It’s YOUR story

You know, I don’t understand people some days…

I found out that an old friend of mine, is pregnant… She’s like 19 or 20… And has had more boyfriends than I can count…

About a year or so ago, I knew another young lady who was 17 when she got pregnant if I remember correctly… Also having more boyfriends than I can count…

Neither are married…

Another young lady I knew, married at 19, child at 20…

I know that being single sucks sometimes… You start hitting 19 and 20 and suddenly your group of friends gets smaller because everyone is working and trying to make a life, and getting married and having children and suddenly you find yourself the odd one out because you have no one to do anything with… And as it should be family takes priority and bills are important to pay…

You start getting shafted by your best friend because she will only freaking talk to you after she dumps her boyfriend or gets dumped… You’ve known her for 18 years and you still get the cold shoulder when she gets a boyfriend… -_-

So it leaves one learning to be happy by themselves… It can be a lonely road to travel when you have no one to talk to, and when you find someone who is willing to give you attention you feel kind of deprived…

But seriously, your value, your future and your life are SO much more important than being stuck as a single mom at 19… Being stuck as a single mom at 22… Do something with your life, don’t wrap yourself up in boyfriends or being so set on needing to have an established family by 25… YOU have SO MUCH potential whether you think you do or not and as bad as it might sound, being tied down at 19 or 20 isn’t it. You are still so young with so much life and ability in front of you, go live life till your 25 THEN look at starting a family… because as a teenager and even in your 20’s there’s so much growing and changing left to do… 20’s is still the time you’re figuring out how to “adult”. And that’s OK… I promise…

Now, I do understand on some occasions that someone gets lucky and they marry at 18 and 35 years later you are inspiring people and still as happy as you were the day you got married… And I LOVE it! I do!

But those cases are so far and few between… Kids these days (yes, anyone under 28 is still a kid…) are in such a hurry to get married… It’s ridiculous…

When I told my ex that I was done with our relationship the first words out of his mouth were, “I’m 27 years old, I was supposed to be living in my own house, married and having children by now!”

WHO SAYS?! So what if the rest of your friends are tied down, because trust me! Having kids before you’re ready SUCKS. I’ve known a handful of people who regret getting married, regret having had kids at the age they did… I watched a lady who broke down in tears at our dentist’s office because the receptionist asked how her day was going and she started bawling saying that she found out she was pregnant with twins and she hates kids…

And some that know me would tell me I don’t understand because I have absolutely no desire to have my own children…

But it’s not that I don’t understand… I would rather see people I care about living life and wishing they had their little bundles of joys earlier in life, over regretting they had their child and not doing anything with their life… Because children are a huge responsibility and once you end up with more than one or two, they are very consuming… shoot… one is consuming enough…

The thing is, when you can learn to be happy by yourself… when you learn to accept yourself without needing approval by a boy, or a girl (can’t forget about you guys…). You’ll attract a much better potential spouse… There’s a theory running around, and I forget who or where I heard it, but if you grow to be the best you can, and be the kind of person you yourself would want to marry, is the person you will eventually attract.

A little bit of patience goes a long way… Don’t jump in bed with the first boy or girl that flirts with you… Don’t be set on marrying that ONE person…

I wanted to have one boyfriend and one husband… I refuse to have sex before marriage, I refuse to let anyone push me into such…

If you love me enough, you’ll be my friend first… If you love me enough, you will respect my boundaries… If you love me enough you will wait for me, you won’t cheat on me because I’m making you wait a minimum of two years before we get married…

I may not have the best self-esteem, but I know how I want to be treated. And by golly I’m dang stubborn…

I am 22 years old, and have had one boyfriend… nothing more, nothing less… I spend my days working, studying, learning, now traveling to learn, spending time with family, working on my horses, and bettering myself… And right now, until I am ready to settle down, I have no interest in delving into a relationship…

There was a time I was hoping to be close to being able to adopt my first child at 25 or 28… But I’m ok with that not happening. If it doesn’t happen till I’m in my late 30’s, I’m ok with that… Even in my 40’s… I don’t care… I know I have a purpose in life, and right now, it’s not to have a family…

Anyway, again, I feel like I’m kind of all over the board here, feeling like I’m rambling… But to break it down, all that to say this…

Live life. Don’t be too quick to make life altering decisions. It’s your life, no one else’s and you deserve to live it to the fullest.

Patience is key, and don’t get caught up in the heat of the moment… It may seem right, you may feel like you’re on cloud nine and everything is hunky dory… But even the best things can be horrible for you…

But sometimes, the best things really are the best things… And it’s wonderful and grand… And I can guarantee you, the best things aren’t going to fall into your lap. You need to hustle, you need to grind, you need to give it everything you have…

I recently had an opportunity that did actually fall into my lap. Actually, I think it chased me down and tackled me… But it fell into my lap because of my background of everything I’ve accomplished this year… Because of my passion and desire to help and give and learn… And even though he knows I got fired from my job because I wouldn’t comply and do what I was told… He knows WHY I wouldn’t comply, because I wasn’t willing to throw away my foundation, my morals, or my integrity in order to appease my boss… He loves it. Because he agrees and I think it only confirmed that he wants me on his team.

