Desperation isn’t an attractive feature… Needy isn’t an attractive feature… I’ve maintained for a while that I would never need a man, but wanting a man would be something different. There’s a sort of insanity in this world when a man is willing to try to date woman who is allowing another man to pursue her… All because he “needs” that woman.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s sweet in its own weird way that he feels like he loves her enough to overlook it, but why torture yourself? Just on that alone, if a woman, or a man, doesn’t feel the same way about you, wouldn’t you at least owe it to yourself to find someone better? Find someone more capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved?
Some things can be fixed when they are broken, but emotions are a tricky thing. There’s a point for some, that once their emotions are decided, that is it. You can’t force someone to love you again, and even if they are willing to try to pretend, try to fake it till you make it kind of thing, if they aren’t happy is it a healthy relationship? Is it a healthy relationship when one is content because he or she has the spouse of their dreams, but they completely overlook the fact that their spouse isn’t happy. They don’t care if their spouse loves them, so long as their spouse is theirs.
There are people that are so willing to overlook cheating because they “need” that one person. There is a difference between genuinely coming to a mending over a significant other cheating, and being willing to say you forgive them and turn a blind eye to it because you don’t want to accept that they don’t love you.
I was accused of cheating, cheating because in my mind I decided I liked someone a week before I left the relationship… cheating because I told this someone I “had,” as in previously/no more, a boyfriend because I didn’t want him to lose interest because I had a boyfriend that I decided two weeks before I was walking away from… cheating because the night I decided I liked this someone, was mere hours before I knew I couldn’t hold off any longer this conversation that needed to take place that night.
But you see, I will admit, I do believe it was a form of cheating. To tell someone you don’t have a boyfriend when you do, is wrong. But on the same note, he cheated on me not once, but on a daily basis with his phone. His phone got more attention than myself, his phone was more important than myself, his facebook, his games, his news, his emails, his news again, his game… again… and then, I got tired of it. And really, it wasn’t the only reason, but on the chance that maybe he reads this. Maybe he won’t be so quick to tell people that I cheated first…
I am strong, but strict, there is little room for error with me, and any guy is going to find that as a challenge. But that is ok. Anything worth having is worth the work right?
The funny thing is, the one whom I dated is polar opposites of the one I am getting to know.
I’m a country girl through and through, I am a tomboy that will make other tomboys look like girly girls. My previous boyfriend, was wound up tighter than stretched barbwire, cussed more than I could handle, blew up over the smallest things, his phone was his life, I couldn’t wrestle with him, but he was a big outdoors person.
The one who is currently catching my attention doesn’t curse (told me the only time he curses is during a basketball game), is probably too laid back, leaves his phone in random places because he forgets about it, and is a complete city slicker pansy boy who’s afraid of everything except dogs and cats! But I actually feel more comfortable jacking around with him and I can actually wrestle with him. Like, he left a bruise on me because he actually picks back! And despite his pansy city side, he’s trying to explore my world, he’s willing to explore my world. Which is cool to me. And, he’s come to grips with the fact that I’m going to crack jokes with him about me being manlier than him.
Anyway, point being, there’s someone out there for everyone. Take it slow, get to know them, learn your pet peeves and what you are willing to tolerate. That was something I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I was willing to tolerate. I knew what I definitely was not tolerating, but had a list of things I thought I could tolerate till I started weeding them out.
So, I went into this whole dating idea that I would have one boyfriend and one only, we dated for a year and it didn’t work, and I am honestly very much ok with that. I learned a lot though, he taught me somethings that I would definitely notice were gone and would like to see them in potential boyfriends, but he also taught me a lot on what I wasn’t able to handle. And that’s ok too.
I know for being 22 and only having had one boyfriend, it’s not a rare occurrence, but if you are determined to only ever date one person, don’t marry the person because of that. Make sure you do genuinely love them and care for them. I don’t necessarily agree with “shopping around” and dating every guy you see, but dating more than one isn’t a bad thing either…
Anyhow, I’m not sure how well this all ties together, but, I think I’ve said my part.
God Bless,
Jessica
Self-Control, Offense and Forgiveness
There’s a difference between self-control and being walked on…
I know that it can be a very fine line at times. I struggle with that line myself, because sometimes finding that line is hard. Trying to gauge whether you are being a doormat or whether you actually using self-control and being respectful.
I guess it boils down to knowing when to stand up and voice your opinion and knowing when to step back and keep your mouth shut.
Blowing your lid over everything or even over smaller details and getting excessively angry because you refuse to be walked on may only escalate the situation and make it worse. Or choosing to dwell on it and allowing it to define your actions and the way you treat people.
But, I think… I think I’m seeing a little more of the aspect on maintaining self-control. When someone can talk about multiple bad incidents, not use a curse word and not let those past problems make them mad… Or the fact that from there they don’t stereotype and assume that because of a few bad run-in’s with a group of people mean they all must be that way.
The fact that they can get picked on, or in “trouble” and they can leave and be able to brush it off their shoulders…
Honestly, there’s usually a way to handle any situation without being disrespectful, without being rude or getting angry… Yeah, it may frustrate you, even make you fume a bit, but the difference is, do you let it affect your daily life? The way you treat people? Do you let it become an excuse for poor behavior?
I get not allowing people to walk on you, but it goes back to that theory that a calm word quiets a quarrel and a harsh word stirs up wrath… When we become so worried about not allowing ourselves to be walked on, or taken advantage of, there’s a point where we become so guarded, we can manage to find anything that is potentially an issue and making it a massive problem. Especially when it isn’t your own issue but you are taking it as an offense regardless.
