Dad’s play such an important role in their child’s life.
One can spend years and years trying to get over it, and I thought I had. Until the last two years or so… The night I was driving down the road teary eyed because I just wanted a father. I want someone to connect with on that father daughter level…
Once you hit your late teens, you don’t get that anymore, because it becomes borderline inappropriate.
Life happens, people you thought you could trust at one time become strangers… They hate you… Yet you have to put on a façade because others can’t know how much you’ve come to detest that person… Always calling you stupid and complaining about the things you like, the things you believe, the lifestyle you choose to live… You know when they joke with friends or family about their “disrespectful and sarcastic” child, it’s really not a joke to them, they really feel that way… The moment you realize your safety is of no concern when it comes to them forcing you to do something, so what if it causes a midday hospital trip, at least they made their point, right?… When nothing you do is ever right… You’re afraid to go to them for help or questions because you might get your head ripped off…
And yet when you are around family you wonder if they notice a shift… from the playful banter of a newfound family to a relationship that has been tattered and torn to pieces… Yet you still pretend it is all ok. You listen to them talk about this “Special and wonderful” person who really, you wish would just disappear… Because he’s not that special and he’s definitely not wonderful… He’s a jerk and he’s mean and he’s careless. But we still pretend it’s all ok.
I don’t have a dad to do dad things with. I don’t have a dad to talk to. I don’t have a dad to be there when I need him.
And no matter how many times I tell myself I don’t need a dad… It’s a lie every time.
Out of the many father figures/male role models I tried to have, only one I was so mad at that I said he could die in a hole in hell.
But I’ve become far more bitter… far more angry… With people… with myself… with God…
Anyone I try to get close to leaves be it physically or emotionally. It sucks. Because it terrifies you when you think you want to let someone in, but you are so freaking tired of people saying they’ll never leave or they’ll always be there for you and you know they mean it with the best of intentions, but you just wish people would stop making promises they can’t keep. So you come to the point that you don’t trust… and you don’t let people close, or at least, you try not to…
It’s hard to become your own person living that kind of life… Because your confidence is broken, your self-esteem is broken… You get it into your brain that you can’t and your stupid and you’ll never be… And then you break… The anger lets loose, you become tired of faking it. You become fed up with just taking it.
I’m here to say this… If you have the determination, you have the grit and the hustle… And you’re not willing to let anyone dictate your future or your success. You’ll come out strong on the other side.
For those that struggle with that missing father, I don’t know that it will ever get better. You may always be jealous of those dads you see playing with their kiddos. I don’t know… And I’m not going to be the one to tell you it’s going to get better or easier… But I will say this… You don’t have to let it affect the rest of your life.
It takes a lot because now I’m speaking to myself too… But we aren’t broken. We aren’t missing anything. We don’t have to be angry and bitter to the people who we perceive have done us wrong. Me personally, I don’t know that forgiveness is on the to-do-list anytime soon… But I know I need to do it. If not for them, then for us. Forgiveness is an important part of the healing process, being unforgiving is simply wasted energy.
I’ve been lucky… I’m surrounded by a great group of colleagues and most of them are focus on over coming and learning to build yourself up. Changing the thought process and changing your life. They keep me present. They keep me knowing where my faults are so I don’t lose my mind completely… Because I aspire to be like them. The compassion and empathy they show… I WANT to be like that… They inspire me every day and give me little tiny actions to get me on track. One day… I will get there… We will get there…
To the dads… Don’t take your children for granted… Boys need their dads just as much as girls do… Time with the wife is extremely important… Work is tiring… Sometimes you’re hurting… Sleep is also important… But your children are only there for a time… They can grow up without you, or they can grow up with you… But either way they are only going to be there for so long. What you do now, shapes their emotions, habits, self-esteem and confidence later. Don’t let them think they are stupid, don’t let them think you hate them… Discipline is good. Spank them, ground them, give them a butt chewing… But don’t give them the silent treatment and decide you aren’t talking to them ever again, don’t only interact with them when they are in trouble. They need to know they can confide in you, especially girls… They need security. They need safety, even us gun wielding, badass MMA and Krav martial artists… We need to know we have safety, and if we don’t feel safe, you’re not going to be one we ask questions to or want to learn from, we’re not going to want to talk to you, tell you how our day went, tell you what we learned, tell you how school went or how this class went or how work went…
Give your children hugs, give them affection, play with them, talk to them… Teach them so that they not only grow up without feeling like there is a piece of them missing, but so that their children grow up without feeling rejected or unimportant. I know men aren’t “wired” for compassion and empathy… but it’s certainly helpful.
Anyway, I think that is all for now…
To Recap…
To the fatherless or motherless… We got this. Forgive, be determined, be the person you want to be, be confident, be happy, it will all work out eventually no matter how hard it is now.
To the dads… Do your job. Be a dad…
Y’all have a good night…
Jessica
Family
New Year!
2017… A full year went by and it took a drastic turn that I didn’t expect… 2017 was a year that beat me down in ways I didn’t expect, but it also was the year I exploded. The year I began getting my crap together.
I started the year with vehicle issues. Left me with only a few hundred dollars in my bank account. For the last few years I have been wanting to attend a workshop by Dr. Perry Nickelston who has been a mentor long before I met him.