Anyone can go anywhere in their life… We’re all stories in the end… Just make it a good one.

Make it yours, no matter how hard you have to work… Eat crap for however many years so you can live the life you want later. Push through, don’t give up. You’ve got this.

Now, keep your head screwed on straight and go hustle…

Jessica

 

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Dating is a Learning Curve

I know this is public… And obviously not every situation has to be shared through this. But I did this so that I could learn and so that people can hopefully learn from my mistakes…
I dated my first boyfriend for a year. That was a rough one, I invested so much emotionally, physically and mentally, when I realized things weren’t going to work, I struggled to end the relationship. I tried twice in March to tell him I was done, I half way tried again at the end of March. Telling him that I needed to be done, but didn’t tell him I WANTED to be done.
I didn’t want to hurt him. He is far more sensitive than me and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Then I realized that hanging onto him was only hurting both of us more. It was hurting me more because it was adding to my stress, I found that every other night I was venting about something. And him, he was trying to find ways to relocate so he could be 4 hours closer putting him only 30 minutes away from me so we could actually see each other.
I got tired of skipping things I wanted to do because I was trying to spend time with him because I knew if I didn’t take that time, I wouldn’t get to talk to him. Our evenings were screwed up… My family is busy getting kids ready for bed, getting everyone showered and ready for the next day. So after dinner at 6:30-10 I’m doing absolutely nothing. About 10:00 pm mom wants to spend time with me till she goes to bed.
My ex-boyfriend on the other hand wanted to watch movies from 6:30-10 and would get huffy because I would go talk to mom and by the time I got him called back, he was already in bed. OR I would choose to talk to him over spending time with mom, and he would sit on his phone the whole time. Making me regret not going and talking with mom.
He took me to a military ball back in November and I never told anyone because I was ashamed of the fact that he did this to me and I still stayed with him, once his buddies left, he spent the last hour and a half on his phone. So I sat there watching everyone else talk while he played on fb. On top of that, he was supposed to pay for half of my plane ticket up there. He told me he would pay for my dress and the hotel… Then he tells me that he paid for one dinner for me, my mom and my two sisters, and paid for the tickets for the ball for myself and him so felt we were even… I had spent well over $500… Which, I was relying on halving at least $300 back.
To begin listing problems I was having, his cursing had gotten too much. I don’t curse so it eventually wears on your ears when the smallest mishap causes a string of curse words. He would lose a game on his phone and you would hear “You Mother F’ing, son of a f’ing B****, you F’ing F’er,” and I would ask him if that was really necessary and he’d answer back with a short tempered yes.
He was obsessive over the fact that he would always carry a gun around my mom’s husband because he wanted to have the upper hand if her husband did something he didn’t approve of. He told me on multiple occasions that he would shoot her husband if he felt like it was necessary.
He hated both of my parents, regardless of the fact that they were nice to him despite the fact that they did not approve of him. But rather than trying to get to know them, he chose to avoid them in every way possible.
When it came to his temper, he couldn’t handle owning it and controlling it. It was always “well so and so made me angry.” “Only you can let them make you angry.” “No. They made me get angry.” He could own up his mistakes in a heartbeat when it came to me. Which was something that pulled me closer to him. But when it came to his temper as long as it wasn’t me, it was everyone else that made him angry. Or it was his anxiety, apparently his anxiety causes him to have a hot temper too…
Due to respect for him, there were some pretty major things that supposedly played into his anxiety that I cannot publicly say, but I didn’t see those things… I feel like they should have been more obvious, but it took me talking to other people within the army for me to start seeing that the things my ex-boyfriend was telling me weren’t adding up.
Then you start reaching the smaller stuff, like, I do MMA for a reason, I LOVE to roughhouse and pick some sort of play fight. He wouldn’t. In fact, he would get upset if I tried to roughhouse with him. I kept trying to tell him I wasn’t a delicate flower and I don’t get hurt easily but he never would. Or that his sense of humor was wrapped up in Chauvinistic jokes. Whether he actually believed it or not, I can’t say I know for sure, but I was concerned that it would be a matter of time before he decided to transfer that mindset to me if that’s what he liked to joke about and then blame the army for it. He decided that I would need to do the majority of coming to see him because it was more important for him to blow his money on things he wanted to do so he couldn’t afford to come see me. But heaven forbid I didn’t have the money to see him because I have classes I need to pay for… And thus, he would get mad when I wouldn’t take off work because I was/am dead set on getting the classes paid for. He just wasn’t a happy person in general… He wasn’t happy with his life, he wasn’t happy with himself, he carried around his past and put in on a pedestal and coddled it using it to “Ok” how he handled situations and how no one was EVER going to disrespect him.
Anyway, I’m going to give that a break and say this, he was sweet to me. He was amazing, he opened all the doors for me, he paid for all of our “dates” and even when he would ask for help on something more expensive he would still usually pay for it. He had the ability to be very kind hearted and selfless, but I had gotten to the point with everything else, I couldn’t do it. He definitely showed me things to look for in a future husband, but also showed me a lot of things I thought I could handle, but can’t.
When I realized I had developed feelings for someone else, I knew something had to be done fast because I wasn’t going to be the girl who cheated. So two weeks into trying to grow a backbone and tell him I was done, I was getting my timeline out. Saturday I figured out I was done and knew I was done. I didn’t want to tell him that day because he had to work the next morning and if I told him, he wouldn’t sleep that night and then he’d be at work miserable the next day. His schedule was one day on, one day off, so he had Monday off, but between me not wanting to talk to him and him being “busy”, we really didn’t even talk Monday. He worked Tuesday which meant he had Wednesday off. However Tuesday was when I knew I was in trouble because I actually liked this other guy that I work with. So that nailed Tuesday night as the best day. He got off work at 10:30 pm and called me because I missed his phone call on his break while hanging out with this other guy at work, and he had off Wednesday, that gave him Tuesday night and Wednesday to recoup before work on Thursday.