We are all guilty of it to some degree or another, and to a degree that’s ok. But it’s what we continue doing with those situations. We’ve all taken a situation that wasn’t our own and gotten offended by it, angry, mad, frustrated, whatever you want to call it. But it’s our choice to continue doing it, and it’s our choice to begin putting an end to it.
I have a client who always tells me that he is a logical thinker and has no emotion because emotions get people into trouble… And honestly, I whole heartedly agree… Obviously, we need emotion, but if we could rule out emotions on certain situations and use logic, quit wearing our hearts on our sleeves and letting past situations affect current feelings, we might find, it would be easier to handle the offense as it comes.
Ted Dekker likes to refer to offense as waves, or troubled waters…
“Take a leap of faith and see that these troubled waters have no power over you unless you give it to them, and even then they lie.”
“The physical power of real love is staggering, because the real forgiveness is staggering.”
“Always remember you have been given the power to forgive any offense, and in so doing, remove it from your awareness as far as the east is from the west. True Vision is his gift, allowing you to see no blame; forgiveness is your truest purpose in the life. Seventy times seven, always leaving the old self in a watery grave and rising to find no fault. That’s grace…”
“I’m here to say that you can’t make the troubled waters of life go away by defending yourself against them. You can only walk over those troubled waters if you offer peace to them and leave the safety of your boat.”
“…It’s not the water that changes. It’s what you make of the water that changes. It’s finding no offense in the water that keeps you safe, because there’s nothing to be kept safe from when you are already safe…”
“Letting go is something you do, not just talk about. Talking about forgiveness changes nothing. Doing it changes everything, not just in you, but somehow in those around you. We are not healed alone.”
“Let go of your right to take offense at all that ever threatened you and all that threatens you still. Release the fear your understanding shows you in this storm. Turn even the other cheek.”
“And why does a man get angry? Because he feels threatened or wronged. And why does he feel threatened? Because he does not believe he is safe. Why? Because he is afraid of God,” (or in my own opinion does not have the knowledge of God,) “and so cannot trust him.”
Anyway, just some thoughts to chew on for this lovely Sunday afternoon…
God Bless,
Jessica
Time Management
Something’s been on my mind… Time management… Or prioritizing… either way, I suck at both…
I’ve struggled the last few years… It really started about 3 years ago I think. I was noticing I was too tired. I would get the things done that needed done, and then I was too tired to do anything else. It was part of why I dropped out of MMA last year. Why I wasn’t working with horses. Why family time started dwindling, and I felt like I was becoming a little more reclusive all around. Things started going undone, and I would stress over having things to do the following days. Working a 9-5 job 4-5 days a week scared me because I didn’t think I could do it.
But here’s the thing. I started finding problems and worked with a doctor to start eliminating health issues. My hormones were out of whack, so we are balancing that out and that is helping with my sleep, helping me feel rested when I do sleep, increasing energy levels (even before menses) and helping me manage my stress and appetite. Magnesium baths are helping me sleep, helping with muscle soreness and Restless Leg Syndrome and Asthma. We are working on building my red blood cell count, as I’m losing too much blood and not able to replenish my blood, and I’m on something else, that tastes horribly nasty, and I’m not quite sure the purpose of it, other than it helps relieve menses pain that isn’t touched by Tylenol and Ibeprophin combined, and it isn’t a pain killer. So I’m not being knocked on my but for two days strictly to pain.
So even with all that, we also think there’s probably a fungal infection which could also be causing the fatigue but we haven’t started treating that yet. However, with my energy levels rising and getting more restful sleep, I was finding I was still hesitant on working 5 days a week.
However, I took the dive and went for it. Got a third job to add to the hoof trimming and first massage job. What I am finding has actually surprised me. I’ve found that being cooped up in a dark room for 5-7 hours a day, is actually pushing me to spend more time outside. It affects my energy levels at work, because being in a dark room is still causing me to get sleepy, but it’s still doable… It’s not like back in December and January when I was dozing while working on my clients… However, even still I am finding once I am done working, there is a whole new energy that is almost renewed in me, it’s that energy that makes me want to drive home with my windows down and my music up and then the moment I get home spend 2-3 hours outside with the horses, and then I can come in and get some more things done.
I know everyone is in different situations, I guess my push is to say this. If you find you are having trouble getting things done, there may be underlying causes…
If not, go that extra mile! You might just surprise yourself and find you are more productive!
If not, don’t get discouraged, it’s trial and error, start looking at all areas of your life, where are you spending your time? Can you ditch facebook for an hour or two… or four? Can you wake up an hour earlier or go to bed an hour later? Can you plan your meals ahead of time so you don’t have to spend the extra time during the week? Can your potty breaks be shorter? Can your children help around the house more? Can you be a little less wound up and learn to enjoy things throughout the day?
It’s a matter of finding your groove, finding what kicks up the motivation.
I always love when people get burnt out about Mondays… I’ve been like this for forever… Mondays have NEVER bothered me. Not during school, not during college, not now that I’m working. Monday is simply another day that needs doing. Each day has tasks to be completed. People dread Mondays, and to a degree I understand why, but it’s a matter of the mind, yeah? If you set Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday up to be a bad day. It’s going to be a bad day! Get out of that mindset, understand it’s just another day, get up, and get it done!
If you want to get another job, get out and do it! If you don’t have time, find the time. If you can’t do, find a way. Get motivated, get pumped, if you have to listen to rock music at 4 a.m. while you’re driving to work DO IT!
