. It struck me as odd when I first heard that my mare was “troubled” but then I got to thinking that really, troubled is pretty on the spot with her. I have caused some issues in her world and her understanding and she is acting in the only way she knows how. There hasn’t been anyone to help her/us through it until we came across Jake. Anyway in the many months I’ve had Fancy the one vibe I have gotten from her is “Don’t give up on me. I want to try. I want to be good. But I don’t know how. Don’t give up on me.” So over the last year or so I have contemplated finding a home for her but I couldn’t settle myself on that decision, especially after I got to thinking about it more and realizing that if I tried rehoming her I would send her into the world unprepared and she would probably end up getting bought up by a kill buyer.
I was thinking over the weekend that I know I’m going through some crap and I hope that the people that are getting the brunt of my actions wont give up on me. It will take me some time but I’ll pull through, I always do. I’m not doing anything nearly as bad as pitching people on the ground like Fancy does but I have my issues. Anyhow with all this running through my mind I understood a little more how many people there are, kids, teens, even adults that act out in the only way they know how. I had several trainers tell me that I screwed this up, I screwed that up, but we are going to cowboy her up a bit and force her to get over herself, and if she doesn’t pull out of that she’s hopeless and you may just call it quits. When reality is all she needed was a soft hand and someone to understand her and help me understand her. That has happened to both Fancy and Chester and Sontari was just a mess. But how many people do we tell them that they need to just get over themselves and if they don’t meet our standards of happiness or whatever we just throw them to the side. Completely helpless maybe hoping that someone will “deal” with them. How many people we give up on because they don’t meet our standards fast enough.
Now don’t get me wrong I think there are some people who just don’t want to be helped and so they do need a bit of a firm hand. But even with horses some of them will just need a firm hand to help them understand they can’t behave that way.
But over all, how many people do we pass off as just being a pain and rebellious, or a trouble maker. When all they need is someone to understand them and help them through.
I think I can pretty much identify with my horse, she’s helping me understand myself and others better. She’s troubled, I will learn to understand her and between me, Jake, and mom we will help her through, I’m not giving up on her. On the same note I hope the people who get the brunt of my actions will understand that just as my horse is trouble so am I. I want to be better, I want to please, but they can’t give up on me.
And I have a better understand of all these people that are in this world who are broken and troubled and all they need is a gentle hand to guide them and someone to understand them and help them out.
And you know, I have a funny feeling that Fancy is going to be an AMAZING horse when we are through, just as Chester has turned out to be phenomenal, and Sontari is on her way.
Some of the horses with the worst problems make the best horses you’ll find. Those are the ones that will bond with you and be your best friend.
I’ve noticed the same with people, the people who have been through hell and back are some of the most amazing people. When you get to talking to them sometimes it makes you feel horrible because they went through worse than you did or are going through, and you aren’t handling it nearly as well. But on the other hand it is absolutely amazing listening to them talk because they went through all this crap and they are just completely amazing. My mom and dad being case in point. I don’t know all of his junk but I know enough, and I know most all of my mom’s childhood and it’s enough to make anyone cringe.
So yes, this is what my mare has taught me over the week.

God Bless,

Jessica