So now that that is over, I’ve heard from him a handful of times, he wanted to tell me that he was willing to change, which was all things I heard before. And that he loved me and he was wrong. But rather than allowing that to pull me in for a 4th time, I called him out and moved on. He later called again, to let me know that even though I am essentially dating, that he and I could still make the relationship work. And he called me again later to let me know he changed his mind, that I’m too immature for a relationship, that I don’t deserve the success he’s going to achieve and that if I had worked as hard as he did for the relationship that we could have made things work. Here again, I called BS and we got off the phone. After that I finally decided I was removing all forms of contact with him. For both his sanity and mine.
I had to reason it out. I cared too much about how he felt and so it took me reasoning why it was bad for him, for me to keep holding onto him. Ultimately he wouldn’t be happy, and if he was happy that I wasn’t happy in the relationship that just brought up a whole new load of problems. I wasn’t going to wait around to figure that out. Or, with the fact that I got to the point I avoided telling people I was dating because if they were interested, I didn’t want to squash that hope, knowing that if anyone took me up on it I would either have to tell my ex or cheat on him… Well, finally someone finally took me up on it asked for my number, asked to go meet up. Luckily for me I had already determined how and when, so it all just happened simultaneously. Naturally he got mad when he found out I was already going out to dinner with a “friend” and I got the lecture about it being too soon and having no time to heal. The problem was that mentally, I was done with the relationship in February. I had come to the grips with the fact that I was done. And I’m one of those people who are kind of emotionally separated anyway. If I decide someone isn’t worth my time, I can walk away without batting an eye. Like with this, I feel bad for him, but I’m enjoying life and after I broke up with him, he was kind enough to show me just how crazy he is which only made sure I knew I made the right choice.
I have a guy momentarily who is trying really hard to be only a friend, but is failing miserably… He’s so funny, because he’s such a boy that it’s actually ridiculously cute… He’s that teenage boy that reaches up to stretch and tries to put his arm around you without you noticing… Except he does it in different ways. Like, sitting on the other side of a bench, he fidgets enough that he works his way so he’s leaned up against me or he grabs a hold of me in play and lets his head “accidentally” fall into my lap… He’s just a dork and I love that about him… He reminds me a lot of my mom’s husband which is something that intrigues me about him… and he’s a complete polar opposite of my ex. He calls me, he texts me, he picks me up from home, or picks me up from work, takes me to the lake to eat dinner… It’s not at all what I’m used to. When he sees me, he leaves his phone in the car or in another room. We can roughhouse and when I tell him he bruised me he laughs and tells me I deserved it… Which, as backwards as it may sound to people who don’t wrestle, I love it! But, he seems to be leaning towards moving away for a job. So we are just supposed to be maintaining a friend status till he decides what he wants to do.
It’s funny though because my parents dropped by his apartment for a surprise visit and he took it in stride, wasn’t expecting it, ran around his apartment “cleaning” which consisted of pushing in a chair, taking his clean laundry out of the living area and into his room, taking his pillow that was on the couch (he was sick) and putting that into his room while he muttered about his immaculate apartment being a wreck… He’s a neat freak… But he did, and afterwards we had an almost 20 minute conversation about how much he liked my parents…
Where my ex, would have lost his crap and would have been going about how dare they drop by like that and not give any warning and probably threatening to shoot them if they ever did it again.
Here’s the thing. Even if this guy does move. I will not at all regret any decisions I have made. Because he gave me needed motivation to leaving a bad relationship and he taught me that there are guys out there who have what I need. He’s also helped me see that city slickers may not be so bad after all, especially when they are willing to explore your world too… And he does, he takes an interest in my MMA and he’s trying to muster up the guts to see the horses… But he’s also the first person to tell you he’s a little Pansy and he needs to man up.
My only regret will be if he decides to move and then I will be legitimately sad. Because I have already allowed myself to get close to him and he’s down now, doing an in person interview for this company… So yeah, I’m feeling a little pouty already.
But, if he moves, I’ll get over myself pretty quick like and know that though this guy is 100 times better than my ex, there’s someone who’s going to be even better than the guy I’m liking now.
And I’m not putting all this out there to publicly bad mouth my ex… I’m putting it out there because all that crap I mentioned, I didn’t see till 7 months into the relationship and then realized there “might” be some issues… Then 10 months in I realized these things couldn’t be ignored, finally the 12th month we had two and a half breakups, each time he pulled me in saying he would change, he screwed up, he’s sorry, give him another chance, and I would allow him to drag me back in.
Don’t do it. If they want to change they will change. They won’t feed you some BS excuse like, “You had to tell me.” Or “Guys don’t take hints.” Because one thing I will say, is there’s guys who joke about not being able to take hints… But I know a few who do even though they won’t admit to it. Because I’ve seen how they treat their wife, or me, or other women. Obviously you can’t be stupid with it, any person deserves to be told, but when it’s something obvious like, your boyfriend is ignoring you and playing on their phone and you tell them that it drives you nuts when people are on their phones while someone is trying to talk to them… That’s a pretty obvious hint…
I think a second chance is fair, after being outright told there’s an issue and this is what it is. That way it gives them an opportunity to fix it, but at this point, I would like to hope that I wouldn’t allow myself to get pulled back in by some sweet talking boy who knows how to play their words.
If a guy or girl cares about you, you’ll know it. You won’t have to play this game of we’re done, I’m sorry, I love you, we’re back together. Every relationship is going to have issues yes… But it shouldn’t be every little thing causing issues, and you definitely should never feel like you aren’t a priority… when friends, or hunting, or fishing, or a flipping phone takes priority over you, there’s a problem.
So, now that I’ve written y’all a 4 page book, I’m going to see if I can go through here and cut some things out to make it shorter… wait… that put it at 5 pages… I got it down to 4 pages… but I cheated and made the margins smaller….
Anyway,
God Bless,
Good Luck,
Jessica