Even still, I am cautious on adding things to my schedule, because I try to be very careful so I don’t burn myself out… because there is such a thing. I’m supposed to go running with a friend on Saturday at 7 a.m. before work at 9. I have a hard enough time getting up at 7:30 to be at work by 8:45. But, we are going to try it. I have someone to hold me accountable for it now. I’ve been wanting to get back into running and it just so happens he coaches track and cross-country running. He’s determined he can find a broken hipped asthmatic person a routine to get me back in shape to run again. And honestly, I’m excited! But that means I’m going to have to work running into my routine again, but here’s something else.
Working out, be it running, Martial Arts, Crossfit, even walking… Will also give you more energy. As long as you take care of your body and eat right, it will boost your energy levels. Just another thing to think about…
Anyway, I need to get off the computer…
Y’all have a goodnight now,
Jessica
Pregnancy Jokes
I’m going to put my opinion somewhere it probably isn’t wanted… But that’s ok.
Ever since the 1st of April, I’m watching three things happen.
- People are trying to raise awareness that playing fake pregnancy jokes isn’t funny.
- People are actually playing the jokes.
- People are losing their crap saying that people who are getting “offended” should “suck start a shotgun”
I love John Burk and I support him and everything he’s said until this point…
Here’s why… Women who “need” to bear children, it is their life. For those that are infertile and it’s their dream but can’t have a child, due to their monthly cycle, EVERY FLIPPING MONTH they get a new reminder, “Hey, you can’t have children.” Or each month they try to have hope that maybe this time, or if they are late for their period… Then it gets crushed each month…
For someone who succeeded in getting pregnant and their body rejected the baby or they gave birth to a stillborn, can you even begin to imagine the amount of grief that floods them when you fake a pregnancy? Something that was so dear to them, that you suddenly are making a joke of?
And maybe you aren’t making fun of them, and maybe people are reading into the joke… But when someone dies do you still have sensitivity about it? Yes…
Relate it to someone in your family committing suicide… If your child, spouse, friend, parent, sibling, whatever committed suicide, would you think it was “funny” if someone thought to make a joke out of the topic of suicide?
I may be coming off as extreme, but I’m also trying to get my point across, and to me the situation of suicide and death still fall into the same category as a miscarriage and a stillborn.
These people who are getting all in a tizzy over “We should be able to play pregnancy jokes without you (insert any string of profanities) getting offended by it.” Need to back off. I don’t like kids… I have a really hard time getting excited when someone announces to me they are pregnant… But I also have seen the trauma of a mother who has lost their unborn baby… I know the mental hardships of not being able to bear children and people telling me that I will never get married because men only want women who can have children… Does it bother me? No… I don’t even want my own kids… But it still hurts… for a moment… When that thought hits your head of, “No one is going to love me because I can’t have kids…” But then I come back to reality, and I’m going, “Who cares! Because I don’t! If I can’t have kids that only benefits me! Someone will love me and care enough about me that if I really can’t have kids, he’ll be ok with adopting later down the road when I’m ready to settle down.”
I know Mr. Burk said that we are all a bunch of liberal feminists and we are the reason society is going down the tubes, but I am neither feminist nor liberal… All I’m saying is watch who your joke affects. If you’ve got people you know won’t mind it, great! Go for it… But if you know it has the potential to reach someone who has lost their child, be careful… And understand you may not be aware because they didn’t want to tell anyone…
Just to put this in here, in case it gets back around, I mean Mr. Burk no disrespect, I think he’s an awesome person, and he has the guts to say what a lot of people need to hear. Shoot, he’s even put me in my place when it comes to my work ethic… I have the greatest respect for him. But I do think there needs to be just the slightest consideration with some things… In the same manner that he very strongly informs people who are overweight, but has understanding for people who are overweight due to a medical condition… This is the same thing… There’s a difference between the people who are getting offended for no reason, and the people who are speaking up because they know the hurt… They know the pain, and there’s nothing they can do to help it other than mental healing.
If someone has a death in the family, you don’t poke fun at a similar situation… If someone commits suicide, you don’t make light of a similar situation… If someone becomes pregnant, you don’t pretend to be pregnant and then make it into a joke… There are things you joke about, and things you don’t.
And do I think people who are infertile have the right to get offended by such a joke? No. But again, there’s a difference between offended and hurt.
The difference between the hurt and the offended is that the hurt will eventually get over a miscarriage, it won’t hurt them later in life, the offended will take someone else’s miscarriage and run with it. The hurt will speak up calmly and let it go, while the offended will shout it from the rooftops and refuse to let it go. The hurt are less likely to even say anything, while the offended will make sure you know.
I’m not sticking up for the offended, I’m sticking up for the ones that know the pain… The ones that have been through the heart ache…
It’s not only the infertile women who are affected… Don’t be so narrow minded… And there’s no need to be so quacky over a sensitive topic to some people…
But that’s just me and my opinions…
Once again, feel free to comment, but please take heed to the words of our dear friend Thumper, “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”
Have a good day y’all!
Jessica
13 Secrets of Massage Therapy
If you’ve been to a massage school, you are probably all too familiar with everything they feed you when you are considering going to school… That the average massage therapist easily makes upwards of $60,000 a year and that massage therapists are in high demand right now because people are starting to realize how valuable massage therapy is, and the best part is that you can set your own schedule, and work your own hours, you can be your own boss… And they make it sound so wonderful like you can work 4 days a week for 6 hours a day and be making all this money while helping yourself and other people!