I signed up for a course at the beginning of summer after Dr. Perry said he would be in Texas in the fall, thinking I would have time to save for his course when he announced his workshop the weekend before the other course I signed up for. So I took a chance. Saved my spot for the PMC Workshop and hoped and prayed I would have the funds to go.
And that was the beginning of a wonderful new turn.
I met my mentor, role model and inspiration and as you can tell, still a little star struck lol… In fact, I am not so ashamed to say, that the first time I met Dr. Perry he made such an impact that when I had to leave before he left because I had a 5 hour drive home, I had to fight back the tears, and I sat in my truck for a good 10 minutes or so and had to collect myself so I could drive without being all blurry eyed…
Prior to going to Dr. Perry’s workshop I signed up for an Amino Neuro Frequency Class in Florida, because I wanted to learn about it. Dr. Perry had talked about and done some videos on it, but I wasn’t convinced. I decided I trusted Dr. Perry with my career and signed up for a class he was teaching.
While I was at Dr. Perry’s PMC workshop he introduced me to Amino Neuro Frequency Therapy. I had an issue during class where my knee would start to shake, and then my other knee would shake, and the rest of my body would eventually follow. It’s something that happens all the time, especially after chiropractic adjustments or high levels of stress. When I asked Dr. Perry if he had any ideas, he told me my gut was inflamed and threw some discs on me. I started shaking while he was applying discs and then he put a disc on and it immediately stopped the shaking. Prior to Dr. Perry I had gone 3-4 days with minimal amounts of food because I wasn’t hungry. Felt overstuffed and miserable if I ate anything. Within 10 minutes I was starving… And suddenly all the food I packed wasn’t enough.
So, then began my ANF journey. I knew I had to sign up for the second ANF class.
It has opened up such a huge door for me, I talk to people all over the world, Ireland, England, Argentina, Germany, Australia and all over the US and Canada. It’s been crazy!
It’s been a frustrating battle and if I didn’t have the right mentors and friends and family backing me up I probably would have stopped.
But the plan for 2018 is to get my Personal Trainer Certification so that I can work with human movement too!
Because honestly, reducing pain by human movement is peeking my interest and combining it with massage and ANF is absolutely fascinating!
So here is a shout out to everyone who has been an inspiration on this crazy journey of life. Everyone who has helped me get to this point and continues to help me! To all my test dummies and guinea pigs and all who support me no matter how crazy I might sound!
To my mother, Dr. Mike, Dr. Perry, Karl, Liam, Martin, Mrs. Karen and Mr. Craig, Deneille, Amanda, and those who are coming on to the scene like Ryan, and all the other ANF peeps who keep me going!
And the handful of people I have yet to meet, but have been such an inspiration to me and have opened the door for me to find my own confidence, hustle and grit, Gary Vee, John Burk, Kerwin Rae.
2016 I was terrified. Starting school to become a massage therapist…
2017 I was expecting to just trudge through and continue working for other people.
Worked for other people, but started my own business and did so much more than just trudge. I began making something of myself.
2018… Bring it. Show me what you’ve got and lets go. We’re going to make it explode.
Thank you all… Thank you for your time and advice and help for those I talk to and interact with.
Thank you all for content you put out that helps me learn and continues to inspire me.
Happy New Year,
I wish you all the best!
Jessica
It’s YOUR story
You know, I don’t understand people some days…
I found out that an old friend of mine, is pregnant… She’s like 19 or 20… And has had more boyfriends than I can count…
About a year or so ago, I knew another young lady who was 17 when she got pregnant if I remember correctly… Also having more boyfriends than I can count…
Neither are married…
Another young lady I knew, married at 19, child at 20…
I know that being single sucks sometimes… You start hitting 19 and 20 and suddenly your group of friends gets smaller because everyone is working and trying to make a life, and getting married and having children and suddenly you find yourself the odd one out because you have no one to do anything with… And as it should be family takes priority and bills are important to pay…
You start getting shafted by your best friend because she will only freaking talk to you after she dumps her boyfriend or gets dumped… You’ve known her for 18 years and you still get the cold shoulder when she gets a boyfriend… -_-
So it leaves one learning to be happy by themselves… It can be a lonely road to travel when you have no one to talk to, and when you find someone who is willing to give you attention you feel kind of deprived…
But seriously, your value, your future and your life are SO much more important than being stuck as a single mom at 19… Being stuck as a single mom at 22… Do something with your life, don’t wrap yourself up in boyfriends or being so set on needing to have an established family by 25… YOU have SO MUCH potential whether you think you do or not and as bad as it might sound, being tied down at 19 or 20 isn’t it. You are still so young with so much life and ability in front of you, go live life till your 25 THEN look at starting a family… because as a teenager and even in your 20’s there’s so much growing and changing left to do… 20’s is still the time you’re figuring out how to “adult”. And that’s OK… I promise…
Now, I do understand on some occasions that someone gets lucky and they marry at 18 and 35 years later you are inspiring people and still as happy as you were the day you got married… And I LOVE it! I do!
But those cases are so far and few between… Kids these days (yes, anyone under 28 is still a kid…) are in such a hurry to get married… It’s ridiculous…
When I told my ex that I was done with our relationship the first words out of his mouth were, “I’m 27 years old, I was supposed to be living in my own house, married and having children by now!”