Attraction, Dating and Relationships

Desperation isn’t an attractive feature… Needy isn’t an attractive feature… I’ve maintained for a while that I would never need a man, but wanting a man would be something different. There’s a sort of insanity in this world when a man is willing to try to date woman who is allowing another man to pursue her… All because he “needs” that woman.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s sweet in its own weird way that he feels like he loves her enough to overlook it, but why torture yourself? Just on that alone, if a woman, or a man, doesn’t feel the same way about you, wouldn’t you at least owe it to yourself to find someone better? Find someone more capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved?
Some things can be fixed when they are broken, but emotions are a tricky thing. There’s a point for some, that once their emotions are decided, that is it. You can’t force someone to love you again, and even if they are willing to try to pretend, try to fake it till you make it kind of thing, if they aren’t happy is it a healthy relationship? Is it a healthy relationship when one is content because he or she has the spouse of their dreams, but they completely overlook the fact that their spouse isn’t happy. They don’t care if their spouse loves them, so long as their spouse is theirs.
There are people that are so willing to overlook cheating because they “need” that one person. There is a difference between genuinely coming to a mending over a significant other cheating, and being willing to say you forgive them and turn a blind eye to it because you don’t want to accept that they don’t love you.
I was accused of cheating, cheating because in my mind I decided I liked someone a week before I left the relationship… cheating because I told this someone I “had,” as in previously/no more, a boyfriend because I didn’t want him to lose interest because I had a boyfriend that I decided two weeks before I was walking away from… cheating because the night I decided I liked this someone, was mere hours before I knew I couldn’t hold off any longer this conversation that needed to take place that night.
But you see, I will admit, I do believe it was a form of cheating. To tell someone you don’t have a boyfriend when you do, is wrong. But on the same note, he cheated on me not once, but on a daily basis with his phone. His phone got more attention than myself, his phone was more important than myself, his facebook, his games, his news, his emails, his news again, his game… again… and then, I got tired of it. And really, it wasn’t the only reason, but on the chance that maybe he reads this. Maybe he won’t be so quick to tell people that I cheated first…
I am strong, but strict, there is little room for error with me, and any guy is going to find that as a challenge. But that is ok. Anything worth having is worth the work right?
The funny thing is, the one whom I dated is polar opposites of the one I am getting to know.
I’m a country girl through and through, I am a tomboy that will make other tomboys look like girly girls. My previous boyfriend, was wound up tighter than stretched barbwire, cussed more than I could handle, blew up over the smallest things, his phone was his life, I couldn’t wrestle with him, but he was a big outdoors person.
The one who is currently catching my attention doesn’t curse (told me the only time he curses is during a basketball game), is probably too laid back, leaves his phone in random places because he forgets about it, and is a complete city slicker pansy boy who’s afraid of everything except dogs and cats! But I actually feel more comfortable jacking around with him and I can actually wrestle with him. Like, he left a bruise on me because he actually picks back! And despite his pansy city side, he’s trying to explore my world, he’s willing to explore my world. Which is cool to me. And, he’s come to grips with the fact that I’m going to crack jokes with him about me being manlier than him.
Anyway, point being, there’s someone out there for everyone. Take it slow, get to know them, learn your pet peeves and what you are willing to tolerate. That was something I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I was willing to tolerate. I knew what I definitely was not tolerating, but had a list of things I thought I could tolerate till I started weeding them out.
So, I went into this whole dating idea that I would have one boyfriend and one only, we dated for a year and it didn’t work, and I am honestly very much ok with that. I learned a lot though, he taught me somethings that I would definitely notice were gone and would like to see them in potential boyfriends, but he also taught me a lot on what I wasn’t able to handle. And that’s ok too.
I know for being 22 and only having had one boyfriend, it’s not a rare occurrence, but if you are determined to only ever date one person, don’t marry the person because of that. Make sure you do genuinely love them and care for them. I don’t necessarily agree with “shopping around” and dating every guy you see, but dating more than one isn’t a bad thing either…
Anyhow, I’m not sure how well this all ties together, but, I think I’ve said my part.
God Bless,
Jessica

Things That Shouldn’t Be Talked About?