As you get through school, no one really says anything until you hit business class… Where suddenly reality hits and your business teacher is blunter than you would like… Or at least if you have a business teacher like mine…
Then you start getting told in the last month and a half you are there, that most massage therapists are still working 8 hour days, they are working 5-6 days a week and probably working 2-3 jobs and it’s nearly impossible to make a living being self-employed. He tells you that most therapists who think they are going to start being self-employed eventually end up working for 1 or 2 establishments while trying to finagle their handful of clients that belong strictly to them.
You think to yourself, “Nah… That can’t be. Everyone makes it sound so easy!”
Well, I’m here to let you in on some of the dirty secrets…
- It is really hard to start your own business… You will likely want to consider working elsewhere, at least while you try to build your business…
- Working for others, doesn’t pay what it should… I’ve seen pay as low as $12 and I’ve seen pay as high as $30, and that’s only working per client and not counting the 45 minutes you spend folding sheets, which sounds AMAZING until you find they are only working you 3-8 hours a week even though they promised you more hours…
- If you are going to work for someone, be aware, they may say anything to get you on their “team.” My first job with a chiro, they told me that I would get payed for this or that, and then I would pretty much be walking into a full clientele because they had ALL these people and not enough hands… Well, all those people are choosing to wait 2-4 weeks for a massage by the other massage therapist and I’m going weeks without working AND not being payed to do things I was originally told I would get paid for… Which, isn’t the fault of the lady who hired me…
- You are probably going to have massage teachers that try to drill into you, only spa music, only dark rooms, don’t ever let your client move arms/legs/head themselves, don’t let them talk, don’t talk to them other than communication about the pressure, and never let your hands leave their body… It’s OK to let that stuff go… Sometimes a dark room and spa music isn’t someone cup of tea, sometimes it’s easier to move around and do things if you let your hands leave their body, sometimes it’s less stressful for the client to move their arm/leg/head and you are better off letting them do it, sometimes it’s best to talk to them, and sometimes it’s best to not talk at all… you just have to get a feel for your client… and figure out your mojo.
- Working in a dark room, sucks… Especially if you are tired… And if you are listening to that stupid “relaxing spa” music, it’s even worse… To say the least, don’t be surprised if you fall asleep while working on your client… If you do, don’t feel bad… You aren’t the only one… Word of advice, play it off like you lost your balance… And then, find some music that is a little more upbeat if you are allowed… If you aren’t allowed… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…
- The stupid “relaxing spa” music… Most people it actually drives them crazy… They want normal music… I got a lot of complaints, people asking to turn it off, asking if I had something else… Another tip, my clients have taken a liking to the “Piano Guys” I play their music for all my sessions, it doesn’t get boring, some of it is a little more upbeat, there’s no words but it gives them something “normal” and just so y’all know, I do refrain from playing their music that is “abnormal” or too upbeat… Like Cello Wars or the Cello Song…
- You are going to have crazy clients, and you are going to have boring clients, and you are going to have AWESOME clients… Me personally, I love a client who will hold a conversation, or goof off. Or someone who is totally interested in bodywork and wants me to teach them why massage works and what it does… OR… They are just a mess, and there’s so much to work on that you literally just don’t get bored… Then there are clients that don’t want to talk other than to say “that hurts” and “that feels good” they are boring… and then there’s crazy… We just won’t go into that.
- The more you know about anatomy and the fact that where the pain is, is only a symptom of a problem somewhere else, you’ll have a lot more success and people will think you work magic because you fix things without ever touching the spot that hurt.
- PEOPLE WILL CRY…. Just pretend to be sympathetic and hope they don’t catch on… I’m still learning to talk to people about pain…. DON’T ask them “how are you feeling?” It’s a dangerous question….
- Don’t be surprised if you find you have texture issues… I never thought I would have a problem with skin texture until I felt someone’s back and it felt like really coarse sandpaper… People that have real loose skin on the other hand are fun to play with… And some people, especially heavy set people… make farty sounds when you glide over certain areas of skin… it’s embarrassing as heck for myself, but inside it’s freaking hilarious!
- It’s hard on your hands… Nobody tells you this before you start school… So make sure you take care of your hands… I’ve been massaging for a year now, and my thumbs hurt like nobody’s business… It hurts to text, it hurts to hold a glass of water… it hurts to grip… But because massage therapy is so expansive, I’m going to learn new techniques that make it so I don’t have to use my hands as much!
- If you like humor and you like to keep things upbeat, look into chair massages… Especially for military! They are freaking hilarious! And just in general chair massage gigs are filled with a lot of banter between co-workers and friends! It’s so much fun! And it’s pretty decent pay…
- You will love your job! It may not pay the best at times, and it may be challenging, but it is one of the most rewarding jobs out there, it’s got amazing people, the work atmosphere’s are wonderful and you won’t get tired of it! So if you are considering working in the massage industry, be aware, it’s going to be tough, it’s going to be challenging, but it will pay off, because in the end, you’ve made a difference in someone’s day, whether you are their sanity at the end of a long work day, or because you made them feel that much better, or because you are the “safe” place for them to just let their guard down and chill, it always pays off, and then you feel better for making that persons day. So if you are considering massage as a career, DO IT! Go for it and see how far you can take it! You will LOVE it! And there’s not quite any other job like it! The thing is, whether you choose to be self-employed or work for someone else, it can be done, you just have to get out there and be aggressive, get yourself out there, beef up your resume, and you’ll succeed no matter which way you go!