WHO SAYS?! So what if the rest of your friends are tied down, because trust me! Having kids before you’re ready SUCKS. I’ve known a handful of people who regret getting married, regret having had kids at the age they did… I watched a lady who broke down in tears at our dentist’s office because the receptionist asked how her day was going and she started bawling saying that she found out she was pregnant with twins and she hates kids…
And some that know me would tell me I don’t understand because I have absolutely no desire to have my own children…
But it’s not that I don’t understand… I would rather see people I care about living life and wishing they had their little bundles of joys earlier in life, over regretting they had their child and not doing anything with their life… Because children are a huge responsibility and once you end up with more than one or two, they are very consuming… shoot… one is consuming enough…
The thing is, when you can learn to be happy by yourself… when you learn to accept yourself without needing approval by a boy, or a girl (can’t forget about you guys…). You’ll attract a much better potential spouse… There’s a theory running around, and I forget who or where I heard it, but if you grow to be the best you can, and be the kind of person you yourself would want to marry, is the person you will eventually attract.
A little bit of patience goes a long way… Don’t jump in bed with the first boy or girl that flirts with you… Don’t be set on marrying that ONE person…
I wanted to have one boyfriend and one husband… I refuse to have sex before marriage, I refuse to let anyone push me into such…
If you love me enough, you’ll be my friend first… If you love me enough, you will respect my boundaries… If you love me enough you will wait for me, you won’t cheat on me because I’m making you wait a minimum of two years before we get married…
I may not have the best self-esteem, but I know how I want to be treated. And by golly I’m dang stubborn…
I am 22 years old, and have had one boyfriend… nothing more, nothing less… I spend my days working, studying, learning, now traveling to learn, spending time with family, working on my horses, and bettering myself… And right now, until I am ready to settle down, I have no interest in delving into a relationship…
There was a time I was hoping to be close to being able to adopt my first child at 25 or 28… But I’m ok with that not happening. If it doesn’t happen till I’m in my late 30’s, I’m ok with that… Even in my 40’s… I don’t care… I know I have a purpose in life, and right now, it’s not to have a family…
Anyway, again, I feel like I’m kind of all over the board here, feeling like I’m rambling… But to break it down, all that to say this…
Live life. Don’t be too quick to make life altering decisions. It’s your life, no one else’s and you deserve to live it to the fullest.
Patience is key, and don’t get caught up in the heat of the moment… It may seem right, you may feel like you’re on cloud nine and everything is hunky dory… But even the best things can be horrible for you…
But sometimes, the best things really are the best things… And it’s wonderful and grand… And I can guarantee you, the best things aren’t going to fall into your lap. You need to hustle, you need to grind, you need to give it everything you have…
I recently had an opportunity that did actually fall into my lap. Actually, I think it chased me down and tackled me… But it fell into my lap because of my background of everything I’ve accomplished this year… Because of my passion and desire to help and give and learn… And even though he knows I got fired from my job because I wouldn’t comply and do what I was told… He knows WHY I wouldn’t comply, because I wasn’t willing to throw away my foundation, my morals, or my integrity in order to appease my boss… He loves it. Because he agrees and I think it only confirmed that he wants me on his team.
Anyone can go anywhere in their life… We’re all stories in the end… Just make it a good one.
Make it yours, no matter how hard you have to work… Eat crap for however many years so you can live the life you want later. Push through, don’t give up. You’ve got this.
Now, keep your head screwed on straight and go hustle…
Jessica
Memorial Day 2017
And Memorial Day is tomorrow….
I am sad because this year I am not able to do my chair massages for the vets at the Memorial Day BBQ at the Museum. But next year… I’ll be there…
Anyway, a lot has changed and after being around the Vets last year and seeing the impact of the remembrance of fallen soldiers… it moves you. If you have any emotion at all, it moves you…
Now, as I am exposed on a weekly basis to all my Veterans I continue to have a learned respect for these men and women who put their lives on the line, who lost their lives in doing so…
We thank the families who have sacrificed, who spend their Memorial Day remembering a spouse, sibling, grandparent or child.
Because some of us don’t have the discipline or the courage to stand up for our country voluntarily like that. Myself included. So someone else had to fill that place.
To be honest, actively I am not one to do anything special for Memorial Day. But unless I am around Veterans or active-duty it’s hard for me to get in touch with those emotions.
But I will say this. To the millions who have fallen for the sake of this country. We thank you. You will always be remembered. You will always be a part of something great. You did not sacrifice for no reason at all…
So for everyone out there, take a moment to remember:
It’s about the 626,000 Americans killed during the Civil War.
The 116,000 Killed in WWI
The 405,000 in WWII
The 36,000 in the Korean War
The 58,000 in the Vietnam War
The 2,300 killed in Afghanistan
The 4,500 in Iraq
And every other person who willing sacrificed for our freedom, for our country, for our safety…
Thank you…
God Bless…
Jessica
Totally just took me 4 hours to realize I didn’t put the title up!
Technology
I know I wrote on technology and relationships recently but I’ve noticed something else over the past month or so.
Not only do we as people feel like we have to compete for attention with our loved ones and they’re phones…
But if you watch our pets they too ask us to put down our phones. My pup has recently started this thing where if I’m on my phone and not giving her attention she stares at me. If I don’t respond she grabs her ball and brings it to me and then stares at me again.