Ok… Another pet peeve here…

I see articles all too often “5 things you should NEVER tell your partner” “7 Hard Conversations You Should Never Have” Stupid crap like that… You want to know my 2 cents on it? It’s going to be blunt, it’s going to be honest… But it’s my thoughts and sarcasm nonetheless…

  1. If you are comparing your partners body to someone else in a sexual manner, the thought shouldn’t be dwelt on and needs to be trashed anyway. You may consider you aren’t with the right boyfriend/girlfriend if you are jealous of the way another person looks. You should love everything about their body!
  2. If you are telling your boyfriend that you want to make babies with someone else THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU AND YOU NEED YOUR HEAD EXAMINED! And again, probably aren’t with the right person.
  3. Your partner should be able to give you their honest opinion. Period. In a gentle manner depending on the subject, but still… Honest… If you can’t give an honest opinion, you probably AREN’T WITH THE RIGHT PERSON!
  4. If you can’t tell them that you don’t like a shirt he’s wearing or the shoes she’s wearing… What else can y’all not talk about? I mean come on… if you can’t be honest about clothing… I hate to say it, but you probably aren’t with the right person…
  5. If you are reminiscing over past sexual fantasies with your last boyfriend/girlfriend… WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT THING YOU CALL A BRAIN?! *Sigh* You aren’t ready for a relationship yet… Or you need to get over yourself… Sorry…
  6. Negative comments about friends or family… Gentle… That’s all I have to say… But again, if their mother is being a wench or their father is being a jerk, or their friend is a pervert, SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE! And if no one is willing to take care of it, you… Can we guess? Yep! May not be with the right person!
  7. If you see something inappropriate on their phone? Seriously? What crack are we smoking? If the girlfriend or boyfriend is looking at half-dressed men or women, or there’s a sketchy conversation going on HECK YEAH something needs to be said… Or punched… Or dumped on the curb… But seriously, if you can’t trust your partner enough to not feel the need to go through their phone, there’s an issue anyway AND you definitely need to find a new partner…
  8. Arguments you don’t see eye to eye on… Really? Sounds like they got brought up anyway… So there’s an agree to disagree policy that plays in there, conversation was already done had, as long as it was resolved your fine… If y’all can bring it up civilly and accept differences that’s for y’all to decide… If you can’t, and you can’t agree to disagree… There may be a bigger problem… I’m not going to say you AREN’T with the right person… But you might do some serious looking at what’s going on…
  9. Bragging on cheating on your exes… Yes… Because THAT builds trust… if you are bragging on that, you shouldn’t even be in a relationship and your partner needs to run for the hills and leave you on a deserted corner… somewhere in the desert… without water… or food… So yeah… I think they very well should know so they can make arrangements…
  10. You think your partners friend is “sexy,” really? No, another conversation that should be had, so they are aware and then you need to deal with that… Now, some relationships can handle it… But if not, you need to be honest with your partner so that he/she knows and can find the best way to help you deal with your crazy…
  11. If you can’t share concern for your partners weight there’s also a problem… If they are gaining weight, or losing weight (becoming underweight) it should be ok for it to be noticed… picked on? Maybe… depends again on the relationship. But otherwise a gentle notice of weight change shouldn’t be a problem…
  12. Their spending habits?! ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?! NO! THAT’S IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT!!!! ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE FRIVOLOUS SPENDERS!!!! *sigh* why…. All I ask is why? No, you guys need to figure out how much the two of you can spend on yourself and only spend that amount. Otherwise one of y’all is going to waste away all the money that the other is earning… And that’s just Dumb….
  13. Ok… Asking uncomfortable questions… Yes. You should be able to ask uncomfortable questions, but the particular article it is coming from is talking about questions like “did you have better sex with your last exe.” Kind of questions in which case, if it’s a confidence thing that is driving you to ask that, the other persons response should be something to the effect of “The only sex I want is yours.” Or something completely honest, but not giving them that answer, simply because that is a very touchy subject and a HUGE confidence killer for people if you answer that as a yes… If it’s not then great! By all means, tell them they’ve got the best sex in the world! So should those topics be asked? Maybe, maybe not… if they do come up, I hope your partner knows how to answer a sensitive question like that.
  14. Stupid… This is part of what causes CHEATING! You CRAZIES! WHY would you NOT tell your partner that you have feelings for someone else?!?!?! You just gonna go sleep with them and not tell your partner about that too?! NOW I go back to you need to pack your dumb butt up and leave your partner so he/she can find someone better. Actually, that was a little mean… Seriously though, if on the off chance you develop feelings for someone else, that is OK, just be honest with your partner and tell them rather than stringing them along… Let them live life. Not every relationship was meant to work out.
  15. Hypothetically talking of breaking up? What…? My brain isn’t computing… Why?? If you are thinking and talking like that, you probably aren’t ready for a relationship… or are in the wrong relationship…

 

Ok… So the gist is, if you can’t talk to your partner, you either aren’t ready for a relationship or are with the wrong person, you’re a dumb butt, you need to add a dash of humor and less butt hurttedness….