Technology
I know I wrote on technology and relationships recently but I’ve noticed something else over the past month or so.
Not only do we as people feel like we have to compete for attention with our loved ones and they’re phones…
But if you watch our pets they too ask us to put down our phones. My pup has recently started this thing where if I’m on my phone and not giving her attention she stares at me. If I don’t respond she grabs her ball and brings it to me and then stares at me again.
I watch our other dogs go from one person to the next because people are playing on their phones and not giving the dog any attention…
It’s sad to me when even my dog is having to ask me to get off the phone… I’ve started paying better attention to my pup. If she approaches I try to put my phone down for her. She gets her full of me and then she’ll lay down and go to sleep and then I can go back to doing what I was doing.
But in general this goes back to we as people need to spend less time on our phones… it burdens relationships, causes loved ones to feel rejected and unimportant… it obviously even causes our animals grief when they ask to spend time with us and we choose our phones over them. But we do this with people all the time! It’s sad…
We need to get our noses detached from our phones and out of these technological prisons and enjoy life. Enjoy our pets and the people we love. Once again, nothing is going to blow up over social media if you don’t spend all day on it. This world will however pass away.
Enjoy it.
God bless,
Jessica
Sin
So the past couple weeks, I’ve been being drawn to scripture in Proverbs. Most specifically the first few chapters dealing in “Wisdom” and “Warning Against Adultery.”
I’ve been mulling it over, unable to figure out why these scriptures have been jumping out at me… I’ve analyzed the scriptures breaking them down trying to find out if and why they would/could apply to me.
Wisdom is wisdom, there really wasn’t any question for me there as of to why I have been drawn to those scriptures. I’m moving to a new chapter in my life, with work, finances, a boyfriend, looking to try and expand my wings a little bit more… I need wisdom. Using wisdom is going to help me get through life successfully and in the way God is directing me. Wisdom will help me discern what is and isn’t God’s will for me. She will help me figure out how to decipher between what is right and what is wrong for me.
But the scriptures that were really just throwing me off was why I was being drawn to the scripture on adultery. One night, I was re-reading one of the chapters for the third time and something finally hit me.
“This sounds familiar…” As you read through the scripture… ‘for the lips of the adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword, her feet go down to death…’ ‘keep to a path far from her… Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?… Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute with crafty intent… I have covered my bed with colored linens… I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. Come, lets drink deep of love till morning… My husband is not at home… All at once he followed her like an ox going to slaughter… little knowing it will cost him his life… Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths…’
Now, if we know how sin works, we will see a pattern… Sin can look good, it can look harmless, it can even make it seem like “Well… it wouldn’t be ok under these conditions, but since this is like this, it’s ok now…” We are instructed to keep far from sin, be wise, be honest, be diligent and seek God. Because we can very easily get caught up in sin and it has the potential to swallow us up if we are not careful and stay away from it. Sin can look satisfying, it can dress itself up like there’s no other option. But to walk with integrity we must be honest in everything we do.
That means not stealing, whether we are stealing on what we think is an “I need” basis, or whether we are stealing because “So and so doesn’t know, and I’ve done this that or the other so I deserve this.”
Lying, whether we are lying to get us a better cut of something (which in all honesty can be ranked there with stealing), or lying to save your own butt…
Any work that isn’t honest, adultery, sex out of wedlock, disobedience, becoming drunk or high, even using perverse language and so on…
I’m not passing judgement just so we are clear, I’m simply pointing out what seems good, what seems like it isn’t a big deal, even looks appealing at times… Because that is what sin does.
Some steal because they think it is “owed” to them.
We lie to save our butts.
We have sex out of wedlock because “we plan to get married”
We disobey because “well, we wanted to do it.”
We become drunk/high to get rid of our problems in life.
We commit adultery because “Our husband/wife isn’t treating us right.”
We become abusive be it verbally or physically because we want to gain control.
We curse because it makes us sound “more mature” or because everyone else does it and we choose not to control our own tongues…
There’s “benefits” to sin or so we think, and it’s time to recognize the “seductive” ways of sin and steer clear of its path. Reality is, to stay honest, to walk with integrity and finish the days off knowing that we are in the right, so that there is no guilt to come in the future, we must learn to seek wisdom and keep self-control.
Scriptures can be found all through Proverbs but the main scriptures spoken of here are Proverbs 1-8.
God Bless,
Jessica
Things That Shouldn’t Be Talked About?
Ok… Another pet peeve here…
I see articles all too often “5 things you should NEVER tell your partner” “7 Hard Conversations You Should Never Have” Stupid crap like that… You want to know my 2 cents on it? It’s going to be blunt, it’s going to be honest… But it’s my thoughts and sarcasm nonetheless…
- If you are comparing your partners body to someone else in a sexual manner, the thought shouldn’t be dwelt on and needs to be trashed anyway. You may consider you aren’t with the right boyfriend/girlfriend if you are jealous of the way another person looks. You should love everything about their body!
- If you are telling your boyfriend that you want to make babies with someone else THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU AND YOU NEED YOUR HEAD EXAMINED! And again, probably aren’t with the right person.
- Your partner should be able to give you their honest opinion. Period. In a gentle manner depending on the subject, but still… Honest… If you can’t give an honest opinion, you probably AREN’T WITH THE RIGHT PERSON!