I watch our other dogs go from one person to the next because people are playing on their phones and not giving the dog any attention…
It’s sad to me when even my dog is having to ask me to get off the phone… I’ve started paying better attention to my pup. If she approaches I try to put my phone down for her. She gets her full of me and then she’ll lay down and go to sleep and then I can go back to doing what I was doing.
But in general this goes back to we as people need to spend less time on our phones… it burdens relationships, causes loved ones to feel rejected and unimportant… it obviously even causes our animals grief when they ask to spend time with us and we choose our phones over them. But we do this with people all the time! It’s sad…
We need to get our noses detached from our phones and out of these technological prisons and enjoy life. Enjoy our pets and the people we love. Once again, nothing is going to blow up over social media if you don’t spend all day on it. This world will however pass away.
Enjoy it.
God bless,
Jessica
Things That Shouldn’t Be Talked About?
Ok… Another pet peeve here…
I see articles all too often “5 things you should NEVER tell your partner” “7 Hard Conversations You Should Never Have” Stupid crap like that… You want to know my 2 cents on it? It’s going to be blunt, it’s going to be honest… But it’s my thoughts and sarcasm nonetheless…
- If you are comparing your partners body to someone else in a sexual manner, the thought shouldn’t be dwelt on and needs to be trashed anyway. You may consider you aren’t with the right boyfriend/girlfriend if you are jealous of the way another person looks. You should love everything about their body!
- If you are telling your boyfriend that you want to make babies with someone else THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU AND YOU NEED YOUR HEAD EXAMINED! And again, probably aren’t with the right person.
- Your partner should be able to give you their honest opinion. Period. In a gentle manner depending on the subject, but still… Honest… If you can’t give an honest opinion, you probably AREN’T WITH THE RIGHT PERSON!
- If you can’t tell them that you don’t like a shirt he’s wearing or the shoes she’s wearing… What else can y’all not talk about? I mean come on… if you can’t be honest about clothing… I hate to say it, but you probably aren’t with the right person…
- If you are reminiscing over past sexual fantasies with your last boyfriend/girlfriend… WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT THING YOU CALL A BRAIN?! *Sigh* You aren’t ready for a relationship yet… Or you need to get over yourself… Sorry…
- Negative comments about friends or family… Gentle… That’s all I have to say… But again, if their mother is being a wench or their father is being a jerk, or their friend is a pervert, SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE! And if no one is willing to take care of it, you… Can we guess? Yep! May not be with the right person!
- If you see something inappropriate on their phone? Seriously? What crack are we smoking? If the girlfriend or boyfriend is looking at half-dressed men or women, or there’s a sketchy conversation going on HECK YEAH something needs to be said… Or punched… Or dumped on the curb… But seriously, if you can’t trust your partner enough to not feel the need to go through their phone, there’s an issue anyway AND you definitely need to find a new partner…
- Arguments you don’t see eye to eye on… Really? Sounds like they got brought up anyway… So there’s an agree to disagree policy that plays in there, conversation was already done had, as long as it was resolved your fine… If y’all can bring it up civilly and accept differences that’s for y’all to decide… If you can’t, and you can’t agree to disagree… There may be a bigger problem… I’m not going to say you AREN’T with the right person… But you might do some serious looking at what’s going on…
- Bragging on cheating on your exes… Yes… Because THAT builds trust… if you are bragging on that, you shouldn’t even be in a relationship and your partner needs to run for the hills and leave you on a deserted corner… somewhere in the desert… without water… or food… So yeah… I think they very well should know so they can make arrangements…
- You think your partners friend is “sexy,” really? No, another conversation that should be had, so they are aware and then you need to deal with that… Now, some relationships can handle it… But if not, you need to be honest with your partner so that he/she knows and can find the best way to help you deal with your crazy…
- If you can’t share concern for your partners weight there’s also a problem… If they are gaining weight, or losing weight (becoming underweight) it should be ok for it to be noticed… picked on? Maybe… depends again on the relationship. But otherwise a gentle notice of weight change shouldn’t be a problem…
- Their spending habits?! ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?! NO! THAT’S IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT!!!! ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE FRIVOLOUS SPENDERS!!!! *sigh* why…. All I ask is why? No, you guys need to figure out how much the two of you can spend on yourself and only spend that amount. Otherwise one of y’all is going to waste away all the money that the other is earning… And that’s just Dumb….
- Ok… Asking uncomfortable questions… Yes. You should be able to ask uncomfortable questions, but the particular article it is coming from is talking about questions like “did you have better sex with your last exe.” Kind of questions in which case, if it’s a confidence thing that is driving you to ask that, the other persons response should be something to the effect of “The only sex I want is yours.” Or something completely honest, but not giving them that answer, simply because that is a very touchy subject and a HUGE confidence killer for people if you answer that as a yes… If it’s not then great! By all means, tell them they’ve got the best sex in the world! So should those topics be asked? Maybe, maybe not… if they do come up, I hope your partner knows how to answer a sensitive question like that.
- Stupid… This is part of what causes CHEATING! You CRAZIES! WHY would you NOT tell your partner that you have feelings for someone else?!?!?! You just gonna go sleep with them and not tell your partner about that too?! NOW I go back to you need to pack your dumb butt up and leave your partner so he/she can find someone better. Actually, that was a little mean… Seriously though, if on the off chance you develop feelings for someone else, that is OK, just be honest with your partner and tell them rather than stringing them along… Let them live life. Not every relationship was meant to work out.