But please! I invite you to share your thoughts on why these topics should or shouldn’t be talked about with your partner… I would love to hear it! And I promise, if you advocate for not talking about them, I’ll be nice…

I’ve always felt like your partner should know everything… Somethings may need to be rigged in an honest manner to avoid hurt feelings especially if one partner is trying to compare themselves to others… But otherwise, honesty is always the key…

God Bless,

Jessica

Friends – Part 2

Friends

In the same way that you cling to the need for protection from enemies (even though they cannot hurt the son or daughter of the Father in His realm of sovereign power), you also cling to the need for significance and affection from friends. This need is rooted in the fear of loss, which isn’t true love. There is no fear in love.

There is perhaps nothing more damaging than fear of loss masquerading as love. Such “love” only enables fear while true love remains hiding.

How can you love your husband or wife when you need them to be a certain way in order to feel secure? If they don’t offer the security or honor you think you deserve from them, you feel wounded. Wounding is what you fear.

Then the one you loved becomes a monster in your house and you feel compelled to either “help” them change (to fulfill your desire for honor and security), or you feel compelled to protect yourself from them – because they’ve become your enemy.

This doesn’t mean you must subject yourself to the physical abuse of another – if necessary remove your hand from that fire. But do so in love, not fear or condemnation.

Truly, most of what we call love is a little more than addictive clinging. The affection of another person makes us feel good about ourselves, much like a drug that comforts and makes us feel secure. When that person fails us, we get angry at the one we thought we loved.

To call your addictive clinging love is an error. As Yeshua made plain, the true measure of love is how well you love someone when they dishonor you, not when the demonstrate love to you. True love is not provoked now keeps any record of wrongs, as Paul made so clear. There is no fear of loss in love, because love doesn’t seek its own needs.

This is why Yeshua insists that you must hold of no account your neediness in all of your closest relationships. Hear Him: If you do not hate (hold of no account) father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters – even your own life – you cannot be my disciple.

Some have said that Yeshua means we should love God more than we love others, but these aren’t His words. Indeed, sanitizing His words only strips the power from His teaching. He uses the strongest possible terms without comparison – that is, “to hold of no account,” which is the meaning of hate.

Think about any romantic relationship you’ve had or have. Isn’t it true that your partner holds you to account? They expect you to be a certain way in order to satisfy their desire for honor, completion, or significance. As long as their expectations are met and you “love” or honor them as the wish to be “loved” and honored, they are pleased. They have their drug and their addiction is satiated.

But if you fail to meet your partner’s expectations in some way, they feel dissatisfied or unappreciated or let down. At times you will surely feel like enemies to each other.

The same is true of your own expectations of them.

Why do you feel so wounded when your partner fails you? Because you have placed your hope in them and they have let you down. You have inadvertently turned them into a god, thinking your relationship with them will save you. When they then fail to meet your expectation s, your identity is crushed. You feel lost, abandoned, unloved.

You see, you are searching for your meaning and your identity in a relationship by holding the closest to you to account. And you are calling this love. Yeshua says no. This is not what it means to follow the Way of love in Him.

Rather, love them by holding them of no account (hate) and by expecting nothing in return. By turning the other cheek in your heart rather than resisting them, just as you would an enemy. By loving them, even if they persecute you. And if you must, remove yourself from the situation just like you would remove your hand from the fire. But do so in love, without condemnation or holding record of wrong. The love you find in yourself by following these teachings of Yeshua will stagger you.

Your partner does not define you in the least. You only share a part of this life with that person, and you do so as the son or daughter of God whose identity is firmly rooted in Yeshua alone.

So then, be who you are. Love yourself and your neighbor and your enemy and your children and your partner in this way.

Love your friends, for you are now friend of Yeshua, your elder brother, in whom your identity is now made certain.

Imagine being accepted and truly loved exactly as you are at all times by your partner or friends, no matter what you do or don’t do. Now imagine your acceptance of them in the same way and focus on this latter state of being.

In such an ideal manifestation of love through the power of the Holy Spirit, no matter what they did, you would look at them without blame, feeling unprovoked and keep no record of wrong. What love you would then offer your partner, yourself and the world. How invulnerable you would be, in the world but not of it.

You would hold no record of wrong when they broke their promise to you, in the same way your Father holds no account of your wrong when you, like the prodigal, turn from Him so many times each day.

You would not be annoyed by them. You would not secretly wish they looked different, or were more appreciative, or were more honoring of you or made more money. You would simply love them, seeing beyond your need for them to be or not be a certain way.

And that is the end of part 2 to my writing from Ted Dekker….

It’s a hard thing… It really is. Especially if you are so use to being let down. Little things that wouldn’t bother most people bother you because there’s so much fear built up into you and even when you think you have it under control and you think you’ve dealt with it, it still creeps us and the flesh begins screaming at us telling us “Remember!” or “It should be this way!” and when we listen, it drives us into a place we cannot turn back from. We are stuck until we find a way out and all the while doubts begin to flood our minds and lies start to plague us and then we seek help and the help is good, but it only causes turmoil in our minds because we argue with ourselves because we then fear we are trying to reason out of what we are afraid of and make it not so, but then we fear if we reason out of it, it is only going to cause more damage. More fear. More hurt and heartache… And it sucks… It sucks being stuck in that position. I know.