- If you can’t tell them that you don’t like a shirt he’s wearing or the shoes she’s wearing… What else can y’all not talk about? I mean come on… if you can’t be honest about clothing… I hate to say it, but you probably aren’t with the right person…
- If you are reminiscing over past sexual fantasies with your last boyfriend/girlfriend… WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT THING YOU CALL A BRAIN?! *Sigh* You aren’t ready for a relationship yet… Or you need to get over yourself… Sorry…
- Negative comments about friends or family… Gentle… That’s all I have to say… But again, if their mother is being a wench or their father is being a jerk, or their friend is a pervert, SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE! And if no one is willing to take care of it, you… Can we guess? Yep! May not be with the right person!
- If you see something inappropriate on their phone? Seriously? What crack are we smoking? If the girlfriend or boyfriend is looking at half-dressed men or women, or there’s a sketchy conversation going on HECK YEAH something needs to be said… Or punched… Or dumped on the curb… But seriously, if you can’t trust your partner enough to not feel the need to go through their phone, there’s an issue anyway AND you definitely need to find a new partner…
- Arguments you don’t see eye to eye on… Really? Sounds like they got brought up anyway… So there’s an agree to disagree policy that plays in there, conversation was already done had, as long as it was resolved your fine… If y’all can bring it up civilly and accept differences that’s for y’all to decide… If you can’t, and you can’t agree to disagree… There may be a bigger problem… I’m not going to say you AREN’T with the right person… But you might do some serious looking at what’s going on…
- Bragging on cheating on your exes… Yes… Because THAT builds trust… if you are bragging on that, you shouldn’t even be in a relationship and your partner needs to run for the hills and leave you on a deserted corner… somewhere in the desert… without water… or food… So yeah… I think they very well should know so they can make arrangements…
- You think your partners friend is “sexy,” really? No, another conversation that should be had, so they are aware and then you need to deal with that… Now, some relationships can handle it… But if not, you need to be honest with your partner so that he/she knows and can find the best way to help you deal with your crazy…
- If you can’t share concern for your partners weight there’s also a problem… If they are gaining weight, or losing weight (becoming underweight) it should be ok for it to be noticed… picked on? Maybe… depends again on the relationship. But otherwise a gentle notice of weight change shouldn’t be a problem…
- Their spending habits?! ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?! NO! THAT’S IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT!!!! ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE FRIVOLOUS SPENDERS!!!! *sigh* why…. All I ask is why? No, you guys need to figure out how much the two of you can spend on yourself and only spend that amount. Otherwise one of y’all is going to waste away all the money that the other is earning… And that’s just Dumb….
- Ok… Asking uncomfortable questions… Yes. You should be able to ask uncomfortable questions, but the particular article it is coming from is talking about questions like “did you have better sex with your last exe.” Kind of questions in which case, if it’s a confidence thing that is driving you to ask that, the other persons response should be something to the effect of “The only sex I want is yours.” Or something completely honest, but not giving them that answer, simply because that is a very touchy subject and a HUGE confidence killer for people if you answer that as a yes… If it’s not then great! By all means, tell them they’ve got the best sex in the world! So should those topics be asked? Maybe, maybe not… if they do come up, I hope your partner knows how to answer a sensitive question like that.
- Stupid… This is part of what causes CHEATING! You CRAZIES! WHY would you NOT tell your partner that you have feelings for someone else?!?!?! You just gonna go sleep with them and not tell your partner about that too?! NOW I go back to you need to pack your dumb butt up and leave your partner so he/she can find someone better. Actually, that was a little mean… Seriously though, if on the off chance you develop feelings for someone else, that is OK, just be honest with your partner and tell them rather than stringing them along… Let them live life. Not every relationship was meant to work out.
- Hypothetically talking of breaking up? What…? My brain isn’t computing… Why?? If you are thinking and talking like that, you probably aren’t ready for a relationship… or are in the wrong relationship…
Ok… So the gist is, if you can’t talk to your partner, you either aren’t ready for a relationship or are with the wrong person, you’re a dumb butt, you need to add a dash of humor and less butt hurttedness….
But please! I invite you to share your thoughts on why these topics should or shouldn’t be talked about with your partner… I would love to hear it! And I promise, if you advocate for not talking about them, I’ll be nice…
I’ve always felt like your partner should know everything… Somethings may need to be rigged in an honest manner to avoid hurt feelings especially if one partner is trying to compare themselves to others… But otherwise, honesty is always the key…
God Bless,
Jessica
Bidding for Connection
It was brought to my attention that the average couple makes up to and over 100 bids for connection.
I began watching these bids… Kind of keeping track of how I react to the way my own bids are responded to, seeing how responsive I am to other people’s bids. It’s interesting to say the least.
A bid is anything done to ask for connection, whether it is positive or negative attention, whether you expect it to get answered or not…
Positive: Walking through the store, a stranger looks at you, you accept their bid for attention by smiling back which in return could make them smile back.
Negative: Walking through a store, a stranger looks at you, you see them and you glare at them, or you blow up over it, “Why were they looking at you in the first place?”
Passive: Walking through a store, a stranger looks at you, you see them yet, choose to continue walking and not acknowledge their bid.
Now, I use three, Positive (turning towards), Negative (turning against) and Passively (turning away) for a reason. Some people only view it as two saying that passive is considered negative and others say passive and negative are different due to reactions of the bidder. Because some people feel negative attention is better than no attention…
Positive bids are words, questions, gestures, looks, and physical contact.
And a positive response is simply engaging them, acknowledging the contact, accepting the invitation to start a conversation and so on…
Negative responses can be Belligerent responses, contradicting and disparaging responses, domineering responses, critical responses (blaming/judging), defensive responses.