- Hypothetically talking of breaking up? What…? My brain isn’t computing… Why?? If you are thinking and talking like that, you probably aren’t ready for a relationship… or are in the wrong relationship…
Ok… So the gist is, if you can’t talk to your partner, you either aren’t ready for a relationship or are with the wrong person, you’re a dumb butt, you need to add a dash of humor and less butt hurttedness….
But please! I invite you to share your thoughts on why these topics should or shouldn’t be talked about with your partner… I would love to hear it! And I promise, if you advocate for not talking about them, I’ll be nice…
I’ve always felt like your partner should know everything… Somethings may need to be rigged in an honest manner to avoid hurt feelings especially if one partner is trying to compare themselves to others… But otherwise, honesty is always the key…
God Bless,
Jessica
Bidding for Connection
It was brought to my attention that the average couple makes up to and over 100 bids for connection.
I began watching these bids… Kind of keeping track of how I react to the way my own bids are responded to, seeing how responsive I am to other people’s bids. It’s interesting to say the least.
A bid is anything done to ask for connection, whether it is positive or negative attention, whether you expect it to get answered or not…
Positive: Walking through the store, a stranger looks at you, you accept their bid for attention by smiling back which in return could make them smile back.
Negative: Walking through a store, a stranger looks at you, you see them and you glare at them, or you blow up over it, “Why were they looking at you in the first place?”
Passive: Walking through a store, a stranger looks at you, you see them yet, choose to continue walking and not acknowledge their bid.
Now, I use three, Positive (turning towards), Negative (turning against) and Passively (turning away) for a reason. Some people only view it as two saying that passive is considered negative and others say passive and negative are different due to reactions of the bidder. Because some people feel negative attention is better than no attention…
Positive bids are words, questions, gestures, looks, and physical contact.
And a positive response is simply engaging them, acknowledging the contact, accepting the invitation to start a conversation and so on…
Negative responses can be Belligerent responses, contradicting and disparaging responses, domineering responses, critical responses (blaming/judging), defensive responses.
Passive responses can be noncommittal, preoccupied (ignoring), disregarding, or interrupting and changing the subject.
- Here’s the thing, a bid can literally be anything:
- Someone looks at you
- makes a sound i.e. clearing their throat, a “hmm,” sighing, etc.
- tries to start a conversation like, “Look at this,” or “You wouldn’t believe the day I had.”
- makes physical contact with you, touches your knee, or your shoulder…
- I’ve noticed with myself a bid can be as much as me talking to myself or an animal trying to get the other person to take interest
Dr. Gottman ran a study involving many newlyweds in which he followed for 6 years. Many who stayed together and many who did not. The ones that stayed together turned towards their spouses bid 86% of the time, while the remaining couples who divorced only turned towards their spouses bids 33% of the time.
Some studies have gone as far to show that negative and passive responses cause depression… Which I myself can approve considering it doesn’t feel good to feel rejected for an electronic… It can cause some serious “What’s wrong with me” questions…
I can say after living with a man who was glued to his phone or the computer or the TV 24/7 and wouldn’t acknowledge you unless you did something to really set him off, it SUCKS dealing with people who ignore you and respond in a negative way… I’ve never been one to like any type of negative attention so I’ve never purposely done anything to attract such…
But I also lived with my mom who for a while got really bad about burying her nose into her phone, she would want me to come spend time with her and out her phone would come… So when I quit hanging out with her she asked why and I explained it to her and she started putting her phone down. Even when she would sit on her phone, I RARELY ever pulled my phone out. Most of the time I left my phone in the house while we sat outside because I never wanted it to be my fault that she wasn’t getting to spend time with me.
Even now, I would confidently challenge anyone who knows me to say how often they’ve seen me on my phone, Excluding times that WE were looking something up for the other person to look at be it pictures or information.
One of my uncles posted an article this morning on how “phubbing” is killing relationships and I did not realize there was a term for it, but apparently it is when the other person is choosing their phone over you…
It really is sad the society we live in today, I was reading a blog post by a lady who was a teacher and she was assisting in grading papers, the assignment for the lot of 3rd graders, if I recall correctly, was a paper to finish “I wish.” This teacher picked up a paper and read it and the child was talking about how he wishes he was an iPhone because his parents would spend more time with him, and they would love him more and he could make them happier…
My own sisters would come home from their dads on the weekends and complain that all he did was sit and play candy crush instead of spending time with them.
Me myself, I am all too familiar with the phone being more important than myself. Whether it’s true or not, that’s how it feels, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with someone about a topic that shouldn’t be funny and they burst out laughing, you ask them why they are laughing and they start raving on something they saw on their phone. So mid conversation you drop the conversation, there’s no, “what were you saying,” not even so much as to acknowledge you were speaking… They didn’t even notice you quit talking… Which means whatever you were saying in the first place wasn’t important to them.
Or when you are having a two way conversation and they pull out their phone…
Or when you have a two way conversation and the next thing you know they just quit responding period…
The article that my uncle posted, they said it perfectly when they said the person who choose their phone over their spouse is retreating from their spouse… Doesn’t matter who you are in my opinion, be it an acquaintance, friend, client, family member or spouse, it’s rude and it makes the other person feel like they aren’t good enough to deserve your undivided attention, it makes them feel like they are trying to escape you without actually leaving your presence.