But if we can learn to hold someone of no account little things won’t disturb us so and we’ll see more clearly. But we must not let the flesh sway us. We must trust in our identity in Yeshua. And no I’m not the best at this. I struggle with it. Not near as bad as I use to. But it’s still a struggle. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I can hold friends of no account or if it’s because my past hurt has wrecked me… Maybe a little bit of both?

Anyway, y’all have a Fantastic Christmas and I’ll write to you soon!

God Bless,

Jessica

 

My Soldier

Ask me why I love my boyfriend and I’ll tell you this…

He knows how to treat a lady, he opens my doors, he doesn’t let me walk on the side that traffic flows, if we are in a crowded place he keeps contact with me so that he doesn’t lose me, if we come across a person who concerns him he keeps himself between me and that person, he never touches me in a way that is inappropriate or makes me uncomfortable, he is soft spoken, goofy, loyal, tender, and knows when to be serious, he knows how to apologize and own his crap way better than I probably ever will unless he starts to rub off on me, he’s caring and tender and he listens, he listens to what I have to say and I don’t have to worry about him helping me keep a conversation going, he’s a great teacher, he’s patient, encouraging, he has yet to make me feel stupid, he realizes my independence and embraces it (at least so far), he realizes my fears, concerns and worries and has a crazy way of calming them and working around them without getting frustrated by them, he’s my ray of sun on gloomy crummy days and the eye within a hurricane… He wants to help me accomplish my dreams and he wants to see me rise and be the best that I can be, he wants me to work if I want to, not because I have to. He cares enough about me that he’s sacrificing having his own children because I don’t want to get pregnant and would rather adopt, he’s got a walk with God, and he thoroughly enjoys the horses, my safety and my happiness are priority for him.

If you asked me before I met him if I would date a member of the armed forces or a first responder, I would have told you no. Definitely not a Police Officer, Firefighter or Military personnel; I heard too many bad stories and heard of too many messed up marriages because of the stereotypical “Hero” complex and anyone working in those fields had to be narcissistic misogynists or have absolutely no give a dang about their life.

Remeeting a childhood friend with the idea that I wasn’t interested in a relationship, he wasn’t interested in a relationship, he was deployed in Kuwait and I was in the states, and even still, his home was 8 hours away. I wasn’t worried about ending up in a relationship.

I’ll admit, when I found him my heart kind of dropped a bit because I thought he had a family, but that was a bigger concern because the likelihood of him talking to me was slim. But when I was told he was single, I had a little tug at my heart hinting that my single life was about to be over.

I didn’t push it, we talked the first three days via facebook before he finally asked if he could call me. When he asked if he could call me, I think my heart skipped a beat. I don’t think I’ve told him this, but the amount of excitement that built up in me at moment when I realized he WANTED to talk to me, was just funny… Almost ridiculous, I remember sitting in the truck on my way home from college feeling soothed and anxious at once, excited, nervous… That whole probably turning red and butterflies in the stomach feeling… And then, we talked on the phone and I knew then and there I was in trouble. I knew I was going to end up liking him as more than a friend.

We hit it off and started heading in that direction quickly, I loved talking to him, and still love talking to him. He’s a phenomenal young man! Does he have quirks, yes. He does, but who doesn’t? Does the good outweigh the quirks or the less desired traits, heck yes… Would I follow him to the ends of the earth as our relationship grows more and more serious and the time is right? Yes… Just the same as he would follow me.

They say that love is a commitment; that love is a daily choice that you wake up and every day you choose to love that person. On their good days, as well as their bad days. I fully believe that if our relationship stays centered around God and we continually seek his guidance and counsel, our relationship and lives will flourish.

We have things that need some tuning, and as we continue to get to know each other, we have somethings that we are going need to adapt. But if you love someone you’ll better yourself for that person and if I want to be the best that I can be for CJ and he wants to be the best he can be for me, we are set.

Talking to him tonight, I made a simple comment, granted, maybe not so simple on my part, but still so simple, and watching his whole demeanor change the way it did… Oh my gosh… It may have melted my heart a little… Seeing him on Skype and hearing him on the phone, I could tell that a decision he’s been looking at was wearing on him. Tonight it was wearing on him bad… But that simple statement brightened him so much, it only confirmed what I had told him. It made me realize I think just how much he really did care about my wellbeing in the decision. I knew he cared, but it didn’t really click until that moment just how much. Seeing it on him like that…

So here’s the thing, yes, I came to love an Army Soldier when I said I wouldn’t date one nor was I even wanting a boyfriend, granted, he is likely on his way out of the army and for that I am thankful. But, I had come to a point in my life where I wasn’t worried about finding a life partner. This man who was a soldier and seemed far too perfect to let go quickly stole my heart and began dispelling a lot of my fears of being in a relationship and when I realized that my fears were settling and it’s been 7 months now and those fears have yet to come up again, it makes me that much more comfortable.