Passive responses can be noncommittal, preoccupied (ignoring), disregarding, or interrupting and changing the subject.
- Here’s the thing, a bid can literally be anything:
- Someone looks at you
- makes a sound i.e. clearing their throat, a “hmm,” sighing, etc.
- tries to start a conversation like, “Look at this,” or “You wouldn’t believe the day I had.”
- makes physical contact with you, touches your knee, or your shoulder…
- I’ve noticed with myself a bid can be as much as me talking to myself or an animal trying to get the other person to take interest
Dr. Gottman ran a study involving many newlyweds in which he followed for 6 years. Many who stayed together and many who did not. The ones that stayed together turned towards their spouses bid 86% of the time, while the remaining couples who divorced only turned towards their spouses bids 33% of the time.
Some studies have gone as far to show that negative and passive responses cause depression… Which I myself can approve considering it doesn’t feel good to feel rejected for an electronic… It can cause some serious “What’s wrong with me” questions…
I can say after living with a man who was glued to his phone or the computer or the TV 24/7 and wouldn’t acknowledge you unless you did something to really set him off, it SUCKS dealing with people who ignore you and respond in a negative way… I’ve never been one to like any type of negative attention so I’ve never purposely done anything to attract such…
But I also lived with my mom who for a while got really bad about burying her nose into her phone, she would want me to come spend time with her and out her phone would come… So when I quit hanging out with her she asked why and I explained it to her and she started putting her phone down. Even when she would sit on her phone, I RARELY ever pulled my phone out. Most of the time I left my phone in the house while we sat outside because I never wanted it to be my fault that she wasn’t getting to spend time with me.
Even now, I would confidently challenge anyone who knows me to say how often they’ve seen me on my phone, Excluding times that WE were looking something up for the other person to look at be it pictures or information.
One of my uncles posted an article this morning on how “phubbing” is killing relationships and I did not realize there was a term for it, but apparently it is when the other person is choosing their phone over you…
It really is sad the society we live in today, I was reading a blog post by a lady who was a teacher and she was assisting in grading papers, the assignment for the lot of 3rd graders, if I recall correctly, was a paper to finish “I wish.” This teacher picked up a paper and read it and the child was talking about how he wishes he was an iPhone because his parents would spend more time with him, and they would love him more and he could make them happier…
My own sisters would come home from their dads on the weekends and complain that all he did was sit and play candy crush instead of spending time with them.
Me myself, I am all too familiar with the phone being more important than myself. Whether it’s true or not, that’s how it feels, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with someone about a topic that shouldn’t be funny and they burst out laughing, you ask them why they are laughing and they start raving on something they saw on their phone. So mid conversation you drop the conversation, there’s no, “what were you saying,” not even so much as to acknowledge you were speaking… They didn’t even notice you quit talking… Which means whatever you were saying in the first place wasn’t important to them.
Or when you are having a two way conversation and they pull out their phone…
Or when you have a two way conversation and the next thing you know they just quit responding period…
The article that my uncle posted, they said it perfectly when they said the person who choose their phone over their spouse is retreating from their spouse… Doesn’t matter who you are in my opinion, be it an acquaintance, friend, client, family member or spouse, it’s rude and it makes the other person feel like they aren’t good enough to deserve your undivided attention, it makes them feel like they are trying to escape you without actually leaving your presence.
Sometimes I don’t mind it, if I don’t have anything to say and they don’t have anything to say, whatever… But if someone is trying to have a conversation, have some respect… It’s a courtesy thing.
Sitting at the dinner table, hanging out with friends, really, anything that is requiring one to be social. I don’t even get on my phone if I’m sitting waiting on someone because I don’t want to come off as being preoccupied to the people around me.
It all comes back to giving thought to how the person or people around feel when one is on the phone.
To me, it’s rude to be in company of others and be on your phone. That’s just simple etiquette.
If someone is trying to spend time with you, respect that time, cherish it, don’t waste it away on your phone because as with what happened with my mom and myself, they’ll stop wanting to be around you.
If you fall a little behind on your emails, or miss a few facebook updates, it’s not the end of the world. It will still be there when it’s all said and done. You aren’t going to miss anything that’s life or death. A person on the other hand, could die tomorrow. Human life is so fragile, it can be taken in an instant. How would you feel if someone tried to spend time with you but you were so glued to your phone that you didn’t really spend time with them and then they left and got into a fatal car accident? Would you have wished that you put the phone down? Or stepped away from the computer? Your electronics are there still waiting for you, uncaring of the loss in your life. They remain the same, unchanged except for new emails or status updates or tweets or whatever…
When it comes to spending time with someone, whether it’s family or friends, it’s quality over quantity…
At least generally…
Back to the original point of the article before I got off on this one particular tangent, even so much as only giving someone the leftovers, one fills their day with things-to-do and then you get left at the end of the day wondering why they couldn’t make time to give you some quality time… and the majority of responses given to your bids are passive because they are tired and not feeling talkative so you get the last 20 minutes of passive/preoccupied conversation.
Those are probably the biggest killers with passive and negative responses, electronics and someone running themselves ragged. Because they get preoccupied and get snappy because you interrupt them, or they just ignore you, or they are tired and don’t want to be bothered.
So those of us that try not to create negative responses just shrink back to the shadows giving up on offering bids to connect, to get attention…
I challenge you to start keeping track of people’s bids… Including your own. As well as responses. It’s an interesting thing for sure.