Sometimes I don’t mind it, if I don’t have anything to say and they don’t have anything to say, whatever… But if someone is trying to have a conversation, have some respect… It’s a courtesy thing.
Sitting at the dinner table, hanging out with friends, really, anything that is requiring one to be social. I don’t even get on my phone if I’m sitting waiting on someone because I don’t want to come off as being preoccupied to the people around me.
It all comes back to giving thought to how the person or people around feel when one is on the phone.
To me, it’s rude to be in company of others and be on your phone. That’s just simple etiquette.
If someone is trying to spend time with you, respect that time, cherish it, don’t waste it away on your phone because as with what happened with my mom and myself, they’ll stop wanting to be around you.
If you fall a little behind on your emails, or miss a few facebook updates, it’s not the end of the world. It will still be there when it’s all said and done. You aren’t going to miss anything that’s life or death. A person on the other hand, could die tomorrow. Human life is so fragile, it can be taken in an instant. How would you feel if someone tried to spend time with you but you were so glued to your phone that you didn’t really spend time with them and then they left and got into a fatal car accident? Would you have wished that you put the phone down? Or stepped away from the computer? Your electronics are there still waiting for you, uncaring of the loss in your life. They remain the same, unchanged except for new emails or status updates or tweets or whatever…
When it comes to spending time with someone, whether it’s family or friends, it’s quality over quantity…
At least generally…
Back to the original point of the article before I got off on this one particular tangent, even so much as only giving someone the leftovers, one fills their day with things-to-do and then you get left at the end of the day wondering why they couldn’t make time to give you some quality time… and the majority of responses given to your bids are passive because they are tired and not feeling talkative so you get the last 20 minutes of passive/preoccupied conversation.
Those are probably the biggest killers with passive and negative responses, electronics and someone running themselves ragged. Because they get preoccupied and get snappy because you interrupt them, or they just ignore you, or they are tired and don’t want to be bothered.
So those of us that try not to create negative responses just shrink back to the shadows giving up on offering bids to connect, to get attention…
I challenge you to start keeping track of people’s bids… Including your own. As well as responses. It’s an interesting thing for sure.
Now, before I go off onto any more pet peeves I will bid you farewell…
God Bless,
Jessica
Friends – Part 2
Friends
In the same way that you cling to the need for protection from enemies (even though they cannot hurt the son or daughter of the Father in His realm of sovereign power), you also cling to the need for significance and affection from friends. This need is rooted in the fear of loss, which isn’t true love. There is no fear in love.
There is perhaps nothing more damaging than fear of loss masquerading as love. Such “love” only enables fear while true love remains hiding.
How can you love your husband or wife when you need them to be a certain way in order to feel secure? If they don’t offer the security or honor you think you deserve from them, you feel wounded. Wounding is what you fear.
Then the one you loved becomes a monster in your house and you feel compelled to either “help” them change (to fulfill your desire for honor and security), or you feel compelled to protect yourself from them – because they’ve become your enemy.
This doesn’t mean you must subject yourself to the physical abuse of another – if necessary remove your hand from that fire. But do so in love, not fear or condemnation.
Truly, most of what we call love is a little more than addictive clinging. The affection of another person makes us feel good about ourselves, much like a drug that comforts and makes us feel secure. When that person fails us, we get angry at the one we thought we loved.
To call your addictive clinging love is an error. As Yeshua made plain, the true measure of love is how well you love someone when they dishonor you, not when the demonstrate love to you. True love is not provoked now keeps any record of wrongs, as Paul made so clear. There is no fear of loss in love, because love doesn’t seek its own needs.
This is why Yeshua insists that you must hold of no account your neediness in all of your closest relationships. Hear Him: If you do not hate (hold of no account) father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters – even your own life – you cannot be my disciple.
Some have said that Yeshua means we should love God more than we love others, but these aren’t His words. Indeed, sanitizing His words only strips the power from His teaching. He uses the strongest possible terms without comparison – that is, “to hold of no account,” which is the meaning of hate.
Think about any romantic relationship you’ve had or have. Isn’t it true that your partner holds you to account? They expect you to be a certain way in order to satisfy their desire for honor, completion, or significance. As long as their expectations are met and you “love” or honor them as the wish to be “loved” and honored, they are pleased. They have their drug and their addiction is satiated.
But if you fail to meet your partner’s expectations in some way, they feel dissatisfied or unappreciated or let down. At times you will surely feel like enemies to each other.
The same is true of your own expectations of them.
Why do you feel so wounded when your partner fails you? Because you have placed your hope in them and they have let you down. You have inadvertently turned them into a god, thinking your relationship with them will save you. When they then fail to meet your expectation s, your identity is crushed. You feel lost, abandoned, unloved.
You see, you are searching for your meaning and your identity in a relationship by holding the closest to you to account. And you are calling this love. Yeshua says no. This is not what it means to follow the Way of love in Him.
Rather, love them by holding them of no account (hate) and by expecting nothing in return. By turning the other cheek in your heart rather than resisting them, just as you would an enemy. By loving them, even if they persecute you. And if you must, remove yourself from the situation just like you would remove your hand from the fire. But do so in love, without condemnation or holding record of wrong. The love you find in yourself by following these teachings of Yeshua will stagger you.