The thing is, not what their job is. I’m learning with armed forces there’s a lot of stereotyping, you can’t judge someone by their job or by stereotypical characteristics. Out of the many hundreds or thousands involved in certain fields of work, not all of them are the same. I think my biggest point being, don’t let the stereotyping chase you away, if you find someone worth dating, no matter their line of work, snatch them up before it’s too late. Just don’t be in a hurry to jump into a relationship, if it is meant to happen it will happen. Don’t rush it, enjoy the process…

CJ isn’t the horseman that I pictured myself dating, but all of the other qualities, the fact that he treats me well and the fact that we do have similar interests and passions, but also differ enough that we’ll be able to balance each other out. I would take that any day… Having waited the 4 years to find a guy that treats me right and isn’t after my body, and his idea of a first date wasn’t to get me to go out to a bar, isn’t intimidated by the fact that I am independent and self-sufficient and he is more than willing to step into that role as my guardian and care taker…

I always maintained a mindset that I didn’t need a list of things I wanted in a man. I had a list of things I need and thus far he meets those needs. Yeah sure, we all have things we would like if we can get them, but those aren’t necessarily important, and even then, he meets those well. And again, do we have kinks and quirks that will need working out? Yeah, sure… Everybody does though, and he’s willing, and I’m willing which makes those bumps easier to smooth out. As with anything, we’ll ride it out, and see where our journey takes us.

From the country girl who’s heart has been and is still being earned by a soldier … My soldier …

God Bless y’all,

Jessica

Boyfriends

Here’s the thing… I’m being questioned again about my Relationships, or lack thereof when it comes to boyfriends… There’s one big thing I’m hoping to accomplish by this post simply because I know it’s not going to stop making people ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend. But I hope it gives anyone who’s looking for a relationship something to think about.

No. I don’t have a boyfriend. Not for any reason other than, I’m too particular and I don’t want to have 10 boyfriends, or end up with 3 or 4 ex-husbands.

You see, I’m particular about my health. I want a guy who WANTS to be healthy with me. I want him to care about the foods that we put into our bodies just as much as the chemicals and crap that we want to keep out of our bodies. Because if we both eat healthy together, we will be more success full because we wont be bringing home foods that one or the other can’t/shouldn’t eat.

I like physical work. Mixed Martial Arts and Krav Maga, both things I would like to continue doing for years to come. I would LOVE to put Martial Art matting into a room so that myself and my husband can roll… Anymore I think that is almost as important as having a guy who takes a liking to the horses and will go riding with me. I have quite literally been swept off my feet by Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and I want a spouse that will practice with me. That will do the strength and conditioning work that comes with Martial Arts. It makes it much more fun to have a partner who is doing it with you!

I want a guy who is hopefully musically inclined and likes books. There’s something special about being able to share music and books. It gets you down to a more emotional level of sharing, especially when you are talking about the Ted Dekker books… It’s not a huge thing that I have to have, but having a guy who plays an instrument and or can sing, AND he likes to read, I’d be a happy camper to have something that we can share on a more emotional level.

I also want someone who is strongly walking with God. Or at the very least, has a goal to walk strongly with Him and is actively seeking God. Someone who shares my same beliefs…

And last, but probably not least, it’s important that he compliments me, and I compliment him. Not that we literally compliment each other, but that we bring out the admirable things in each other. We bring out the best. If he was always complimenting me I’d probably have to slap him… Too much of a good thing, ya know? It would drive me batty!

But see, this is why I am 20, almost 21 and have yet to have a boyfriend. Because I want someone who is going to pair well with me. Not that I expect to get everything… No… But to share goals and interests, if I am patient, I hope to find someone that I can share these things with. And see, I’m not worried about having kids, so if it takes me till I’m in my 30’s, I’m cool with that!!

The other thing is that I’ve got stuff I want to do, I don’t have time to worry about whether I’m spending time with my boyfriend or not… I barely have time to spend with my horses, and then my boyfriend would get his feelings hurt because school, MMA, and horses would come before him!! I don’t want to have to worry about finding time for him too.

I think if more people had the ability to be patient, and not jump into a relationship, I think there would be plenty more successful marriages. It’s not like I haven’t had guys offer… In fact, I’ve had them offer to be…. roomates…. Partners… I don’t know what you’d call it exactly… But, I’m not interested in sleeping around with guys or with a guy unless I have a commitment and I know we at least have a shot and being together till death do us part… Plus, sleeping with multiple people puts you at risk of sexually transmitted diseases, and it’s great, because there are some that guys can carry and it doesn’t affect them, but it will jack up a woman… So yeah, one more reason to NOT sleep with a guy until I have a relationship that I know has a chance.

I’m a complicated person. I have my issues and I’m picky about who I will have as a boyfriend, but to anyone who has the patients and the guts to put up with me, he’ll find that I’m well worth the complications.

So there you have it, get through school, get through the things you really want to do that will require your boyfriend or girlfriend to take a seat on the curb and have an idea of what you want, or what will work well for you. Whether you are a man or woman, you have the right to have a spouse who takes an interest in what you love doing and will do it with you. You have the right to have a spouse who brings out the best in you.

Anyway, I think I’m done now…

Y’all have a good one.

Jessica