Now, before I go off onto any more pet peeves I will bid you farewell…
God Bless,
Jessica
Friends – Part 2
Friends
In the same way that you cling to the need for protection from enemies (even though they cannot hurt the son or daughter of the Father in His realm of sovereign power), you also cling to the need for significance and affection from friends. This need is rooted in the fear of loss, which isn’t true love. There is no fear in love.
There is perhaps nothing more damaging than fear of loss masquerading as love. Such “love” only enables fear while true love remains hiding.
How can you love your husband or wife when you need them to be a certain way in order to feel secure? If they don’t offer the security or honor you think you deserve from them, you feel wounded. Wounding is what you fear.
Then the one you loved becomes a monster in your house and you feel compelled to either “help” them change (to fulfill your desire for honor and security), or you feel compelled to protect yourself from them – because they’ve become your enemy.
This doesn’t mean you must subject yourself to the physical abuse of another – if necessary remove your hand from that fire. But do so in love, not fear or condemnation.
Truly, most of what we call love is a little more than addictive clinging. The affection of another person makes us feel good about ourselves, much like a drug that comforts and makes us feel secure. When that person fails us, we get angry at the one we thought we loved.
To call your addictive clinging love is an error. As Yeshua made plain, the true measure of love is how well you love someone when they dishonor you, not when the demonstrate love to you. True love is not provoked now keeps any record of wrongs, as Paul made so clear. There is no fear of loss in love, because love doesn’t seek its own needs.
This is why Yeshua insists that you must hold of no account your neediness in all of your closest relationships. Hear Him: If you do not hate (hold of no account) father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters – even your own life – you cannot be my disciple.
Some have said that Yeshua means we should love God more than we love others, but these aren’t His words. Indeed, sanitizing His words only strips the power from His teaching. He uses the strongest possible terms without comparison – that is, “to hold of no account,” which is the meaning of hate.
Think about any romantic relationship you’ve had or have. Isn’t it true that your partner holds you to account? They expect you to be a certain way in order to satisfy their desire for honor, completion, or significance. As long as their expectations are met and you “love” or honor them as the wish to be “loved” and honored, they are pleased. They have their drug and their addiction is satiated.
But if you fail to meet your partner’s expectations in some way, they feel dissatisfied or unappreciated or let down. At times you will surely feel like enemies to each other.
The same is true of your own expectations of them.
Why do you feel so wounded when your partner fails you? Because you have placed your hope in them and they have let you down. You have inadvertently turned them into a god, thinking your relationship with them will save you. When they then fail to meet your expectation s, your identity is crushed. You feel lost, abandoned, unloved.
You see, you are searching for your meaning and your identity in a relationship by holding the closest to you to account. And you are calling this love. Yeshua says no. This is not what it means to follow the Way of love in Him.
Rather, love them by holding them of no account (hate) and by expecting nothing in return. By turning the other cheek in your heart rather than resisting them, just as you would an enemy. By loving them, even if they persecute you. And if you must, remove yourself from the situation just like you would remove your hand from the fire. But do so in love, without condemnation or holding record of wrong. The love you find in yourself by following these teachings of Yeshua will stagger you.
Your partner does not define you in the least. You only share a part of this life with that person, and you do so as the son or daughter of God whose identity is firmly rooted in Yeshua alone.
So then, be who you are. Love yourself and your neighbor and your enemy and your children and your partner in this way.
Love your friends, for you are now friend of Yeshua, your elder brother, in whom your identity is now made certain.
Imagine being accepted and truly loved exactly as you are at all times by your partner or friends, no matter what you do or don’t do. Now imagine your acceptance of them in the same way and focus on this latter state of being.
In such an ideal manifestation of love through the power of the Holy Spirit, no matter what they did, you would look at them without blame, feeling unprovoked and keep no record of wrong. What love you would then offer your partner, yourself and the world. How invulnerable you would be, in the world but not of it.
You would hold no record of wrong when they broke their promise to you, in the same way your Father holds no account of your wrong when you, like the prodigal, turn from Him so many times each day.
You would not be annoyed by them. You would not secretly wish they looked different, or were more appreciative, or were more honoring of you or made more money. You would simply love them, seeing beyond your need for them to be or not be a certain way.
And that is the end of part 2 to my writing from Ted Dekker….
It’s a hard thing… It really is. Especially if you are so use to being let down. Little things that wouldn’t bother most people bother you because there’s so much fear built up into you and even when you think you have it under control and you think you’ve dealt with it, it still creeps us and the flesh begins screaming at us telling us “Remember!” or “It should be this way!” and when we listen, it drives us into a place we cannot turn back from. We are stuck until we find a way out and all the while doubts begin to flood our minds and lies start to plague us and then we seek help and the help is good, but it only causes turmoil in our minds because we argue with ourselves because we then fear we are trying to reason out of what we are afraid of and make it not so, but then we fear if we reason out of it, it is only going to cause more damage. More fear. More hurt and heartache… And it sucks… It sucks being stuck in that position. I know.
But if we can learn to hold someone of no account little things won’t disturb us so and we’ll see more clearly. But we must not let the flesh sway us. We must trust in our identity in Yeshua. And no I’m not the best at this. I struggle with it. Not near as bad as I use to. But it’s still a struggle. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I can hold friends of no account or if it’s because my past hurt has wrecked me… Maybe a little bit of both?
Anyway, y’all have a Fantastic Christmas and I’ll write to you soon!
God Bless,
Jessica
imforhim 