Your partner does not define you in the least. You only share a part of this life with that person, and you do so as the son or daughter of God whose identity is firmly rooted in Yeshua alone.
So then, be who you are. Love yourself and your neighbor and your enemy and your children and your partner in this way.
Love your friends, for you are now friend of Yeshua, your elder brother, in whom your identity is now made certain.
Imagine being accepted and truly loved exactly as you are at all times by your partner or friends, no matter what you do or don’t do. Now imagine your acceptance of them in the same way and focus on this latter state of being.
In such an ideal manifestation of love through the power of the Holy Spirit, no matter what they did, you would look at them without blame, feeling unprovoked and keep no record of wrong. What love you would then offer your partner, yourself and the world. How invulnerable you would be, in the world but not of it.
You would hold no record of wrong when they broke their promise to you, in the same way your Father holds no account of your wrong when you, like the prodigal, turn from Him so many times each day.
You would not be annoyed by them. You would not secretly wish they looked different, or were more appreciative, or were more honoring of you or made more money. You would simply love them, seeing beyond your need for them to be or not be a certain way.
And that is the end of part 2 to my writing from Ted Dekker….
It’s a hard thing… It really is. Especially if you are so use to being let down. Little things that wouldn’t bother most people bother you because there’s so much fear built up into you and even when you think you have it under control and you think you’ve dealt with it, it still creeps us and the flesh begins screaming at us telling us “Remember!” or “It should be this way!” and when we listen, it drives us into a place we cannot turn back from. We are stuck until we find a way out and all the while doubts begin to flood our minds and lies start to plague us and then we seek help and the help is good, but it only causes turmoil in our minds because we argue with ourselves because we then fear we are trying to reason out of what we are afraid of and make it not so, but then we fear if we reason out of it, it is only going to cause more damage. More fear. More hurt and heartache… And it sucks… It sucks being stuck in that position. I know.
But if we can learn to hold someone of no account little things won’t disturb us so and we’ll see more clearly. But we must not let the flesh sway us. We must trust in our identity in Yeshua. And no I’m not the best at this. I struggle with it. Not near as bad as I use to. But it’s still a struggle. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I can hold friends of no account or if it’s because my past hurt has wrecked me… Maybe a little bit of both?
Anyway, y’all have a Fantastic Christmas and I’ll write to you soon!
God Bless,
Jessica
My View on Carrying
One of these days I may have to do an in depth article on this just for grins and giggles but for now, I’m just going to do a brief article on the various incidents that I know of this year…
Walmart 15 minutes away from me: A young lady was held at gunpoint during an attempted abduction.
Walmart 25 minutes away from me: An employee stabbed and killed another employee and then stabbed a fireman in the throat.
There’s been a handful of escaped convicts, a few of those that were convicted of murder.
There was a 5 time serial rapist who was not only beating the women, but also doused one in gasoline and lit her on fire.
There’s a school near me, that has the highest rape rate in the state of Texas…
A mother, wife, and Sunday school teacher was murdered in her own church…
A man decided to rob a waffle house with a freaking AK-47…
There was a drive by shooting not too long ago…
There’s been NUMEROUS warnings put out by our city and police department that there is a certain vehicle trying to pick up small children…
I was sexually harassed by a friend of mines’ dad who I was starting to come around to thinking he would make a good mentor until…
The list can go on and on… I made the decision about a year ago that before I got a handgun I wanted to learn a martial art. So I picked up Boxing, Jiu-Jitsu and Muay Thai and gave Krav Maga a shot which I think I will continue with here in the next couple months…
I knew that when the time came for my handgun, one, I wanted multiple ways to solve a situation, two, I wanted a way to protect my handgun, and three, I knew that handgun would become like my cell phone. I knew I would want it on me at all times if possible.
Now what I think is funny is the flack that I am getting for that mindset. “You know the boogie man isn’t going to jump out and get you right?” or “Don’t you think you’re going overboard?” Yeah, tell that to me a few years ago when I went to my FRIENDS house that should’ve been perfectly safe… I can only imagine what would’ve happened if I was so naïve as to have gone into his bedroom when he coaxed me to do so…
Tell that to the woman who was going home from working her shift at Walmart and got held at gunpoint. Or the Fireman who got stabbed while he was out shopping… Or the family who’s house was broken into. Or maybe try telling that to the 5 dead in the Burlington mall shooting this past week… I mean, why do you think people are screaming gun control? Because as of late, there’s been a whole lot of messed up people out there… Between the Black Lives Matter protests and the seemingly increasing number of terrorist attacks, it’s only getting worse…
So here’s the thing… Those of us who want to carry and/or do carry EVERYWHERE we go, as long as it’s legal, those of us who are responsible and well trained, we aren’t carrying out of paranoia, fear, or anything of the sort. We carry because we want to provide as much protection as possible to ourselves, or family and friends, and the strangers we don’t know. We carry because of a commitment we’ve made to ourselves and those around us. When we have that firearm we have a duty to do whatever possible to keep those around us safe. Doesn’t matter who it is, if it’s an officer, a black person, a white person, a Christian, a Muslim… If they’ve got a heart and they are an innocent bystander…
We carry for the better safe than sorry concept. Not the “S***, I can’t get to my gun!” Moment or the moment of helplessness as you have no good way to take action. Yes, Martial Arts are GREAT, learning to disarm someone is GREAT, but it only works in close quarters… Not everyone can be a Neo or a Trinity… Just sayin… If a guy has a knife or a gun, you aren’t as likely to get close enough to fight hand to hand… Not impossible, but not likely…
I know with me, I would want to carry at home because I tend to be forgetful, if I leave home I don’t want to forget my firearm or if I need to leave in a hurry. Am I really concerned about something happening at home? No… But… I can’t forget it if it’s on me… Plus, per chance something DOES happen at home, what good is it going to do if it’s in a lock box? Someone breaks into the house and holds a gun to you, “Hang on one moment please sir… I have to go grab my key and get my firearm out of the safe…” “Oh sure, let me just lay my gun down, can I have a drink while you get your gun?” NO!! That’s NOT how that’s going to work!
Obviously, I can’t speak for everyone who carries… Shoot, I was just talking to someone last week who said the reason they got their CCL was because it was “cool.” But I think for the majority of those who are responsible and have training, I think I can speak on their behalf by saying, we have a right and a duty to defend ourselves, our family/friends and those around us… We don’t carry in fear or paranoia, instead we carry for prevention, precaution, for that just in case moment…
Paranoia and Precaution are two totally different things… Doubt me? Grab a dictionary… You can have Precaution without fear…
Anyway, I’ll step off my soapbox now…
God Bless,
Stay safe,
Jessica
Identity
I was in church the other day… One of the young adults was leading the group up there, and he was breaking down 1 Corinthians 13. Well, the way he was going about it, I felt the need to elaborate. It is so funny to me because I’m the quiet sit in a corner and interact with no one kind of person and then I find something I want to interject and I surprise everyone…
Anyway, the subject of Identity came up. How are we to love? How are we to handle bad situations? How, how, how… They kind of beat around the bush, not giving specific answers and so I took over the class from there.
Identity… Finding our identity in Christ is how we love, how we love without condition, how we love in a bad situation, how we love when we love our husband, child, wife, friend or that crazy person that is driving you freakin crazy!
Why? Because… If we are in Christ as Christ is in the Father, and the Father is love. We are love. We are extensions of God made in God’s image. And if Yeshua is in us and we in Him we are filled with that same love. Except! Here’s the thing…
What causes us to not love? Think about it… What causes us to get angry, mad, upset, uncomfortable, doubt, what causes us to trip over ourselves when someone says something to us?
Generally, fear… If you wanted to say control I could see that, but even still a need to be in control usually is stimulated by fear. Even if it is the smallest amount of fear… You can argue that there are other reasons for anger, but I challenge you to really truly breakdown the reasoning for why you get worked up over situations.
If a child rebels, parent becomes angry… Why does the parent get angry? Because the child is suppose to listen. The parent is suppose to have “control” over the child, if they can’t “control” their child what else is that child going to do?
If someone says you’re stupid, you get angry, why? Because you feel threatened/offended. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, if you get worked up over someone talking down to you or about you, I would go as far to say that you don’t have the confidence in yourself to turn away. Because if you were truly confident in yourself and your identity you should be able to turn away knowing that whatever is said will be found false because other people will see your actions, will hear your words and they will understand.
Now, don’t get me wrong, am I perfect with this? No… I blew up at my mom’s oldest boy because he decided that he wasn’t going to listen to me and that “I wasn’t the boss of him” and yeah, I’m still a bit hot on the situation…
And, am I able to walk away when someone insults me or offends me? If I do, it isn’t easily… Usually comes to a knock down drag out argument… But I know it’s because I’m not 100% confident in who I am. I feel the need to justify myself. In a perfect world, I would turn away knowing I am who I am and it doesn’t matter what people think of me. And there’s some people that I can shrug off and it doesn’t affect me, but if it’s someone that I care about, oh no… That’s a whole other story.
Anyway, fear… Let’s circle back here… Anger comes from fear, fear comes from feeling threatened in some way BUT… Our Identity is in Yeshua who cannot be threatened. We are spiritual beings having an earthly experience… Our identity cannot be harmed. Ted Dekker, got me on a mindset of each person has two of themselves. The flesh and who they are in Yeshua. The earthly vessel and the spiritual being. Therefore, yes, our bodies can feel threatened and they will kick and scream and cause a mess but WE are fine… WE cannot be threatened because WE are in Yeshua and He in us.
So if WE are not threatened, WE do not fear, therefore, WE can love without condition. WE can love unconditionally as is modeled in 1 Corinthians 13. I encourage you to find your identity in Yeshua who is in Yahweh and rest in the fact that Yeshua is in us and this is where our identities lie… Not in being a teacher, spouse, child, sibling, friend, police officer, our identity is not in the roles of this world… they are simply that. They are roles that we have. If we are submerged into water, we do not become the water, there comes a time which our bodies are done, and we must leave the water to find a better life. On the same note, we are submerged in this place called earth and there comes a point at which our bodies have to leave and so they may pursue eternal life…
Before I close out here, if anyone is interested, Ted Dekker is making a book public here soon called “The Forgotten Way Meditations” It’s a great book all around! If you want to know who you are, want to know where you stand with God whether you think you God loves your or not, I suggest you get this book because it will open up a whole new world for you.
Enjoy the Journey,
God Bless,
Jessica
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